Pursuing the creative path is difficult. Far more difficult than I thought it would be. This spiritual journey that I am on is showing me that there is far more that lives in my inner world than I was initially aware of. While part of the journey is discovering what is down there, another part is allowing that aspect of you to come out and to be seen.
I want to create.
I want to pull out whatever is inside of me.
I want to push the boundaries of what I think I am capable of.
Even though I know there is something that wants to be expressed, the voice inside of my head is telling me that I can’t create the beautiful things that I want to in this lifetime because I am not the one worthy of holding that paintbrush.
I left the states about 6 months ago with the intent to embrace the unknown and pursue whatever creative passions come my way. I was so sure that this physical freedom would offer the creative space and inspiration that I needed. But recently, the vision of what I want to express is oddly becoming clearer yet more unobtainable at the same time. Almost as if there is a distance between what is inside of me and the means in which I can express it. This voice telling me to create has always been there but not it is becoming harder to ignore. As this voice grows, the justifications of ignoring it become less and less.
I want to embrace it.
I want to engulf myself in it.
Unfortunately, there is a louder voice in my head telling me that I shouldn’t, or worse, that I can’t. In so many aspects of my life, I let that horribly negative voice rule my thoughts and ultimately my actions. I will be the first to admit that I am my own worst enemy, But more recently I am finding the strength to say no and refuse to be defeated by myself any longer.I have let fear kill my creativity for far too long. Instead of pushing the fear aside, I know that the very thing that I must do is walk straight through it. To feel it, understand it, and then to let it go.
I want to creative.
I want to build the life that I am proud of.
But I am terrified.
I am not terrified that what I create will not live up to my expectations. No. My fears are still in the infant stage. I am afraid that I cannot create at all. I am not afraid that the book I write will be horrible, instead, I am afraid that I can’t write that book in the first place. That I mentally cannot do it. I am afraid that I am not worthy of what I want. That going in the directions of what I want will ultimately chew me up and spit me out.
What do I have to offer to this world?
Someone has already done it or every other person besides me can do it better. I have nothing to contribute so why even bother. Why expose the very pieces of my soul that I have kept safe only to be tainted by the rejections and cruelty of this world. Anything that I put my heart into ultimately becomes evidence of me exposing myself to the world. My soul is not good enough. I am not worthy.
Sometimes I let my fears and insecurities get the best of me. Sometimes I just sit and stare at a blank page with something to say, yet I am not able to physically get the words on the paper. In those moments, my fear is right and I am defeated. In those moments I give up because that is proof that I can’t.
Even though there are moments that I feel defeated, I have to know that those feelings won’t last. Battling fear, insecurities, and doubts are not just part of the creative process, but part of the pursuit of anything worth doing or any risk worth taking. They can debilitate us but they can also be the fuel to the fire that we need. Having these doubts and insecurities is inevitable, but letting them control you is a choice and I refuse to give up even before I begin. I refuse to let my fears run my life. Beginning the path you truly and undoubtedly want is not easy. In fact, it can be terrifying and sometimes painful. I am not trying to run from my fears, instead, I am laying them all out on the table.
Life is a beautiful struggle and finding your way is just a small piece to that puzzle. Part of that beauty is being exactly where you are in spite of the heartache it took to get you there. Sometimes we have to understand our pain in order to emerge from it. And sometimes part of that understanding is creating something from it.
So today I choose to look at my fears and self-doubt head on because I know that I must walk through them in order to move past them. Today I choose the path to create the life I want to live, regardless of what the voice inside my head is telling me. Today I choose to create, even if it hurts.