Episode 23: Roadmaps and Relationships

You are listening to Art of the Unknown, the podcast about traveling inwards, outwards and onwards.  

You’re listening to episode number 23 and I’m your host, Sarah Kreuz. In this week’s episode, I want to return a little bit to the topic of traveling. I want to talk about some of the lessons that I have learned while being in Spain. I want to talk about what exactly me being here has basically shown me and some of the lessons I have learned this far while being in Spain and I think now is a good time to start talking about this because I have been in Spain now for about two months. 

So I think it’s a good time to reflect on the lessons I have learned this far. I really have been asking myself the question, why did the universe bring me to Las Canarias. Why I am here and what exactly do I have to learn. By being here the last two months or so I can say the obvious answer to that question is that I came to Spain so that Spain can show me the parts of myself as I relate to other people.  I am saying this is because the reason that I feel like I am here is to show me exactly why I not only withdraw but why I kind of avoid intimacy with people, why I tend to hold back and why I tend to basically avoid not just socializing with people but I really avoid social interactions and I avoid getting close to people. I think part of the reason why I am here is that Spain is showing me the parts of myself that I need to see and some of those parts can only be shownas I interact with other people. I think this is a lesson to be learned not just with other people but it’s a kind of a lesson to be learned while traveling in general because sometimes you can only understand yourself when it is in relationship to another person, another thing or whatever. 

So there are parts of yourself that you can only understand when that part becomes exposed or that part interacts with another person and I think that is part of the duality that is the self. You have your being, you are who you are but sometimes parts of yourself cannot be exposed unless they meet their exact opposite and I think that is the duality we are seeing when we travel but in my case in Spain. That is the duality that I am seeing as I build relationships with other people because, again, there are parts of yourself that you are not going to see alone. You can’t know a part of yourself by just sitting in a room by yourself meditating for years on end. There are parts of yourself that are only going to be exposed when you are with other people or in situations that you have never been before and that is why traveling I think is important because it makes you step out of those walls that you have put yourself in. It makes you in a way you are kind of forced to see the part of yourself that you don’t normally see and that can be uncomfortable. That’s part of the reason why we are forced to grow with other people but also when we travel it is becausewe are seeing parts of ourselves that we have never seen before. Because you have never been inside of that situation before and that’s part of the reasons why I think I came to Spain is so that I can see those parts of myself that I normally don’t see and for me the way that I have been living my life in the past especially when in the past year, I have been kind of avoiding people a little bit, I find that naturally I like to be alone, I like to live in my head which means that I kind of just build my own world inside of my head, inside of my body and theninside of the walls that I physically live in and anything outside of those walls, that for me is the unknown. Every time I step out of my house or wherever I am staying that day the world in itself without even having to travel that is an unknown for me. So realizing that the world and the cage that I put myself in almost all the time, that isn’t exactly the truth. 

That Is not the span of reality that I basically should be living in and okay so bringing it back to Spain, I don’t want to get too weird or too quick. Like I was saying before that relationship that you have with people or your surroundings whatever, when that starts to change, that’s when you are going to see different aspects of yourself. The lesson that Spain has been bringing forth into my consciousness, it’s not even a lesson, it’s just becoming more aware of the way that I actually am. Like I said the way that I actually am is toretreat, is to go back, is to create my own world, my own reality inside of my head andSpain is showing me, that you know what Sarah there is a little bit of something else out there than the way that you think the world is. The way that you think the world is isn’t necessarily how it is exactly. Spain is helping me realize that I can’t believe everything that I think and I can’t live inside of my own head. 

So originally I think if you remember me talking about this before, I want to start off by saying that my initial first impression about being in the Canary Islands and being in Spain is that Spain is a very friendly and social place. People are always gathering, always drinking, always socializing… it seems as though they live their lives outside of their houses.  They are always on the streets conversing, they are at restaurants, at the bar, and they are always doing something. It seems like Spain is always very generally revolves around the people, it revolves around the community and I think that is a large part of the culture. I think that could be seen in for example carnival, it is literally a month long party which of course I didn’t really partake maybe one or two days but you can see the contradiction between who I am naturally and the environment that I am currently in. 

I feel like that is a good exampleof the resistancethat exist naturally and that’s part of the reasons why I am here is that I need my opposite, I need the thing that I am not to be able to see the part of myself that I normally don’t see whenI am on my own.  Anyways yes Spain is a very social place, it’s rooted in the community and I can definitely see the need of connectionand the need to bring otherpeople and I think that’s why I get the impression that Spain is just a veryover all friendlyplace it’s because it revolves around the people here andwith that being said, it’s very ironic that I showed up toSpain because my initial intention for this block of time that I am into right now was to be alone, I have mentioned it before that after leaving Turkey, my original plan was to go to Croatia and literally the way that I envisioned it is that I am going to be sitting somewhere on an island, surrounded by nature not really in a love cabin but in my mind that would have worked too but the originalplan was to be alone. To be alone with myself, to be alone with my thoughts, to be alone completely. I think that is funny that I ended up in Spain which is a very social place because I guess even though I was thinking that’s what I wanted, it was the universe telling me this is not what you need. You do not need to be alone, you do not need to be in your head, you do not need to live your life that way right now because there are lessons you need to learn and you cannot learn while you are doing that. That’s all fun and dandy you can go on your little solo excursion any time but right here and now you are in Spain and you are going to have to learn this lessons and you know what I get it. I feel it, I feel the vibes. 

Okay, ever since I arrived in Spain, Ihave been I want to say I have probably been socializing more in the past two months that I have been here than the whole entire year that I lived in Portland. Portland for me was a very, it felt like a solo adventure and being in Spain I can definitely feel and see the contradiction and I think that one of the great lessons that Spain is teaching me right now is that no matter how much I try to resist and no matter how much I try to act like I can do it all myself, I think the lesson here is that I really do need other people.  I naturally not just strive to be independent but I feel likethere are timeswhen I think to myself I do not needanybody, I do not need any one to help I can do this on my own and I will do it on my own. I think that sort of attitude although it’s definitely part of my personalitytype and kind of whatI usually strive for, I think that kind of attitude isn’t necessarily always the healthiest and I think that being in Spain is really showing me that I can’t dothis thing alone. Life is hard, life is difficult. you can’t do everything one hundred percent by yourself because it’s not going to be an easy ride ifthat’s the part you are going to take and Spain has definitely been showing me that I need other people and that I can’t do it alone.  It’s definitely true. Since I have been here, like I said I have been meeting a lot of people, I have been actually going out and socializing and I know weird right?  I mean I definitely do socialize, I just prefer usually to just be alone, I might be sounding a bit dramatic. If I go out one day a week I am good, that is all I need the rest of the time I am happy just being on my own. Spain here is telling me that you know what Sarah, its okay to let other people in. it is okay to depend on other people and that is one of the things that I really happen to have a hard time with. I have a hard time depending on other people, it’s not just with people I am friends with or people I am dating, I just feel like the human race as a whole, I feel like it’s hard for me to depend on anyone which is why I would rather just solely depend on myself and I think I am learning that it’s okay. You don’t have to act like you are so tough; you don’t have to act like you can do this shit on your own. You can rely on other people and doing so does not make you weak and I feel like in a way that by not being able to do it completely on my own, my authority, mymind, my everything. I feel like if I have to ask for help then in some way, shape or form, then I am not good enough on my own and that’s not true. I mentally know that’s not true but inside how I feel about it, it feels as if I am letting myself down in a way and again that is just not true. I feel like I have been living that way for way too long. I have been living that wayand just really pushing people away from me becauseI figureI am cool on my own, I don’t need anyone, I don’t need anything, I got this, I am good, okay, bye. 

That’s honestly not how I want to live my life. I want to be able to depend and trust, okay that’s a big one too trust other people which is very difficult, we all know this. Over all, with all of that being said, currently Spain has been acting as my mirror. It has been showing me that personal relationships for me are very difficult, which is why I have been feeling that friction here but it also kind of why I have been kind of brought here and when I say that personal relationships are difficult for me, again going down this part of personal discovery since you are freaking left in rye damn it doesn’t end, it just doesn’t end. Sopart of the reason that I think that I find relationships with people, people in general, it could be anybody, people just people okay, the reason I find relationships difficult is because Ihave a harder time connecting with people on an emotional leveland for me emotions are confusing, they don’t make any sense whichiswhy it is difficult to connect with other people becausepeople okay are made up of emotions, they are made up of more, they are very complicated and part of that has to do with emotions and intentions and all of that and I don’t understand it so when I am interacting with somebody whether they are like a random personor a friend or whoever and emotions start getting involved I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think, I don’t even know what to feel and that is difficult for me and I realize this. 

I realize that it’s hard and it’s also exhausting. That is the thing too. I am definitely an introvert and so when it comes to being around a lot of people all the time I just feel as though everything is just expelled. I don’t have any energy. At that point that’s when I crave my alone time. That’s when I crave to be alone and not just see anyone, not talk to anyone and just do my own thing and then when I am ready to go back into the world, I shall be born again but until then I just need to play low and be alone. Back to one of my original point, Is that the reason it’s so hard to deal with people is not because of the emotion thing but little bit because of that but because of my personality type. At least I think. I am not trying to put myself on a box but I think understanding which box you are in can help you get out of that box. And for me that box is seeing that I am the kind of person that strives to be alone and that dealing with people is difficult for me and I think that part of that reason is because of my personality type which is on the Myer-Briggs, I am an INTP which means that the way that I gather my information is I have to make sense of the inside world first before I can make sense of the outside world. So when I don’t understand what is happening inside of me in relationship to another person, I can’t begin to even understand what is happening inside of them. Next I am a type 5 on the Enneagram type. They are basically saying I live inside of my head and that I am not driven by my thoughts, but the way that I make sense of the world is through thoughts so you can’t really make sense of another person’s emotions through thinking usually it is something you have to feel which is why I think it’s difficult for me to understand them. 

Anyways, all of these reflections are just coming through for me right about now. It’s definitely showing me that aspect of my personality which is trying to basically just live in the world that I am making in my own head. It’s showing me here that I can’t necessarily do that and there is a world outside of that which is always obviously been true. I think that the reason now that it is coming forward is because the last time that I talked about how I feel this lack of self worth for myself and that hasn’tresurfaced until recently. 

Well, my anxiety also resurfaced which I’m almost sure that if they are coming up at the same time I am guessing they are related anyways. Recently my anxiety has been coming back and again it’s just been showing me that I am way in too much inside of my head and I need to expand my thoughts and how I relate to the world and not just in the things that I think. And that I put myself in a box and I keep myself in a box and yes I am traveling, I am going to see in the world. I have definitely done this before but just because you leave doesn’t mean that you necessarily can see some things that you haven’t seen before.  Right now I am seeing that my anxiety, I am producing my own anxiety through my thoughts which is probably very obvious to some people but me living inside my own body is almost as though the world is producing the fear and I am just reacting on it as opposed to the fear coming internally from me and then my anxiety being that response to that fear. 

Anyways yes it’s showing me that anxiety that I am feeling is self-generated and it doesn’t have anything to do with the world outside of me. I am the source, I am the cause and I am the whatever of my own anxiety. If I can kind of take a step back and see my brain and how it works and why it’s doing that maybe I can hopefully then take a step back from the anxiety because I am telling you that livingI will say the last two weeks, my anxiety levels have been like eighty percent. I am just like eighty percent anxious pretty much all the time which does not feel good.  Its way more than your mind is going and going. You can also feel it in your body. Your body cannot relax, your body is always on edge and I am sorry to say that those are being created inside of my own head. Again bringing this whole back to Spain is that this purge of anxiety also when I was in a group of people, I just got social anxiety, I get a little bit but ever since then it hasn’t stopped so I definitely think there is a relationship with also how I relate with other people too. If I am in a group and that is causing me anxiety there I something going on within me. There is something going on with either the way that I think about myself or expect things from people or maybe I think that they expect things from me and I can’t necessarily give it to them and that’s when I get anxious and that’s when I want to leave and justgo backinto my little cave. Again I am not exactly sure why but this is kind of starting again, I am really trying to figure it out again living inside of my own head.  

