Just because you are taking a step back, doesn’t mean you are going backwards. In this episode, I wrestle with the fact that just because I'm going back to something that I know, it doesn't mean that it is a failure. I have an obsession with moving forward and automatically assuming that where I am at is not good enough. I am constantly not just trying to move onwards but also sometimes pushing myself too forward and too fast. Learning how to take a step back is needed because it's showing me that it is okay to be exactly where I am at and that ultimately that I am okay. Basically what it comes down to is learning how to have acceptance and compassion for myself. to matter the situation, taking a step back is both needed and necessary. If that is the step in front of you, then that is the step that you need to take, whatever direction that may be.
It’s suiting that I ended up in Ireland at this point in time because like myself, I found that Ireland is on its own healing journey. In this episode, I talk about my most recent trip to Ireland and the realizations that I came to. Before I arrived, I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect but my trip there ended up being everything that I needed. Ireland has helped open up my heart a little bit and by doing so it has shown me that it is safe to move forward and move on. During this trip, I felt the immediate benefits of letting go of much of the pain that I have been holding onto. By letting go, I can already feel some of the emotion, mental, and spiritual space inside of me freeing up. Because of this, it is allowing me to continue forward and allow myself to be the person that I always have been. My surroundings are once again acting as a mirror and Ireland has shown me that my capacity to love and to heal goes deeper than I initially thought.
Is this episode, I end up answering my own question of “letting go of what?”. I realized that the thing that I needed to let go of wasn’t just what happened in the past, but of how I related to the past. My year spent living in Portland, OR was a bitter/sweet experience. I found that I was still holding onto the pain that I experienced there because a part of me didn’t believe that there was another option. In this episode, I briefly tell the story of my time in Portland while dissecting the layers of my hurt while there. I can finally speak about this aspect of my past because I am confident that I am ready to let go of any and all traces of pain that I experienced while I was there. I find that wanting to move on from something is enough to actually do it. This episode is symbolic of me cutting all emotional ties to that particular time of my life. I am proud to say that I am ready and willing to let go, which is very fitting because it is also my last day being 26.
We all hear the concept of letting go, but what does it actually mean? In this Episode, I try to understand the philosophy of letting go and why there seems to be a disconnect with how it is done in practice. Letting go is something that I struggle with, probably because I don’t understand how I am suppose to go about letting go of something. What exactly are we letting go of? How do we know when we have let it go? Or how do we let go of something when we aren’t even sure of what it is? I find that I convince myself that I have let something go, but then it keeps coming back up days, months, or even years later. This makes me question, maybe I’m not doing it right?
We all know that the place we need to go is within, but what is keeping us from going down that path? In this episode, I talk about the importance of being alone, truly alone, with yourself. While I recognize that inwards is the directions I am heading, I still find that going in that direction is difficult. There is a resistance that I feel when trying so go inwards that is rooted in fear. Being alone with ourselves is simple but it is not as easy as one might think. To truly be alone means being alone with every aspect of yourself.. your fears and pains but also the beauty and love that exist within you that you can sometimes fail to see. It means being alone with everything that you are and that can be scary because it means facing the truths you do not want to see.
Sometimes you can only understand yourself in relation to other people or places. In this episode, I talk about about some of the major lessons that I am learning so far while in Spain. Being here is showing me that I not only need other people, but that I have so much to learn about myself through relationships. Spain is acting as a mirror… it is showing me that while personal relationship are difficult for me, they don’t necessarily have to be. Some of that friction exists because we can only see certain parts of ourselves when they interact with their exact opposite. Becoming aware of who you are is also found in how you relate to other people.
Sometimes we leave a place, a situation or even a person and with it we think that a part of ourselves has left with it. Since I’ve left the states, Ive assumed that some of my internal problems were fixed because they haven’t in the forefront of my consciousness. But recently, these problems have been resurfacing and for me this is a clear sign that the root of my suffering still needs to be addressed and healed. While I have made huge strides, the lack of self love that I have for myself is still very apparent. The lack of self love that I feel deals with the wounded core belief that I am not enough. Often we go through life reaming unhealed because we don’t take the time and the energy to focus our attention internally. Admitting how I actually feel instead of distracting myself from it seems to be the necessary first step.
I know that "being in the now" is something that we all strive for, but why is it so difficult to obtain? In this episode, I talk about why it is so difficult for me to live in the present moment and ways that my mind distracts me from fully being present.During my recent trip to England, I found that I wasn’t quite all there. It was almost as though I left as soon as I arrived because my mind was constantly somewhere else: the future. This trip to England has shown me that I'm not in the moment as much as I thought I was. As quickly as the mind can be pulled to the present, it can leave just as fast. No matter how much I try, I know that I can't keep running from the present moment because there is nowhere else to go.
At this point, I can confidentially say that I am fully engulfed in all things unknown. In this episode, I take a step back to in order to not just reflect on my travels, but also how I got here. This trip is showing me that no matter where I end up, it’s not as mysterious or surprising as I thought it would be… instead it just makes sense. Only by letting go of who I think I am, can I truly and freely step into the person that I was along. As I begin to see the bigger picture, not just of my travels but also myself, Im realizing that I’m being drawn to all the right places and circumstances, I just failed to recognize it before.