Okay so going back to relationships and what exactly what Spain is showing me, besides the fact that it is showing me that I need people in my life that I can’t do this all alone, I get it. It’s also been showing me I want to go a little bit deeper than that and reflect a little bit on the way on the way that I attach to other people. I have talked about this briefly in the past episode; I was really starting to understand my attachment style. We all have one and there are certain ways that we all attach to other people that is how we build connections and trust. That is basically how we form connections with anyone outside of ourselves of ourself. Being here in Spain is physically showing me that I do have a bit of a, I want to say that I definitely have a avoiding attachment style which makes sense, you can see that if I am clearly avoiding people, I am clearly avoiding social contact, I avoid a lot of people clearly and trying to live life on my own and I have the belief that I don’t need anybody, that is definitely a symptom of my attachment style which is to avoid intimacy and to avoid connection.  

So that is definitely a different rabbit hole in itself andI want to go into that a lot further in a different episode, but for now I am just going to keep to relationships in general and I want to save me talking about my it’s probably going to be a two part about my horrible type of men. There is some shit we are going to uncover and that is not for this episode.  We are going to save all of that for another day. But what I am saying is the heart. Speaking generally about just attachment in general, I avoid attachments, attachments scares me, Iguess you would put me under that category, I don’t know what they call people that I guess if you are afraid to commit, that is me, I am afraid to commit to people. I am actually afraid to be in a relationship, I am afraid of getting close to people, I am afraid of people leaving and abandoning me and I guess why I don’t want to get close is that I automatically assume that they are going to leave and I automatically assume that if I did anything wrong, if I were to rock the boat in any way even the slightest, it will automatically just drive them to leave. That has to deal with my fear of attaching to people.  Because it doesn’t make any sense because like if I get close to someone and they are ultimately just going to leave then why even bother getting close.  It doesn’t make any sense to me and this far by being here I haven’t, it’s not like how I am attaching to people is changing, it’s just that I am being able to see it clearly, like the friends that I have made, the people that I have met, I am finding that I can definitely see them myself because I really like the people that I am becoming friends with but I am just afraid of them just one day and them being like I am done. I don’t know why, I have that fear. I have that fear of getting close to someone and then doing something that they don’t like and them just being like ok, we are done it’s over, we are not friends anymore and I see myself becoming a little triggered with some of these things. Like if I text someone and they don’t text me back, my first response is like oh they don’t want to be my friend anymore. I am like this is over I should never text them again which doesn’t make any sense.  If you text someone and they don’t text you back so what? I don’t text people back all the time. If I lived by my own rules and my own standard, that will mean that none of the people that I have never texted back, that will mean that I don’t like them and I don’t ever want to talk to them again, that is completely not true. I am finding that this kind of detachment that I have towards people in general, I am seeing that it is coming out a lot here because everyone here at least and a little community of I want maybe a little like what you call experts in that community, people are very nice, they want to talk to you, they want to get to know you, they want to talk to you, they want to socialize and do things. I am finding that I am the kind of person that just kind of sits back and watch and wait for other people to come to me. I don’t ever usually actively go after friendships unless like I really like that person. Like okay I want to be your friend and that’s just another example of me seeing me for how I am and am not saying that what I am doing should be bad or wrong or should be changed, I am just saying that the way that I am is being shown to me very clearly here and it is due to the fact that I am surrounded by other people and I am almost in a way kind of force people to socialize a little bit because right now I am currently at a co-working and a co-living space.  

So obviously when you are co-working and co-living with people, you are going to be surrounded by people. Which is fine for now, it’s been like a month but anyway showing me that these parts of my personality they are coming out and you know what they shouldn't be coming out. I need to be aware of this. I need to understand what is going on because recently, not even recently all of my life I haven’t been aware of this. I have always thought that there was something wrong with me. I have always thought that I was just a little bit different and I that I didn’t actually belong with people and that’s not true. I am realizing that the way that I show up and the way that I understand the world and the way that I understand myself that is who I am. I just have different needs. I just have different wants and if I prefer to be alone then that’s completely fine.  I am not the kind of person that’s going to go out and be like Oh God, honestly I have to pep talk myself before going to like a social event or going somewhere I don’t know anybody and sometimes I have to pep talk myself to leave the house and that’s fine. I am not saying this is bad, I am saying there is part of myself that I am just learning to accept that’s the way that I am and that is not anything bad. I am really glad that I came because I needed to see this part of myself. I needed to become aware of who I was and that wasn’t going to happen unless I was thrown to the situation. If I had ended up in Croatia and was alone in my little locked haven for three months straight, I would not have realized maybe I have some attachment issues.  Maybe I am a little bit too much of a recluse sometimes. Maybe I can sometimes step into that unknown which is with people. Going towards people is an unknown for most other people but there is definitely going to be some of us on this earth and that is an unknown. Yes, for me that am a little bit scary and going in that direction is not anywhere that I have ever gone before. Opening up myself up to people completely and really letting people in and trying to be part of that community and really depending on other people and asking for help, that’s not something that I normally do.  For me this is taking effort, this is taking me pushing forward a little bit but again it’ some place that I need to go it’s someplace that I have never been. Honestly I can’t even remember the last time that I really try to just be open with people will completely and just let people in and try to be part of that community.  It’s funny that my current roomy will come home and when we are all there and he is like the family is together and for some reasons when he says that, it just kind of bothers me a little bit and it’s nothing about him, it is not what he is saying, it is completely my own issues and I need that, I need these things to be shown to me completely and be okay and I think that’s part of the reason why I am here. It’s because I need to learn about myself. I need to see myself. I need to be exposed to myself because in a way I haven’t been. I have been living inside of my own mind and I have been creating a story inside of my head about the way that I am and who I am and I am finding that is not necessarily true. 

It’s good to feel that friction with other people because it lets you know what is going on inside of you.  Like I just said when he says oh the whole family is here and that bothers me a little bit. Why does that bother you, what is going on and like why would that. I guess it would bother me but why does the fact that people are together and are happy and in a home together, why does that bother me a little bit. I don’t know, I am just asking, I don’t know the answer to that question. I think one day it will come out maybe you know, whoever I listening is like you know and you are like saying oh this bitch here she goes again, well if you know tell me because is don’t know what it is. It can go on forever can’t it? I can always dive a little bit deeper we can always go somewhere else; I guess that is part of the journey.  We are here to learn and if you are hold up that and you are ready to go dive deeper than yourself you are going to learn some shit.  I just think that it’s good to step into that place that you have never been before because that is where you are going to start learning things and that is where you need to go because if you have never been there before guess what you are going to have to go there eventually. We are not leaving any rocks unturned because I am in a deep; there is no turning back now. The only way out is in and I am heading inward. It’s been arresting and it’s definitely is. It’s an arresting to go back and listen to this episode I don’t know when I am like in my 60’s and I will look back and be like oh bitch please.  You want to learn something about yourself oh girl let me tell you a thing or two. 

Anyways I think that I am one with this episode, I hope it kind of made sense because I feel like I was rambling a little bit too much. Again it’s a little bit difficult to accurately describe all of the things that are going on internally right now because theyare quite a lot. A lot Is happening and the world is changing which is good and that’s why we are here people to learn and to grow. You know what I feel it sometimes its hurt. It hurts a little bit not as much as freaking Bulgaria, that was a painful trip and I think that … this wraps up episode numero 23 and I want to say thank you again to everybody that is listening to this podcast I really appreciate it. I really do and I want to say thank you to everyone that left me a review on I tunes I absolutely appreciate that as well, thank you, thank you. Like I said in my last episode, I am going to be doing a forty day, I don’t know what you want to call it, a forty day spiritualpractice challenge and I am going to start with the book, I have the audio book actually. It is called May Cause Miracles and it is basically going to be a forty day spiritual practice challenge. I think every day is between five to ten minutes worth of spiritual practices and yes anyone is welcome to join me. If you like I have a link to the free audio through audible on my website, you can get the audio book for free when you sign up audible and again you can cancel within thirty days, they don’t charge you and that way you get the book and you can join me if you like and it’s going to be for forty days and I have never done anything for that long before so we will see how it goes, if you have any questions please email me questions, comments. I don’t care whatever. My email address is artoftheunknownpodcast@gmail.com and if you want to check on my website I have some episodes transcribed, I am working on it and it’s definitely a process but if you want the transcription, you can go there, I have pictures, I also have a small blog, I am working on it but yes if you want to check on my website, you can go to actsoftheunknownpodcast.com. Thank you and thank you again for listening and I am out.

Recorded: Las Palmas, Spain

Released: March 10, 2017 

Episode 22: Self Love & Lack Thereof - Transcript

    Hey guys and welcome back to the show. You’re listening to episode 22 and I’m your host Sarah Kreuz. 

    So in this week’s episode we are going to get a little personal. I’m actually a little bit afraid to go into this direction of the unknown because it not somewhere that I want to go. And to be honest, it’s somewhere that I have been, not trying to avoid, but trying to subconsciously distract myself so that I didn’t have to face this particular aspect of me. So I’m going to start by saying that sometimes we leave a place, a situation, or even a person and we think that once have left whatever we left behind, we also assume a part of ourselves is left behind with them or it. And thats exactly what I’ve been doing ever since I left the country back in October. I’ve simply just been assuming that the parts of me that I didn’t want to face, or the parts of me that were difficult to comprehend or understand.. I was assuming that just because they haven’t been coming up for me as often as they have in the past, I had just assumed they were gone. I assumed that since I left the country, I also left a part of me behind and that part of me was something that I didn’t like or want to associate with. 

    So in episode 4, i talked about how this trip wasn’t about me running away from something like I’ve done in the past. But instead this trip was more so about running towards something and if you want to go back and listen to that episode, its number 4 and its called “Runaway”. But since I’ve recorded that episode back in October, I think a little bit has changed. And i think that without realizing it consciously, I was actually trying to run away from a part of myself that I didn’t like. And that part has to do with self love, or in my case, the lack of it. 

    Before I left the states, I was very aware of the fact that I need to improve the way that i felt about myself and I really needed to improve how I related to the parts of myself that I was insure about. Since I’ve left, nothing has been coming up for me, which is why I assumed that I had fixed the problems that were so deeply rooted inside of me. But that is not the case. Recently within the past week or so, it has really been coming back up for me. And its showing me that, while I have healed a little bit, I still have the fundamental feeling of unworthiness… and I don’t want to say self hate, but a server lack of self love. So this is very difficult for me to talk about and its not difficult because I am speaking it into a microphone or I am broadcasting it on my podcast. But its difficult to talk about because it is something that I avoid confronting within me and its difficult for me to accept and face were I am at on an emotional level. And its something that, at the end of the day, I don’t want to do and I would rather it not be a problem. But because it is coming back up I know I have to talk about it and I know that I have to face it. I can’t keep avoiding the issues that are basically there. Because I have been doing that. I have been assuming that some of my internal problems were fixed because they haven’t been coming up. I know thats not the case, and I feel like I’m avoiding the issues once again so I’m just going to start by talking about it. 

    I know that I have a lack of self love because of the state that I was in before I left the country. When I was living in Portland, Oregon. I could barely be alone with myself. Confronting who I was and looking myself in the mirror and just trying to see where I was at and who I was: I couldn’t do it.  I would look in the mirror and literally start crying. I could not face who I was because I didn’t like who I was. And it wasn’t because I did something wrong or because i thought that i was a horrible person. I just didn’t have that love and appreciation for myself like I did for other people. It was almost as though I would look at myself and ask the universe: Why have I been given this body? Why have I been given this personality? Why have I been given this soul? There’s nothing about myself that I like. It was a struggle to look myself in the mirror or to even acknowledge one thing about myself that I liked. I know that this was clearly a sign that there was a lack of self love and respect for myself. It was almost as though, if you were to strip away everything that I was,  everything that I had done, and just everything about me: the way I look, the way I act, the way I feel… If you can strip all of that down. I still did not like what was life. And you can see why this is a little bit difficult to talk about because it is one of the core issues that I have. And it is why I really believe that this whole thing that I am going: traveling and the podcast - I am really trying to step away from who I was and really try to change. I feel like I am doing it as a way for me to heal myself. And the foundation and the root of that healing is needed because of the way I feel about myself. And the way that I think about myself and the way that I ultimately do not love myself. And this trip has turned into a healing a journey because that is the very thing that I need. I need to heal the parts of myself that I’ve over time destroyed. I have rejected, I have put down. I have in some way shape or form have told myself that I am not enough… I am not worthy of love and I am not lovable which is why I have not been giving myself the love that I need to myself. 

    So what I think I am dealing with here is the core belief that I am not enough. The way that i show up to the world is not enough: The way that I look, the way that I act and the way that I show up to the world as I am without having to do anything or try or pretend like I know whats going on… I feel like the way that I ultimately and purely andauthentically show up is not enough. Which is why I believe that I maintain the belief that if I were to do something or achieve something or if I were just different in any particular way then I would be worthy of the love that I think that I want and think that I deserve. And then only once I cross over to the other side of who I think i should be and who I think i need to be, then I will get that love. And I think that is the problem that I am dealing with because I am ultimately trying to obtain something else. I am tying to change in a certain way and I am trying to be something other than where I am at before I can give myself any love. And before I can just appreciate and find gratitude and love who I am in the exact place and in the exact way that I am. 

    And I’m not saying that I hate myself… no. I definitely do not but before I left I would say that I did. Since then, I have come a long way. Although I am not where I want to be, I have made improvements which is why I believe I am going in the right direction. And which is why I believe that I really need to talk about whats been going on. Getting this honest, not just with whoever is listening, but also with myself is very difficult and scary. It’s something that I don’t want to talk about and its something that I would rather just avoid. But I know that if my purpose here is to heal myself, I know that i have to go down this path in order to so so. I can’t avoid the parts of myself that I don’t like because they are never going to change or heal unless I am able to bring them up to light. Unless I’m able to expose them to myself and really understand what they are and where they come from. Unless I can acknowledge then, then I’m not going to be able to heal it and they’re not going to change. I really think that by talking about stuff like this, it’s bringing it to light and once its exposed that is when it begins to dissipate. That’s when whatever issues or problems that you have with yourself internally…that is when you are able to bring them to light and stop pushing them down. That is when they can be released and ultimately begin to heal. I really think that’s whats been happening since i left. I think what has been happening is that by doing this podcast and actually talking about whats been going on, where I am at, whats been happening inside of me, and the unknown parts of myself that I have been trying to avoid.. I think that is where the healing is happening. 

    Yeah you can look and see that I am traveling to these different places, but I really think that the places are being shown to me because of the changes that I am making internally. I really believe that the changes are happening first and then the outside world is being reflected because of those changes. And that another why I want to share whats been going on and why doing this podcast is really important for me because I feel like if I can explain how I am trying to process everything that is going on and everything that is coming up and what i think about about it and how I am realizing it… I really hope that by doing so it will show somebody that if I can do it then you can do it. If I can really turn the attention inwards and go in that direction, then I think that is completely possible for anybody. Because that, ultimately, is who we are and I think that we spend so much time trying to avoid going inwards and trying to avoid the issues that we know we have. I think that we spend too much time focusing externally that we end up living a life unhealed. This is because we don’t take the time nor put in the energy that it takes to put attention internally as opposed to externally. For me, the attention isn’t mostly external but it is definitely a lot. Its a lot easier to point to how the world around needs to fixed or changed that it is to point what inside of us needs to change. And I’m shining a light in there right now and looking around with the intention of healing it, fixing it, and ultimately moving on from it. Because I do not want to harbor this pain. I do not want to harbor any negative emotions about myself or other people. I do not want to harbor any form of negativity in my body, in my mind, in my soul, in my food, in my home, in my life.. in whatever! I do not want any of that. If theres something living inside of me that I know is negative, or something that I am afraid of and I am trying to avoid… then I know that is exactly where I need to go. That right there people, is the unknown that lives within all of us and that is the unknown that we do not want to go to but despite how desperately you do not wan tot go there and how much you try to avoid that place that is the place you need to go. That is the place inside of you that is calling for you attention and to ultimately heal it. I know what is wrong with me, I can feel it, I can hear it.. but that is what I try to avoid. 

    I know that I am not the only one that does that. You know what you need to do and you know where you need to go. But you resist going there because you hope that the place that is calling for you attention is going to change. It’s like you can ask yourself the same question over and over again but you are expecting to get a different answer. You’re expecting and hoping that one day the answer is going to change because you do not like the answer. You do not like your intuition or your higher self or whatever you want to call it pointing you to where you need to go internally. I do it too, I hope that the answer is going to change. I hop that I can ignore the problem long enough that it is just going to go away. And yo know what? I have been ignoring this problem for far too long which is why I need to talk about it. 

    And I think talking about it is helping. I know that unless I can confidently say that I 100% love myself as I am and as I show up to the world then I know that it won’t matter what anyone else says, does, or thinks… I am going to see the lack of self love and I am only going to feel that as a response to anything that I do, say, or think. That is going to remain there until I have the desire and the motivation to change it. Which will take time and dedication, but I think that wanting too and knowing that it is possible, I think those are the things that you need in order to make a positive change within yourself. And I guess that is where we need to being, right? And I also think it starts by tearing down all of the layers. Because it is so easy to keep them up. its so so easy distract yourself with people, food, alcohol, with whatever.. its so easy to distract yourself and place the attention on anything other than where you’re at internally and I think that something that I have been doing of far too long, which is why I really think it is important to know how to be alone with yourself and listen to what you are telling you because it is what you need to hear. And like I said how I would just sit in my room and cry in Portland, that was clearly myself telling me what was wrong with me. It was telling me that I don’t love myself and it was telling me that you need to be a little bit nicer to yourself. You need to stop being your own worst enemy because look at what you are doing to yourself: you are destroying not just your body but your internal being too. All this stress and these negative thoughts, they are having an impact on your health, they are having an impact on your well being, your mental state…don’t even get me started with the anxiety. Yes, there are negative repercussions to basically being a bully to yourself all of the time. So that’s what I’m saying, listen to what you are saying because you are saying it so very clearly and its tearing down he layers that are preventing you from listening and actually hearing what you are saying. 

    There are layers that are in the physical world but there are also layers that are also within you as well. Like the mind. The mind will distract you, it will tell you things, it will try lead you astray. It is way easier to distract yourself in the moment than it is to really dive deep within yourself and understand what is going on and to really feel that pain. That is the thing: this is painful. You are going to need to feel the pain of where you are at because guess what? It hurts. It hurts for me right now too. I knew that this was also something that I had to confront because I felt it coming. I felt an emotional purge coming. I didn’t know why, but I felt that there were feelings that were going to come upand I wasn’t going to like them but I knew that I had to feel them or else they were going to live inside of me and ultimately destroy me from the inside out…to be real. I am learning how to feel these feelings.  Okay, I am not going to cry on this episode, haha, don’t worry guys, I already got that out before I started recording. But what I am saying is that you are going to have to feel these feelings. So what I kinda did was I just sat with myself and I felt all of the feelings that I did not want to feel. I sat there and it was uncomfortable, it still is a little uncomfortable okay I’m not saying that it’s over with, there are still things in there that I haven’t let of. But I think the important thing is to feel them as they are and as they come up and not try to label them. Because for me, and my mind, and who I am: I need to understand things mentally in order for them to make sense on any level of my being. Which is why emotion are difficult for me because when I feel somethingI automatically want to label, put it into a box and put it into a category in order for my mind to understand it. And part of my evolution of understanding myself is that I can t necessarily do that. Emotions are something that you are not going to be able to put into a box because that is not what they belong. That is something on a different playing field. So for me what I needed to do and am still doing is to feel the emotions as they are without trying to label them. Because if they are coming up, that means that they are there and they are going to be there until they are felt. For me, the feeling of not being loved and the feeling of unworthiness and the feeling of not being enough, those have been living inside of me for far too long. But i have been pushing those emotions down. I have been trying to avoid them and I have been distracting myself from them. I have basically then acting like the don’t exist within me, but they are there and they are something that I need to feel in order to move past them. It won’t feel good, it hasn’t been feeling good but I know that is what needs to happen. And I think that if you can understand what is happening, like for me, if I can look at the situation right now and understand that it is only temporary and that this is going to pass, then I can go through this temporary discomfort in order to move on from these emotions and ultimately heal from them. If it makes sense to me, then I can understand it, then I know that it is something that I can do. This is going to be different for everyone, but I’m just explaining the process behind what I am trying to do to heal myself of the feeling of ultimate unworthiness…of that feeling of not being enough and of just not loving myself. 

    I would consider where I am at battle. I would consider this a battle of self love. With that being said, I think that what I am feeling and what I am experiencing is the root of a lot of issues and a lot of anxieties that I have, not regarding myself but also how I relate to this world. And this podcast is definitely a way for me to help heal a lot of those feeling of unworthiness and those feelings of lack of self love. So I want to go a step further which is why I am going to be doing a 40 day.. not meditation challenge.. but a 40 day challenge filled with spiritual exercises. I don’t know if you’ve read the book “May Cause Miracles” but it’s basically a 40 day guide book to help you become more in tune with yourself and more in alignment with the universe. it is written by Gabriele Bernstein who wrote the book “The Universe Has Your Back”, anyways, if you want to join me in this little spiritual adventure, you’re more than welcome too.

        Im going to have a link to the audio book in the show notes. You can get it for free off of audible. So if you want to join me you can. You can go to my website www.artoftheunknownpodcast.com and click on the link that says podcast, scroll down to episode 22 and there you will find that the show notes with the link to the audio book. If you want to join me, you are more than welcome too. My intention going into it is going to be, hopefully, reconnecting back to myself and hopefully opening myself up to the love that I know exists within me and also exists within the universe as a whole. I haven’t started the intro or anything.  But I know that basically everyday is a different spiritual exercise that you do to help increase that feeling of love and acceptance in yourself and in the universe. I think one maybe takes 5 minutes, so its nothing huge, nothing drastic… its basically just a consecutive 40 days practice filled with tiny shifts that you’re going to be making. And I would really like it if anyone wanted to join me, that would be great. And other than that, I want to say thank you again to everyone that listens to this podcast… you inspire me and keep me going. Because there are days when I don’t want to record, I don’t think that I am doing it right and I don’t feel like I am in the right spot. But when I hear feedback from you guys, that lets me know that I am doing the right thing despite how scary or how uncomfortable it feels and I wanted to say thank you. And if you like the show, I would really appreciate a review on Itunes just so I can know what you think and what you want to hear and yes. So thank you again for listening, this basically wraps up episode number 22 and I am out!

Released: March 2, 2017 

Recorded: Las Palmas de Gran Canaria, Spain 

Episode 21: On Being in the Present Moment... Or Not - Transcript

You’re listening to Art of the Unknown, the podcast about traveling inwards, outwards and onwards. 

Hey guys and welcome back to the show and you are listening to episode number 21 and I am your host Sarah Kreuz. In this week’s episode, I want to talk about traveling and being in the present moment. So I have been on the road now for about four months and one of the things that I think traveling really teaches you is not only not only how to be in the present moment but it can help expose you to times or habits or situations when you allow yourself to leave the present moment and to let your mind to wander to the future or the past or basically to anywhere where you currently are not. I am sure I am not the only one that this happens to. I have noticed that either when I am traveling or planning to go somewhere or pretty much doing anything that is planned and it’s in the future, I spend a lot of time thinking about what it’s going to be like when I get there and ultimately just being there. I find out that even though I spend all this time thinking about what it is going to be like when I get there I find that once I get it’s almost as if my mind automatically leaves and it’s looking for the next place or what’s going to happen tomorrow or where we are going to go next or anything that is again being projected into the future.  I am finding that this happens to me a lot. 

I am really trying to be aware of my thoughts and be aware of my thought process. I am seeing a habit that no matter where I go to or where I get to, it’s almost as though it doesn’t hold my attention long enough to fully enjoy it. For some reason, my mind has to automatically start thinking about the future or the next place or the next location. I am seeing this pattern and I am really starting to aware that I don’t live in this present moment much as I thought I did and constantly being on the move and traveling the way that I do, I am finding it very easy to be exposed to how often I project things into the future. A lot is changing so it just gives my mind a lot of opportunities to constantly going to the future and think about the future and ultimately live in the future and if my mind is constantly there it can’t be in the present moment and if you are not in the present moment then where are you?  

The present moment is ultimately the only moment that truly actually exist.  The past and the future are just concepts in our minds and the present is only that point between the two that is actually happening. So if we are not in the present moment then we are allowing our mind to be in someplace else and ultimately some place that is not where we want to be. So one intention for this trip is to really be opened to the universe and let my traveling teach me something and expose me to either things that I need to learn or ways that I need to heal myself and the part of me that is becoming exposed recently is my relationship with my present moment and this is being brought to my attention more recently and I really started to noticed it in the past week. Last week I took a trip to England and I was there for a week with two of my good friends and even though I had a really good time, I found that I wasn’t quite all there mentally. It was almost as though my mind was constantly somewhere else that was the future. I wasn’t even trying to do this but I find out that my mind was constantly running to some place other than where I was at and it was constantly finding something to worry about. Before I got there, I really wanted to not worry about anything and just really enjoy my time with my friends and really just focus on the moments but as soon as I landed, I found that there was always something in my mind to worry about, there was always something that for some reason in my mind needed my attention or needed me to worry about far more than where I was at. This pattern persisted in the whole entire trip, I think it was justa way for me to become exposed to how my mind actually lives and how it’s constantly doing this and how it’s constantly trying to worry about the future or be sad about the past and I think that this trip toEngland really helped exposed me to how my mind is constantly functioning without me being aware of it because my mind was constantly focused on the future. 

It was almost as if I had left England as soon as I got there. I found that no matter where we ended up, my mind will always run to what would happen next or what we would do tomorrow or even worry about things that are five years down the line. Ultimately it was constantly wandering to anywhere else beside where I was at. Being aware of this is really showing me that what is the point of experiencing this world, or being with the people that you love if you can’t truly enjoy while you are doing it.  This trip has showed me that I don’t live in the present moment, I am constantly either living in the past or in the future and I have a hard time really, truly one hundred percent being present. I knew that I did that but more recently am I really becoming aware of how severely I avoid the present moment. I know we hear a lot about being in the present moment and living in the present moment and whatever else the hippies are saying. I know that the present moment is something that we tend to want to strive for but at this point in my whatever you want to call it, spiritual evolution, I am realizing that I know a lot more about living in the future or living in the pastthan I do about actually living in the present moment.  If I can’t even define the present moment or really truly explain what it is, I have a hard time doing so and that’s because I am not there that often, I am not in the present moment often enough to really understand fully what if feels like because even when I am trying to be in the present moment, even when I am trying to meditate or really trying to embrace the moment 100%, I still find out that my mind is either in the past or in the future. Understanding the present moment I guess it’s something that is difficult for me because I haven’t learned how to fully embrace it. I think there is a few reasons that might explain why I cant 100% fully live in the present moment and I will get into those in a little bit. But for right now even though traveling is showing me how much in the moment I am not, I also really believe that traveling is also a means to help get you into the present moment. Yes, there are things that we can do to help us reach that point like meditate or different forms of exercise or arts.  There are a lot of things that could help pull you into the present moment and definitely those things are great but I think traveling offers a different and more unique experience of being put into the present moment because it is done so almost very naturally. The reason for this is because when you are traveling you are at a new place or in a new occasion or you are seeing something for the first time, that’s when you are automatically pulled into the present moment because it requires all of your attention. I am finding that while traveling is a way that am pulled into the present moment, I am finding that recently my mind can be in the present moment and then escape it almost in the same seconds. It’s almost as though I am living in the present, it can leave just as quickly and for me it seems a though it’s kind of happening at the exact same time.  

Like the same moment I am appreciating where I am at or I am seeing the beauty in something or I am trying a food for the first time, it’s almost as though as it is happening, I am also worrying about the future and how I feel or anything elsethat is there to worry about. It’s almost as though my mind is trying to run away from the moment and trying to be anywhere else and trying to just leave where I am at. It has its reasons I think. I think that when you are trying to live in a moment and trying to be at present, it takes a little bit of effort because I feel like in a way, the mind id trying to leave who you are and it’s trying to distract you from what is actually happening.  I think for part of the reasons that I am becoming so distracted from the moment and from really understanding where I am at and being there 100% is because in a way I feel like I don’t deserve to be in the present moment.  It’s almost as though I have so many other things to worry about and so many other things that I can be doing or preparing for or figuring out or anything that it’s like I don’t have time to be in the present moment and I don’t deserve to be in the present moment because there is things that I haven’t done, there is things that I haven’t accomplished, there is things that I still need to do, there is things that I still need to be better at before I can actually sit back and enjoy where I am at.  

Part of me feels that I can’t be in the present moment because ultimately there is something else that I could be doing or could be putting my attention on or could be worrying about and that who I am right now and how I am showing up to the present moment isn’t enough and I that I need to fix something or change something or do something before I can fully and completely be in the moment. I am finding that happens to me more often than I think it should and why it’s not the only reason that my mind wanders, I definitely thinks that it is part of the reason and it’s becoming exposed to me the more that I am becoming more aware of my thoughts and the more that I am becoming aware of how I avoid living in the present and where my mind is actually running to. While the mind can always make up something that you could be doing or that you should be doing or that you are not doing it, therefore you are not good enough for something, whatever it is. The mind could always be making up reasons why you shouldn’t be here and you should be doing something else and that’s exhausting and that’s never going to end. 

I think that part of the lessons to be learned here is that in order to live in the present moment, we have to realize all of these thoughts are going to come. These thoughts about who we should be and what we should do or anything that is going to be surrounding us and in a way it’s kind of like we have to get through them, not get through them but we kind of have to ignore them in order for us to be completely in the present moment because you can keep on trying to grab on to a thought or keep on trying to chase a thought or whatever. You may hold on to that thought, you may believe that thought, that thought will run its course but no matter what, there is always going to be more thoughts that will try to take you away from your present moments. So I think that in order to completely be present, we are going to have to really not believe everything we think or not give our thoughts the attention that we think they deserve.  Because even right now I can be making up reasons why I shouldn’t be doing this right now or I could be doing something else or I could be doing something better. All of those thoughts are taking me away from actually focusing on where I am right now and really letting everything happen as it should. I think that’s part of the reason for meditation is because of these zen masters and all of these Buddhas or whoever, I think that they obviously had an idea of what the mind is and what the mind does. That’s why meditation is such a widely used practice for getting back to the present moment because it helps detach you from your thoughts; it helps detach you from the things that are trying to pull you away from the present moment and the things that are ultimately trying to distract you. You know what thoughts do an excellent job at distracting you. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy because of how quickly and how freaking rapidly my thoughts move through my head. It’s almost as though I can’t catch up.  It’s almost as though if I try to understand every single thought and I if I try to act on every single thought, I am freaking running around with my head cut off, it’s too much and that point is when I feel like I am going crazy because I have so many thoughts that I can’t grab on to when I feel like I need to.  I think one of the benefits that I am receiving from meditation is that I am able to kind of just see those thoughts and not just try to grab on to them. I can kind of see those thoughts from a distance and realize that they are there and understand that they exist but I don’t have to believe them, I don’t have to act on them, I don’t have to give them the attention that they want because if I try to give all of these thoughts equal attention or time or anything, that’s when I start to feel like I am going crazy because it’s just too much. There is too much happening in my head to attend to all of it and that’s when I feel like I leave the present moment because there are so many things that I could be doing or worrying about or need to do. So, being in the present moment is I think is when we are able to be kind of release the need to give in to all of these thoughts and you actually see what is happening right here and now as oppose to projecting something into the future or trying to solve a problem that doesn’tyet exist. Traveling and doing these trips and living life here on the road is really showing me how much I project things into the future and it’s not just when I travel, it is in every part of my life. It’s almost as though no matter what I do, there is always something more that I feel like I could be doing and that is when my mind starts moving to the future, that’s when it starts to leave the present moment because it’s kind of almost as though it’s making a problem that don’t exist yet but even though they don’t exist I still want to solve them. 

That is when the mind is moving from the present to the future because it’s trying to solve all these problems that I created that live in the future that don’t even exist yet. When you do that, no matter where you are, what you are doing basically what’s happening is that you are losing the present moment to the future. You are losing where you are because you are constantly worrying about something that is going to happen, that hasn’t happen or that will never happen. When you constantly are living in the future, you are giving up the ability to be in the present moment and to actually truly be happy. Because in order to be happy you have to be here, you have to be in the moment because that is the only thing that is actually true and that is the only thing that is currently happening. If you are either projecting happiness into the future or waiting for happiness or doing anything to avoid being in the moment, you are never going to be happy because happiness doesn’t exist in the future because the future does not exist. Happiness can only be found here because that is really the only place that you are ever going to be, is where you are right now.  If you keep on running away from it or avoiding it or doing anything then how do you expect to actually be happy? That’s what I found out that I am doing. I am constantly living in the future and by doing so I can’t be happy. I am not finding happiness, I am not where Ineed to be and by realizing that I put my mind somewhere elseI think that’s the first step in actually trying to be where I am at and to find happiness in the moment. I think you can only really honestly and truly live in the present moment if you are not resisting it, if you are not trying to avoid it and if you are not trying to make up reasons why the future is going to be better or makeup reasons why the past was better. 

 I think that you can only really be in the present moment by accepting that is the only moment that we have. After accepting it, the next logical thing to do is then to try to make the best out of it because you can’t keep running from the present moment because you are not going to get anywhere because there is nowhere else to go and I am finding that when I constantly project things into the future, I am living in a state of mind that isn’t anything, it’s not anywhere. The only thing that it is doing is really preventing me from enjoying the moment and in some ways that’s when I feel like I am losing out on the present moment when Iconstantly worry about the future. Because that’s my point with my example from England is that Ifelt that as soon as I got there, I was constantly worrying aboutthe future and if I worry about the future I couldn’t be in the moment andlooking back I feel like I wasn’t actually there becausemy mind wasn’t there yes my body was there but my mindwas constantly being thrown into the future and by doing so I lost the chance to fully be in the present moment. I feel like that’s a great lesson that I needed to learn and I feel like I need to focus more on the present moment in order to actually be where I am at because I am not going to be anywhere else besides where I am at, it’s not just physically possible. So my mind does a lot of things in order to avoid being in the present moment and running to the future or worrying about something that hasn’t happened yet or even day dreaming or fantasizing about what is going on and happening and what is going to come into my life. Those are definitely ways that I distract myself from the present moment in order to I want to say solve problems that don’t exist yet or find happiness somewhere other than where I am currently at and those are ways that my mind moves from the present to the future. What it also does is it move from the present moment to the past and I think that living in the past is a little bit different of a mindset than living in the future and I think that we are running either to the future or the past for the same reason and that’s to avoid being in the present moment but why are we avoiding the present moment that’s a little bit different, it depends on where you are running to. 

I think we all can maybe understand the reasons why we are running to the future but I think it’s also important to understand why we are running towards the past and for me a lot of it has to do with the fact that I still haven’t let go of what has happened in the past. It could be a lot of things, it could be good things, and it could be bad things or whatever. Like I mentioned in episode 14 upwards from past and pains, If you guys want to check that out, I talked about ways in which I am still holding on to pain in the past. I think that we are kind of drawn to the past because we are holding on to something that we can’t let go of completely and why that episode that I just referred to talked a lot about holding on to the things that are painful, we can also hold on to memories that we really enjoyed or loved or anything because we at still fundamentally unable to let go of that attachment that we have on to things that are either good or bad. I am not going to go into much details about this because I feel I already talked about it a little bit in episode 14 but I do tend to hang on to things that have hurt just like I am sure a lot of other people do. I think that I hold on to them because I haven’t fully accepted that they have happened. I haven’t fully accepted the fact that it’s done, it’s over and it’s time to move on and I think I do so because in a way my mind hasn’t fully been able to justify what happened or accept it or to just let it be. I think that I hold on to it a lot to it longer than I do is because I am trying to in a way makeup reasons why it could not have happened or it should not have happened. If I can’t justify an event that has happened in the past then in some weird way I don’t believe it and I have to keep on telling myself of a story or an excuse as to why it happened before I can fully believe it and ultimately move on from it. 

By holding on to this events in the past or my interpretation of the past or this stories that I created about my past, by doing all of that I am moving my attention from the present moment to the past and that’s again taking away any potential happiness that I have to experience in the present moment because I am giving it up in order to relieve the past or to justifythe past or to make up some excuse why the past is the waythat it is and by doing so that is again getting away from being in the present moment completely. So even if I am projecting something into the future or hanging on to something that happened in the past, either way, what I am basically doing is just making up an excuse as to why I can’t be one hundred percent present in the right moment, right here and right now and yes there is definitely a balance between letting go and moving forward and I am still trying to find that balance and I know that balance lives in the present moment. I am just becoming aware of how difficult it is for me to actually be in the presentmoment and I am really learning that my mind wonders very easilyand very quickly and very far from where I am actually at right now andI think that just becoming aware of how often my mind does this is what I need to learn and what I need to be exposed to andI think thatthis past week of traveling and seeing myself in a different light has really began to exposeme to how mymind is actually functioning and where it’s going and where it is and why. So being in the present moment, being here, being now is something that I think I we should all kind of strive to do but it’s obviously very difficult, this is not something that comes easily to anyone I don’t think so unless maybe you are Buddha. 

I think I am done being in this particular moment right here, right now. I want to say thank you for listening to this episode I am a little sick if you haven’t noticed in my voice, so thank you for listening. I appreciate it; I appreciate the support, shout out to Briski, I love you and thank you for listening. Again if anyone wants to check out my website or email me or whatever, my website is artoftheunknownpodcast.com. You can find me there, you can find me on Instagram and yes thank you again for listening, and I am out.

Recorded: Las Palmas, Spain 

Released: February 20, 2017 

Episode 19: Self Doubt 101 - Transcript

You are listening to Art of the Unknown, the podcast about traveling inwards, outwards and onwards.

Hey guys welcome back to the podcast, you are listening to episode number 19 and I am your host Sarah Kreuz. Another week, another podcast, another moment of self reflection and asking myself what the hell am I doing with my life. People, I don’t know and will I ever know? Again how can you know when you don’t know? Anyways, in this episode I want to dive into the topic of the thing I don’t want to dive into but I know I have to. And it is the topic of self doubt and how it relates to traveling. So I guess am just going to start off by saying to be honest and to be fair, I feel like I live in a world ofself doubt. I doubt myself constantly, I question my abilities, I question my thoughts, I question everything not just about myself but also what I want. And that’s why I think maybe I am kind of ready to talk about this topic but I am also a little bit afraid to talk about this topic, the irony persists… it always does. 

I am just going to start off by saying that self doubt is going to live inside each and every single one of us. I’m talking about it as though it is a psychological or even a philosophical concept but I am honestly experiencing self doubt right now. Every time before I start recording, my brain goes off into a state of self doubt and anxiety. I question whether or not this is what I want to be doing, I question if I can do it, I question if anyone even gives a crap about what I have to say, I question if I even give a fuck about what I have to say. Yes, I live in self doubt okay, but I think one of the things I really try to do is I try to understand what is coming up and hopefully try to not let it control me and that’s definitely easier said than done. There are probably more times that I am aware of that I let self doubt stop me from doing something or even entertaining a certain thought. I guess it’s time to talk about this maybe because I have been experiencing a lot of self doubt when it comes to what I want, not just out of this podcast but also what I wantout of life. 

I think that traveling is a way for, not just myself, but for anyone else who pushes themselves farther than they think they can go. I think that traveling in a way really helps you kind of look at yourself and kind of takes that self doubt and puts it right in front of you where you can see it. So we are going to back it up for just a minute. There were a lot of reasons that I wanted to start this podcast. One of them being is that I wanted a platform to speak about my two favorite topics which are obviously traveling and spirituality. I know this podcast ventures a little bit more towards the spirituality type. But, when you are on it you are on it, that’s just what has been coming out lately. Maybe that’s a sign for me that’s the direction I am ultimately going to go but anyways enough about that. I will say spirituality number one, traveling number two if I had to get real. When it comes to traveling, I talk to my friends about traveling, I talkto strangers about traveling, I talk to whoever, anyone that want to talk about it. Yes we talk about some travels like where are you going, where are you coming from, what sup with you, where have you been and whats up over there. 

When it comes to traveling, I know that there is definitely a fear when it comes to actually taking the step and leaving the country or booking a ticket or going on a trip that you really really want but you are afraid to kind of let go and shake up your life a little bit. To let go of the things that took you forever to build or you think that you need, or you think that you want. So this podcast is obviously about stepping into the unknown and embracing territories of the world, of yourself, of your mind, I mean who knows but part of that means actually stepping out from where you are to where you have never been and I feel like there is going to be two different things that is going to hold you back. There is going to be a fear of the outside world, fear of what is physically around you, fear of what is out there and fear of what could happen or fear of what you are leaving behind just anything, any fear that is of the external world.  On the flip side, there is going to be fear that lives within us, which is going to be self doubt. That is the feeling or feelings that you are not capable, that you are not enough, that you don’t physically have what it takes to do what you want to do. So basically self doubt is going to be a lack of confidence in your own ability, in your own thoughts, your own strengths basically you are questioning not just your potential but your fucking greatness. You are questioning whether or not you have the ability or you have anything. You are questioning whether or not you can do it alone. Or are able and capable of doing and having what you want. And that’s because you don’t have confidence in yourself… you don’t have confidence in maybe your psychological state, maybe your emotional state, whatever it is, you don’t just have the confidence there. 

For a lot of people, the unknown they want to step into is going to be in regards to traveling and when you are stepping out into that unknown, whether it’s being in a new country for the first time or it could maybe a solo backpacking trip… or it can banything. So when it comes to the time to step into that unknown, there are two different fears that you are going to have to face: you are going to face the fear of the external world which is pretty self explanatory like what is out there, what will I do when I come back from traveling, what’s going to happen to I don’t know my job situation and blah blah blah, all of that stuff. These are fears that you are going to have to face externally and I talk about what it actually means stepping into the unknown, if you want to go back to that episode, its episode number two and it also talked about some thoughts before I left for this trip and exactly like what kind of fears were running through my head and all of that. So that’s episode number three. What I am trying to say here is that yesthere is going to be fears that you are going to have to face externally but when you kind of look a little bit deeper, there is going to be things that you going to have to face internally as well. I think the greatest one of the things that prevents us from actually doing what we want is going to to be that self doubt. I think that there is a lot of self doubt when it comes to travel. It’s because traveling is always a new experience. It’s something that even if you have gone to that country before, it’s something that you haven’t done. Every time that you step out into the worldno matter where you are or what country or what trip or anything,  it’s always in your experience because thisworld that we are living is for ever changing and shifting. I am sure that you can imagine wanting to go to a place or doing something but you don’t have the confidence in yourself. You don’t feel like you can do it because you have never done it. You don’t have any memories to convince yourself that you can do it or to back up any belief that you have. So the default that we go to is going to be our self doubt. It’s automatically going to be the part of us that tells us that we can’t do it, that it’s not possible, that it’s not something that we are capable of. That’s going to be ear popping again. Like I mentioned before is to keep us safe, to keep us where we are and to keep us from moving forward because the unknown, you will think it’s a scary place. I mean sometimes it can be a scary place but it’s just a place you are not familiar with, it’s just a place you have never been so why automatically label it as something scary. So when you can identify something that you want in your life whether it is in terms of traveling or career or anything, right, so you can see where you are and you can imagine where you want to be. I am going to keep on using the example of traveling, I don’t know if you are afraid to leave the country for the first time or if you are hesitating about taking a solo backpacking trip or if you are maybe a little reserved about I don’t know, quitting your job and maybe trying to work the garage for six months.  Whatever it may be, there is something that you want and you can see it and you know it exist in this world but there is also that divide, there is a disconnect between where you are right now and who you are and the life that you envisioned or something that you want or something that you want to do or want to possess. 

The disconnect between where you are and where you want to be is self doubt. It’s like you can see the life that you want, you can see what you want to do, you can see what you want to have and for some reasons you believe that who you are is not capable of it. I can look at myself exactly where I am right now and I can also imagine where I want to be and I can identify what I want but there is a gap between who I am and what I want and where I want to go and for some reason I don’t believe that the person I am is capable of having the things that I want. I don’t believe that, not only can I get the life that I want, can I even sustain it. It’s almost as though there is a vibration ofdifference between who I amright now and the person who is capable of leaving that life. I’m sure I am not the only one who thinks this. I am sure we can imagine or we can think of someone who is leavingor doing whateversomething that we want and we look at themas if they possess a different quality or they possess somethingcompletely different or anything that we don’t have and I let myself be controlled by it way too often . I am constantly living in the state of anxiety; I am constantly living in the state of fear. Yes I know I am traveling andam doing this podcast but it doesn’t mean that it’s easy for meand I think what’s going to be important here is being able to decide between what you truly and actually wan,t and the lies in your head that are telling you that you can’t have it. That’s difficult. I get very confused sometime too. I tend to believe my thoughts, crazy right?  But it actually is because some of the thoughts that I think are a little bit crazy and if am going to fill my head with thoughts like I can’t do it, I am not good enough, someone else can do it way even better so why even botheror anything. So yes you are going to have to decide between what is something you don’t have to believe and then also between what you honestly believe it’s true. So here again it’s going to be the mind which is going to convince youotherwise and your intuition which is going to know exactly what you want and what you are capable of.  Unfortunately, sometimes you wouldn’t even know the difference. It’s by actually doing the things that you want. So for example, I know I have talked about this before but it’s a good example of some serious self doubts. So I knew that I really and honestly wanted to go to South America, I was going to buy my tickets.  But the whole time leading up to me actually departing from the trip, I was so scared. I was doubting myself, I was doubting my ability to actually be able to survive, to actually backpack by myself. I didn’t believe that I could do it and looking back of course I can do it, I did do it and I think I did it successfully as well.  

Those self doubts are going to live inside your head I mean if you want to self doubt and you want to go swimming in yourself doubt, just buy a one way ticket to anywhere and that will make you question everything you think you knew. Sometimes you have to get through whatever you doubt in order to see that the things in your head weren’t true. I think that you can point and be like am I actually capable of doing this, am I actually capable of this life that I want, this trip that I want to take, thiswhatever it is, can I actually do it and I think by doing that, itwill lead to the question do I actuallydeserve this. Am I the kind of person that can have this, am I the person that is worthy of it? I think that is the part of ourselves that we are questioning because yes what you want is possible but for some reason it is as though the mind is saying - Oh yes, its definitely possible the other people could have it but there is something about you that is incapable. There is something about you that is unworthy, there is something about you that doesn’t deserve what they want and when you dig a little bit deeper, you are really going to have to ask yourself why don’t I think that I am worthy? What about me? I s it able to express myself freely on this planet and to live the life that I want to live. That feeling of unworthiness is definitely going to be rooted in some kind of comparison where I don’t think that I am good enough, I don’t think that I have what it takes because I think that there is someone else out there who can do it better and who ultimately is better so therefore why should I even bother trying. 

I still live in a state of self doubt. I still don’t know if I am even capable of what I am doing right now. Yes, I have been traveling now for four months, I am in Las Palmas, Spain and everythingis going well. I am on week eighteen; I am on episode eighteen on the podcast and doing my job. I am balancing work and traveling and I am here, I have a place to stay. I have been doing it and for some reasons there is still a part of me that doubts myself. There is still a part of me that fear that in any second it’s all going to come crumbling down and there is no one else’s fault but my own. So even if I am doing what I want, there is still that doubt that lives inside of me and I know that even after this whole thing is over and I look back on my life and I am yea I did it, there is still part of me that is going to doubt if I actually did it well enough.  There is going to be part of me that questions my ability to do it even before I do it, doing it and after. if you can see that no matter what state you are in or what phase you are in, ifthat self doubtleaves, it has nothing to do with what you are actually doing, it has nothing to do with the outside world. It is completely rooted within yourself and it is yourself that is stopping you from moving forward. Self doubt, it may always be there. It may not, again, I don’t know because I have only experienced it. I have never experienced my head without self doubts. I can’t say if it goes away or not but assuming that it doesn’t. Assuming that we are going to be living the life or living in this minds for the rest of our lives, it’s going to mean that we are going to learn how to deal with our self doubts. We are going to have to learn how to live and thrive and get what we want out of life even though it exists. It’s going to be there and we are going to accept it yet be able to move on from it because if thatself doubt is going to be an underlining constant that we carry along with us, we are going to have to learn how to freaking deal with it. I am not saying that I know how to deal with my self doubt but I am saying at this point I am questioning why is it even there and where it’s coming from and how I can move on knowing that it exist and it’s difficult. 

Like I said even before I begin recording, I am always super anxious and I know for a fact that is myself doubt in my ability even before the podcast begin, because again I don’t feel like I have anything to say and I know it in my mind that is a self doubt trying to keep me from doing what I want and yet I keep on coming back on every episode and recording because I know what I want is more than what I am choosing to believe that I can have. I am just hoping for the day when I can do this and not feeling anxious, I know it’s going to come, I just got to keep on and keep it on. I guess the question I want to ask is why we more are willing to believe the doubts that are inside of our heads than we are to actually to question its accuracy or its validity. Why is it that we tend to just accept and pretty much give over power to the thoughts in our head than to actually question if they are true. I don’t know, I feel as though in a way that we are brainwashing ourselves to believe thoughts that we don’t even want to believe because we repeat them over and over and over again.  

Sometimes what I think I do, is that I use my self doubt to kind of as a way to keep me from moving forward simply because it is easier for me to believe what I am thinking than it is for me to actually prove myself wrong and take the steps that I need to take in order to do so.  I think that when we live inside that place of self doubt, we are giving away the power that we could possibly have. We are giving away the ability for us to actually do the things that we know that we can do and trust me self doubt is a freaking rabbit hole and it pops up a lot. It pops up in every single aspect of our lives. I know a lot of artists struggling with self doubts as well. I know it takes a lot of love for somebody to create something and let themselves actually fully let go and expose the parts of themselves that they know exist and let someone else see it that is a very very scary thing.  It could also be say quitting a joband then having to tell someone about it or having to admit something thatyou are going to do because in a way it’s like lookingat somebody in the face and telling them that you areprettymuchgoing to let them down andwhen those things happen and you are pretty much doing what you want basically but what you are doing is going to have to disappoint somebody, that’s when the only thing that wehave to go back on and really stand on is our own self confidence that we are making the right decision and living in self doubt can pretty much destroy that. 

It’s going to make you question what you are doing and its going to make you question if you are doing the right thing and I think it comes down to making a decision if you are going to let the thought control you or if you are going to really going to try to sink in to who you are and what you want and have confidence in it. So I know self doubt lives inside a lot of people when it comes to traveling because I think you canimagine where you want to go and where you want to be butyou don’tnecessarily believe that you are the kind of person that can do it. You are the kind of person that can have what they want or even you are the kind of personthat is physically capable or you are the kind of person that possess the characteristicsto travel where you want to go or to leave that part of your life behind or whatever the reason. But what I want to say is that, yes, even though I am traveling here right now and I am abroad, that self doubt doesn’t go away because I am sitting here looking back on the life that that I use to have and the stuff that I gave up and I am over here questioning whether or not I am doing the right thing. I am sitting here questioning should I go back to the states, should I go back to what I had and start building another life somewhere else that is more stable. Because yes, I am traveling butthere is also that fear of if I am doing the right thing. Looking back there is parts of me that want what people back home have. Part of me wants that stability, part of me wants to have to have that weekly routine of going to the gym and meal prepping and doing all that and part of me also want to have apartment overlooking a Seattle sky land if you want to get specific. So sitting here, self doubts are starting to creep up. I am aware I am supposed to be. Yes I am traveling, but parts of me feels like maybe I am wasting time,  maybe I should be getting my career reset, working on different things or doing something more different fromwhat I am currently doing.  I want to say that no matter where you are, no matter what you are doing, that self doubt is going to be there.  

You are going to have to not just identify it but be able to live past it because it’s going to follow you around. It’s not going to go away honestly until you do something about it. It’s going to control you if you keep on letting it and like I said before I feel like a part of me still lets self doubt control me because I still feel like I am using it as a way to prevent myself from moving forward and I don’t know what the hell am doing, I still question everything. I am not exactly sure if this is normal, if it’s just a normal part of life or if it’s somethingdeeper that is going on inside of me that I am giving in to and let it live. 

I guess I wanted to just talk about this because I feel like it’s something that we all go through. Here I am just blabbing on about self doubt and I am doing it because I am just letting you guys know that I live in that place too sometimes and I guess we are all at the end of the day fighting the same battle. Well recently mine has been overcoming myself doubt and I feel like more recently it’s becoming crippling and   I am really trying to not let it stop me from doing what I want and I think the best way to kind of hopefully move past that is by talking about it and that is exactly what I am doing and it’s a scary place. It definitely a scary place to livebut I think unfortunately feelingthose feelings of unworthiness like you are not enough and you can’t have what have what you want, I think by only feeling thosecan you reallyunderstand what it feels like to not feel them and then fromthere you can decide where you want to live andI feel like I felt those feelings enough that I am wantingso desperately to move past them and I thinthat by even just making that choice to want to move past whatever feelings you are tired ofhaving isgoing to help you to take the steps in doing so and even just talking about it right now, I feel way betterabout myself. 

Thank you guys for listening. Anyways, I still question if I have anything to say right now. I don’t even know what I am talking about, I am not giving myself the credit and this is me doubting myself and yes I am just throwing my fucking insecurities and everything on the table because that is what I am here for people. I am here to let you know how fucked up I am and hopefully that will make youfeel better about yourselves and see yourselves for who you are. I don’t know, I am just spillingmy guts out every timeand it’s a little scary, I know, but I am doing it. If I can do this, you can do it too. Okay am just blabbering on. I feel like I have definitely talked enough about this topic for today. I what to say thank you to everyone that listens to the podcast, I really appreciate it. I will be back next week with a new episode. Again thank you, thank you and much gratitude to everyone that listens. If you want to check out my website you can do so. It is www.artoftheunknownpodcast.com let me know if you have any questions, any ideas about anything, if you want to get philosophical, you can always email me and yes thank you again for listening. I will be back next week.

Episode 18: Spiritual Awakenings and Such - Transcript

You’re listening to Art of the Unknown, the podcast about traveling inwards, outwards and onwards. 

    Hey guys and welcome back to the show. You’re listening to episode number 18 and I am your, host Sarah Kreuz. In this episode, the question that I want to answer: is what is spiritual awakening?  This is the question that I think I am ready to talk about and I am ready to release out into the world. I am asking this question not because I have the answeror because I fully and completely understand it, but I am asking this question because I feel like in a way am still learningwhat it is and still really trying to understand it and Ithink even just asking the question, what is a spiritual awakening is a way for me and hopefully you as well to understand what exactly is this shift. What exactly is happening to us? Whats happening but also why is it happening and also what does it mean. 

    So I have heard the term of spiritual awakening a lot and Inever really quite understood what this term meant.  I never even consider that it may even applyto me. But over the last few weeks, it’s becoming very clear that I can confidently say that based on what I have been experiencing and what I have researched about the topic is that I am going through a spiritual awakening. Its going to be hard to explain because we are dealing with the metaphysical here but I am going to try to do it the best way I can. I think that hopefully by answering thisquestion and kind of contemplating what it actually is, what it actually means, maybe someone out there can relate because I know that I am not alone in this and I know that other peopleare going through itand maybe they don’t even realize that they are going through it. I didn’t realize that I was going through it until recently andthen the more I researched, the more I understood what was actually happening, the more I looked back on my life and I was like this is making complete sense. 

    So what is a spiritual awakening? From my research and from my understanding, the best way that I can kind of explain this is that it is a shift in your perception of reality. It’s changing the way that you see the world, and you see your place in it on a mental- physical level.  In a way, you are getting a rid of all of the beliefs and all of the ways that you identify yourself with this physical world that in some ways have been placed on you.  Simply from just living here and just experiencing the world as it is. It is expanding your perception of reality and expanding your consciousness to include everything that is built inside of you and outside of you.  Okay that sounds fun and dandy but what exactly does that mean?  What exactly does it mean to expand your consciousness, to include pretty much everything in existence and everything in reality?   So the way that I see it, everything is metaphysical, reality is metaphysical. The way that I see it is that everything, and I mean everything, is made up of energy. So if everything is energy, that means it’s all made up of wave lengths, it’s all made up of vibrations. It’s basically made up of everything that is in exactly tangible andI haven’t studied quantum physics, but from what I have researched and looked into, there is definitely proof to back up what I am saying that everything is energy, everything is vibration and so on.  But I think by saying that, it asks the bigger question, if we are existing in this body, where is that division. I can imagine like one long wave of energy and we are all part of that energy, where does the division between who we are and who someone else is, where does that division lie in that wavelength. When I talked about expanding our consciousness to include everyone else outside of us, I think that is realizing that we are all part of the same wave length, we are all part of the same field of energy. So a good analogy is that we are all a little baby drops of water in the ocean and we are also part of the ocean. There is no distinction between a drop of water and the ocean. It’s the same thing, I feel like that is us in this reality. We are in this body, it appears as though we are separate from everyone else but if you go look deeper and go beyond the physical, you can see that we are actually all connected on energetic level which is why people say we are one. 

    I think part of this thing called a spiritual awakening is to not just understand that concept but to actually feel it. To actually know and realize that we are all connected on energetic level and whatever we do to ourselves we are actually doing to other people, whatever thought we put out into the world is affecting everybody and not just us. I think when you go through that shift ofjust purely focusing on yourself to moving awareness on yourself to other people,  that is when the spiritual shift is really starting to occurand that’s when it can be a little bit painful because that’s when you start removing the ego. Oh yes, I just dropped the ego bomb… so let’s talk about the ego for a second.  When I am talking about the spiritual awakening, the main concept is moving from the awareness of purely yourself to the awareness of everything being one, okay I get that. But in other to do that, that is where the ego comes into play and I really think that when we are moving from including our awareness and our consciousness from everyone to everything, that can only be done by shutting the ego, by letting go of the parts that you purely identify with as your own.  I don’t fully understand what the ego is, again I am trying to understand all there concepts, but I know and I can feel that the ego is there, and it’s the part of me that is preventing me from moving forward. 

    I think that when you are going through a spiritual awakening or you are shifting your perception of reality, the thing that is coming off from you or the thing that is getting rid of you in other not to do that is your ego. You have to shield the skin that is on you in order to move into a higher state of being a higher state of consciousness and a higher vibration overhaul. When that ego starts to shield, I think that is the painful part of going through a spiritual awakening because that is the part of you that wants to so desperately hold on to its existence and hold on to life. When it starts to deteriorate, it’s not going to do so without a fight, it’s not going to go down easily, it’s going to struggle to survive and I can definitely see that happening or has happened in my experiences over the past few months. The ego needs to dissolve and it needs to disappear in order for us to Ithink fully,  completely and clearly see who we really actually are beneath all of the bullshit, beneath all of the social conditioning and beneath all of that to actually be able to see and feel who we are on a spiritual level. It needs a disappear because that is how we begin moving from appearing and just identifying with ourselves and purely identifying with who we think we are and our place here and moving that beyond ourselves and doing that to include everything and everyone in this reality.  

    So shedding this ego and really seeing this your attachment to identity is going to be a bit of a difficult process because ego wants to hold on. Your ego wants to live; your ego wants to exist. But there’s   something inside I think of all of us that it’s beyond that, that is beyond purely identifying with this world, and we know this.  Shielding your ego means you are going to be Shielding the part of yourself thatare no longer in alignment withwho you are and when those part ofyou start to shield off its because they are ready to be released.  This has happened to me, this is happening to me and it’s a weird experience when you can actually look back and see it happening.  So for example I talked about this a little bit in episode number six and I talked about the fact that I was moving from a vegetarian diet to eating fish and I definitely talked about how it felt as if I was losing part of my identity because I had been a vegetarian for so long and looking back on that episode, I can see that was my episode talking.  

    That was my ego struggling to survive. The fact that I felt that I was having a mood dilemma and having internal struggle and battle was because it was my ego trying to leave versus the thing that I knew deep down that I needed todo and I think that definitely kind of sums up the experience of whatit can feel like to have your ego shuttingoff from you and again it was a little bit painful internally but again it had to happen because Letting go part of your identity are not easy and it’s not going to happen overnight but I think that once you are ready to start moving forward and start vibrating higher, you canhold on to those parts of you. They can’t exist if you want to awaken spiritually and move forward and grow; there are parts of you that are going to have to die. There are parts of you that you are going to have to leave behind and I am not just talking about things in the external world but I am also talking about those things inside of you that you hold on. I mean it could be for various reasons because you are used to it, it’s become a habit, you hold on to these things because it’s a sense of security. It can be for whatever reasons, but you hold on to these things, when you start to move forward and grow, it becomes very clear that these things cannot co exist. You can’t move forward while still holding on to the parts of you that needs to be let go. Episode #6 was a good example of me moving forward while struggling internally to do so.  SoI think that aspiritual awakening really comes down to moving from a state of I don’t want to say a lower vibration but I want to say a state that isn’t love to love. Its moving towards love and towards realizing that we are all energetically connected. In order to do so we are going to need to release the parts of ourselves that don’t think that, that don’t align with that, that don’t actually believe that and that’s going to be the ego

    Shifting your perception from believing certain things to understanding and really seeing things the way that they are is going to take a toll. It’s going to take work and its going to be gradual but for some people it’s more rapid. I don’t know if you want to compare the time, but it’s relative anyway. Either way its going to take movement, it’s going to take where you are to where we are going and within that movement, whatever you want to call it, that is where the spiritual awakening is going to take place

    I want to go over a few things that I kind of have gathered on what if feels like and what exactly it means to awaken spiritually on a practical level, so spiritual awakening means change. Change is happening, change is occurring, change needs to come and spiritual change is a thing too. When you are really starting to shift and change the way that you see the world and yourself, that means that you are going to want to change the things outside of you as well. It means that you are going to start your basically desired change and its going to come and you are not exactly going to understand all these. For me, I don’t really understand why but looking back, it all makes sense.          When you really start to change internally, that is where it has to begin. Everything has to occur first within you before it can be manifested or seen in the outside world. It’s not the opposite. You can’t change the outside world and expect the inside world to change.  You need to change the inside world first. I want to say the six months or so before I left on this trip and before Ileft for yelpand moved out of Portland, I was so desperately desiring change. I wanted change and I needed change. Change had to happen. I wasn’t exactly sure why, but looking back I understand that everything was just changing so quickly and so fast and I felt like I really needed to make amove in my life which is why of course I bought a one way ticket here. again what I am doing isn’tnecessarily for everybody but of coursefor me sometimes when I need change, I just need to get the hell out of wherever I am. I just need a change of my surroundings; I need everything around me to be different because inside of me it feels like everything was different.  Part of this desire for change I think includes the need to have more freedom and that can definitely be a sign of you shifting spiritually is because you start to see things for what they really are, you start to see people for the negative energy that they bring into your life. You start to see how we are so brainwashed by our government and institutions. You can also start to see how you are constricting your own freedom. It could be about the way that you think, it could be about the habits that you have, it could be anything and I think once you start to see things for what they actually truly are, that’s when you start to release them or move past them because you can see them constricting and really jeopardizing your ultimate freedom.  

    Again I am not just talking about physical freedom; I am also talking about mental freedom and spiritual freedom. When you see things that are holding you back, I feel like how to have the spiritual awakening process is to naturally want to movebeyond and its not to want to be held down byanything including yourself and your ego because that willhold you down and that will hold you back from moving forward.  Another sign that things are changing and shifting and you are awakening spiritually is because you feel it. You feel that things are happening, you feel that something is changing and you know what that is because it is and before I left for this trip and again this was a very intense period of change for me and I don’t know what the hell was going on. It was filled with really high highs and also low lows.  There were points. It still happens. Like right now I feel like I am high. There were points where I feel like everything is exactly how it should be. I feel like I am doing what I need to do. I feel like in a way I have found purpose. I feel like I am on the right track and I can do anything and there is no stopping me both physically, mentally, spiritually and whatever.  Yes right that wave, when you are on that wave, that is for a reason and you are moving forward and there is a reason for it and you can feel it and you know it.

     But there are also times when you are on the flip side of the coin and for me it was feelings like I was going crazy. I literally thought that I was going crazy. Feeling lost, feeling completely out of control of myself, of my life, of my surroundings and everything. Having absolutely no control of anything.  These highs and these lows are going to come and they are going to happen and what happened with me is that they happened in such a short span of time that it was high low, high low, and high low.  ThatI didn’t know and I will say what the hell was going on and everything seem as though it was happeningso fast and when I say if you feel something inside of you is actually changing and that you feel like you are almost a new person or there are just things happening that you are not exactly familiar with, that again is a sign. You feel that things are changing because they are changing. I think that you alone are the one that is going to be able to recognize that and identify that. So again if you feel like the shift is happening inside of you it’s because it’s probably is. The intensity or the amount of time it’s happening in is going to be completely different for different people but just know it that if something is happening or when something is changing - it is a sing. So when these things are changing and these things are happening inside of you it means that the things around you are going to have to change as well because you cannot go through such drastic and internal changes and expect nothing around you to change as well because again the outside world is a reflection of our inner states and these changes can be anything. They can be people in your lives, they can be wanting to release yourself of the job that you have been holding on to, it could be anything. It could be whatever but just wanting to get rid of a something that is holding you back and not truly what you want. It could be wanting to get rid of all your physical possessions because you see that they are holding you down, you see that they are holding you back. Or they are limiting your freedom and when you start to open up that freedom within you, you are going to have to release things around you that are not in alignment with that. 

    I will say a sign of awakening spiritually that I have noticed is that I am starting to become very sensitive to basically my five senses.  For example when I arrived in Istanbul, everything just seemed so squeaky, oh my Gosh.  It was a squeaky city itself but I think that whatever was happening, I don’t even know how to explain it but I was becoming really sensitive to sounds. So every time I would hear a high pitch squeak, it would literally cause me pain in my body, it would hurt me, it would cause me pain and I was like what was happening and again Istanbul is a squeaky city so things are surrounded my squeak and hearing them all the time and feeling them. At some point I was like I can’t even go outside right now because it’s so freaking squeaky. That’s just one example of becoming more sensitive to the things around you. It’s because again if you are awakening spiritually and you are vibrating higher, you are becoming more aware of yourself and the world and also how those two interact and your five senses are definitely aware that you interact with the world that’s how you gather information. It makes sense that the things you are gathering will be intensified once you become aware of yourself and the world and that’s just going to be a byproduct of it. 

    Another sensitivity that I have been realizing is another sensitivity to food which is why I am, it makes me so sad to say this, cutting out cheese and cutting out gluten because I can feel the physical reactions in my body and it’s just not good for me and just becoming aware of the self again is going to be a sign of becoming aware spiritually and not just the physical self but also the emotional self and the mental self.  

    So feeling emotions, they may become more intense. They may become more apparent or you may even be feeling emotions that you didn’t even know you had. Yes you want to go there, we can go there.  That’s just what’s been happening to me. I have been feeling things will come up from the past that I thought were dead and gone, I definitely talked about this in few episodes ago about moving forward from the past and past pain is because these things, although they are not in my conscious state, they have been coming up and I know that the only way for me to deal with them is to actually confront them and then understand them and then move forward. So yes you are going to start feeling things that you thought were dead and gone and again until you acknowledge them and until you are ready to confront them, they are going to be there. I think that’s just proof that until we actually work out something within ourselves it’s going to stay there and we can’t ignore it. It’s there. It’s going to keep on popping up. 

    So becoming more aware more of the physical, becoming more aware of your emotional states but also the mental parts of you too.  For example my thoughts, I am becoming more aware of my thoughts and I think that is because I am becoming more aware of everything in general and I have been noticing that there are definitely habits that I have mentally that I don’t like and now that I realize them and now that I see them, I am really trying to change them.  For example, I have been realizing every time that something happens for exampleI don’t like or I see something or I think something, my first initial response is that I hate that and I think using the word hate in my mind is not what I want to doand I definitely do not want that to be part of my internal dialogue and I have been becoming aware of it like I will be thinkingsomethingand then when the word hate comes up I will just realize that I have thought it and by realizing that I am thinking these things, its making me really wonder how long has these habits been in my mind, how long have I been repeating these thoughts that I wasn’t even aware of and that I don’t like and that I don’t want. So I think that is a really important example because it’s just showing you that there are things that are happening inside of you and all around that you are not aware of that are affecting you. Again awareness is key. 

    When you start to awaken and move into the universal awareness, you are going to see things that have probably existed inside of you for a while but you just never knew about it. So increasing your awareness of yourself and basically everything around you is basically going to be happening. I am finding that with my increased awareness of myself it’s been making me want to just be a better person and be nicer to the people which is hard obviously and I think that just becoming aware of the way that you exist, in a way that you treat people, in a way that you are is part of that shift because it can go deeper than that too. I think analyzing what you do and why you do it, you can go beyond the external reasons and go a little bit deeper. For example like I just said if somebody is rude to me I will automatically want to be rude back to them. I think if you look a little deeper than that, it’s in a way myself, I guess my ego trying to protect myself from feeling as though I am somehow unworthy because someone was rude to me and in order to calm back that feeling of unworthiness, my ego wants to like kind of defend it and fight back in other to keep that vulnerable state from being exposed. I think when we become aware of exactly why we are doing things, that’s when the shift can ultimately start to play out in the practical world.  

    So if you want to sum up my experience with the spiritual awakening overall, I would say that it feels as though things are changing inside of me at a very rapid pace. It feels as though I am becoming aware of myself very rapidly and it feels as though things are starting to make sense. I am not exactly sure if I completely answered the question on what is a spiritual awakening, but over all its basically going to be a bunch of experiences that are calling for you to change because you aren’t changing and ultimately what it’s been feeling like in the past few months is that I am seeing a part of myself that I need to change, I want to change, that are going to change and I am also seeing a part of myself that I want to release. Again it’s not easy, I will say that if I can push this out properly, I would say like 15 to 20 percent of what I am going through, what is happening right now is good and happy and then rock on and then the other around 80 percent, it feels as though like I said before, a little bit out of control, a little bit emotionally painful. It feels as though I am being stripped of everything that I thought I know and really just questioning who I am and what the hell am I doing here.         But I think what it really comes down to is moving forward and leaving everything behind you that you do not want to take with you and slowly releasing those parts of yourself. It’s going to take time and its going to take a whole lot of work actually but you know what, it has to happen and it’s happening and I am ok with it and I hope that something whatever I said made sense. I hope that even the whole episode made sense. Again I am not entirely sure if it did or not but I think it’s besides the point isn’t it. 

    Okay I think that pretty much wraps up this week episode. I want to again say thank you again to everyone that listened to this podcast. I really truly appreciate it and if you want to check out my website you can do so. The address is www.artoftheunknownpodcast.com. I have been updating with blog post and some pictures and all that good stuff. If you want you can always reach out to me via instagram, via email, whatever you are feeling. I hope that you enjoyed this episode and I hope that you are enjoying your spiritual journey or your spiritual quest, wherever that may bring you. And I hope you enjoy the ride and go with the flow. I am out!

Episode 17: Searching Somewhere for Happiness - Transcript


You’re listening to Art of the Unknown, the podcast about traveling inward, outwards, and onwards.

Hey guys and welcome back to the podcast! You are listening to episode #17 and I am your host Sarah Kreuz. In today’s episode, I want to talk about the topic of happiness. I want to talk about what it looks like, why and how we kind of place happiness in a box. And why it still feels like it’s something that I am constantly searching for.

So before I dive into that horrible complicated and never ending topic, I want to first give you an update as to where I am and why that topic kind of came to be. So right now I am in the Canary Islands, they are a channel of Spanish Islands off the Northwest coast of Africa. I am currently staying in Los Palmas de Gran Canaria which is the capital city of the island Grand Canaria, and it’s funny because again I was not expecting to come any island on my trip honestly. When leaving for Europe during the winter, island hopping was not on my itinerary for obvious reasons but I am here so far so good. I kind of want to talk about why this came to be. Like the title of the podcast suggests, this is about me stepping into the unknown completely and kind of just going with the follow of the universe and what I thought was my initial plan was to spend some time in Croatia and you know what.

Life kind of happened. And not just life, but actually snow happened. That was also not on my to do list to deal with any snow but I decided that I kind of needed to not be in that environment because I am not prepared for the winter at all. So I knew I was going to head to Spain to visit a friend and for some reason Las Palmas de Gran Canaria just kept popping up in my mind, popping up in my mind.It just kept popping up places. It just kept on in my mind calling me towards it and you know how I do I had to go towards it, so I am here I am here for a few days now and its nice it is a little island, it is actually bigger than I thought it would be and I plan on being here for at least 2 months so I am really trying to give this place a shot.

The past few months I have been traveling, I have been either staying with a friend or traveling with friends with the exception of Israel which I went to by myself. I just knew that I needed time to be alone to do a kind of refocus and to purely just give myself that space to kind of re-evaluate what I am doing and more importantly why I am doing it.

So coming to the Canary Islands wasn’t something that I was just looking forward to because of the environment but because I really know that I need time to be alone and time to just gather my thoughts and focus just 100% on me because it feels like the past few months I’ve just been, I feel like I have given up too much energy not to other people necessarily, but just to the universe and I feel like now I need to focus that energy and attention inwards and kind of re-evaluate and kind of refocus myself and really ask the question of what do I really and truly want and this is why the topic of happiness is coming up for me this week because okay I do this all the time.

I point to outside circumstances. I point to people and I point specifically to my environment as to why I am unhappy and in my mind I really convince myself that if I were to change one of those factors or in my case all of them it would change my internal state and therefore make me happy. Although I am aware of this fact, I keep on doing it and for me coming, not necessarily to Los Palmas, but coming to a location where I can just be by myself and be alone and you know contemplate life and just focus 100% on myself. No matter where in Europe I was going to be, I knew it was going to happen but in my mind I convenience myself that once I get to that location I am going to be happy like I am going to do it. It’s going to happen and which is why I placed a little bit of pressure on coming to the Canary Islands and being alone is because I was almost thinking on the fact that once I have that space then I can fill it with happiness.

And I know that, that is not the way it works and that’s not the way that it is ever going to work and its ever worked in the past and I keep moving in search of some kind of happiness or some kind of fulfillment and then once I get there it is not there.It is because it is not found in a location and I know that yet, I keep on convincing myself that it is and even though I am aware of this fact I’ve been really trying to understand and really dissect the reasons why I do this and why I it keeps on coming up and why this.

The need to keep on moving is a reoccurring theme in my life, and yes I love to travel and yes I love to experience new things and learn through travel I get that but there is also a part of me that is hoping and placing my happiness on my external surroundings for me leaving and changing my environment completely. I keep on convincing myself that that is going to make me happy and I still do it a little just a little bit I’ve gotten better, but I just kind of wondering why I still fall into that trap and I know that I am not the only person that does this, we all look to the outside world and we all place the blame on something that is outside of us.

I do this, my friends do it, my family definitely does it and I am sure most of us in this world probably do it. I know the reason that I do it is because for me it is way easier to place the blame on something that is outside of myself than it is to fully and completely confront myself and the reasons why I feel that way and I think I do that because it is way easier for me to pace the blame on something other than myself and by pointing to say my living environment or person or any part of my life. I think it is easier to put the blame on something that is one visible but also something that you know can change but the reason that it is not changing or the reason that it hasn’t changed is an argument that you use to justify the unhappiness that you feel.

So coming to the Canary Islands is really making me look myself in the eyes and look at myself and really kind of question why I am still unhappy. Why I think that something outside of me is going to make me happy and I am really trying to question why that link between my internal world and external world, why that still exist but also what parts of me am I using to contribute to that link and why I am distracting myself from fully going inside and figuring out the problem as opposed to pointing to everything that is outside of me and trying to fix that and I know part of the reason why I am not necessarily you know doing some hard core construction work on what brings me happiness and what happiness actually means is because honestly it is easier not to. 

It is way easier for me to distract myself than it is to confront myself. I would much rather place my attention on things that I have or I should say I would rather place my attention on things that I have perceived control over that I can visibly and tangible change in my life than for me to like actually deep within myself and ask myself difficult questions that I don’t want to know the answer to. That I am probably scared of seeing and probably a little afraid of acknowledging so it is far easier for me to distract myself with things of this earth and things that are outside of me than to confront myself and it is way easier to place the blame on those things than it is to fix myself and I feel like that is a bit obvious but it is something I am realizing that I am doing ant that’s where I currently stand.

I currently trying or I am still currently trying to convince myself as to why I am unhappy and I can see my ego doing that and I can see it happening but for some reason I just can’t believe it. I want to believe it, I want to be able to very clearly define the things in my life that are causing me pain and I really want to believe that they are outside of me and that they can change and once they change I will change and I want to believe that. But I feel like now there is a deeper part of me that just want put up with that bull shit, like it is almost as though the ego is lying to me and I know it is lying to me but for some reason I am just okay with it, I am like okay, that’s cool I want to believe you but deep down I don’t, but I think the important part is now that I am seeing the truth that is the lie and I think the next step for me would probably be obviously going a little deeper and really going pass the lies and trying to understand why I am actually truly unhappy but, also what happiness is and what it feels like and how I can obtain it and not just how I can obtain it but also why I am worthy of it and why I deserve it and why I can have it.

So coming to the Canary Islands the theme that has been popping up for me is no longer what is making me unhappy I feel like I am finally moving on from that and the question now is becoming what will make me happy or what exactly is happiness and how do I really truly move into that state of being without attaching it to any specific thing that is out side of me and that is outside of my control.

And one of the things that I realize while trying to transition into I want to say a higher vibration and a higher state of being overall is that I have been assuming that once you attain the things that you want then they will make you happy and I have made that mistake time and time again but, I am finally realizing that no matter how much I change or no matter how many things in my life that I give up or obtain they are not enough to have a real concrete effect on deepest internal states.

So since I have been on the Canary Islands I feel like one thing that I am really trying to do is really try to focus my attention and my energy on things that are specific. So like I said instead of focusing on the things that are or I think that are making me unhappy and instead of focusing on how I can change them, instead I want to place my energy and my intention on something more forward thinking and the fact that what exactly do I want is the question, not what do I want to change and what do I want to get rid off and what do I want to let go of, but more specifically what is it that I want.

Why am I wanting these things and why do I think these things are going to make me happy and I have been realizing that in a way I don’t necessarily know exactly what I want and I am finding that may be the reason why I am not 100% content, and I am finding that if I don’t know what I want specifically then there is no way in hell that I am going to get it and I think that understanding that part of yourself is really important because yeah you can have an idea what you want but unless it is 100% specific, you are just going to be surround things that are kind of similar or maybe a little bit off and you are not going to understand and why it is not making you happy.

For example, again I always placed my happiness, I have always correlated my happiness with my environment so when I say that I wasn’t happy in Portland I wanted to leave I 100% thought that just the fact of me leaving Portland was going to make me happy, but the thing is unless I was very specific on where I wanted to go and why then just going anywhere want going to solve the problem. And the thing with happiness is that at least for me usually I think I have a general idea of what I want and therefore that general idea of what’s going to make me happy is enough and that’s necessarily not the case and I am not talking about what I want necessarily physically I am also talking about what kind of emotional states I want to live in.

I am talking about what do I want for myself what do I want to feel and what kind of life and being and body do I want to kind of possess spiritually and I have lived most of my life up until recently not really understanding what I want. I mean we all say that we want to be happy but personally for me what does that happiness looks like what does happiness feels like.

Where exactly am I placing my values and I know that when I feel the best and when I feel like I am 100% myself and that I am literally vibrating on a higher level. I have identified a few feeling that I associate that with and one of them is freedom, I feel the most at home with myself when I am free. The feeling of being accomplished, the feeling of security, the feeling of being connected and I really thing that by identifying those things specifically then we can start to work backwards from there. So me an example it doesn’t have to be for traveling but when I feel free it is usually when I have the space and the time to be myself, so I’ve been really trying to commit to a daily meditation practice and I find that when I give myself that space and that time in the morning just to 1). Do what I want and to alleviate all pressures that I put on myself. Not just in terms of work or what I need to do but also I tend to put on a little bit of spiritual pressure too.

Meaning that I really try to like to become a better person and really try to understand myself and develop but then I find that it a lot of pressure but that doesn’t make any sense you can’t grow quicker than you are going to grow so why are you placing so much pressure on yourself.

Anyway I find that if I just really leave space in the morning for myself to do what I need to do and to do what I want to do then that brings up that feeling of freedom and then in those moments that’s when I feel happy and that’s just an example it could be anything for anybody but my point is that really truly identifying those things that you want are important because once you do then you can head in that direction and then you can also give up everything that is not in alignment with those feelings and I feel like in this life time it is really hard to identify what you truly and 100% want. Trust me I am nowhere near having that figured out, but what I have been realizing lately is that I need to know what I want and in order to get it and in order to feel it and for me there are a lot of aspects of my life that I have no idea what I want. 

For example I know that I want to start a business but I can’t even begin to pinpoint what that business would even look like what I am saying is if you don’t even know what you want you not going to get it, and its fine not knowing what you want this is 100% okay that’s where I am as well, but I find that if you don’t know what you want that means that you have to be okay with stepping out and stepping away from where you are and trying new things in order to test the waters and more importantly when you do that you have to be okay with the fact that you are going to try somethings and you know what a lot of them are going to be wrong.

A lot of them are not going to be what you want and you know what some of them are going to be painful experiences and that is just part of the whole of moving towards the path of really truly identifying who you are and what you want and, not what just brings you happiness but in what states do you strive in and I feel like if you can identify where thrive then you can move your life in that direction and it’s going to take some understanding of the self.

Because like I said you can rearrange your life accordingly with all of things that you think is going to bring you happiness and then you can fall short. So I think it is going to have, the roles are going to switch you are going to have identify the feelings that you want and go towards the feelings and then that’s when you start bringing everything else in your life that matched those feelings. It is not focusing on the external world first and then hoping that it is going to bring you happiness it is really trying to identify where in yourself you find that happiness and then rearranging your life accordingly. Because when people say they want to be happy I am assuming that they felt happy before.

I know I have and sometimes the feeling is long lasting and then also and then sometimes it is a bit fleeting, but I know that it is there I know that it exist and I know that I can live in that state of being. I am not saying that we will be happy 100% of the time and I am absolutely not but what I am sure about is that I can live in a state that is definitely more enjoyable than the internal state that I am living in right now.

In order to move into that state of being I am done blaming my circumstances, I am don’t blaming the way I look I am doe blaming pretty much anything that is inside of me and I really feel like I am moving into that place where I can take responsibility for my happiness and really take responsibility and move towards the person that I want to be and I know that this is not something that is going to be done over night it is going to take time it is going to take a lot of patience and I also know it is going to take a lot of experimenting and making mistake but I think welcoming every single partof the process is only going to move you into the direction that you are going to go and I am saying this well of course I am traveling but, the reason why I am traveling is that I am opening myself up to different experiences and different lives and meeting different people.

But I am also really, I am really trying not to put so much weight on the traveling but more internally and I feel like a lot of people do this, they confuse traveling with happiness and although I feel that traveling is very important for difference reasons and not just for feeling free or what not but, for intellectual reasons as well and I think that a lot of people confuse traveling with happiness.

You know what it is not a cure, there is no cure there is nothing that you are going to do that is going to fix whatever is inside of you, only by going inside can you fix it. Yes there is going to be experiences that you are going to have than can open you up to what does make you happy and what you truly want and you get a lot of experiences by traveling and not doing the same thing everyday which is probably why people do it but it is not the traveling itself that is going to make you happy.

I don’t know I feel like a lot of us are still searching for that place not just in the world but in ourselves that we feel 100% content and yeas I am still looking for it too, I haven’t found it, it comes and it goes it’s on and its off like whatever but, all I know is that I am not giving up.I know that I am not settling for anything less than what I want and what I deserve out of this life time and if I just have to keep either moving or something scarier stay still for a while in order to get to that place that I know exist inside of me then it is something that I have to do and I will be okay with it. I guess the key point that I want you to leave with is that when you are really trying to understand yourself and understand your happiness I really at least for me right now, the most important thing is identifying those feelings that you want first.

Identify the feeling that feels good to you and that you want to move towards and I think that once you identify those feelings no matter what they are no matter where you feel them or how they come about or whatever I think it is pin pointing that feeling and then holding on to it and then using that feeling as the goal and not anything external, not anyone external but purely using that feeling and then riding that feeling all the way to existence.

Meaning holding on to that feeling and identifying it an knowing what it is and then using that as your guide and then bringing on everything in your life going in every single direction that is in alignment with that feeling and if it is not then why bother even holding on to it, why even bother putting up with it. Let that shit go, okay, and I think what’s very important here again is identifying the various specific feeling and that you want because once you do then you don’t want to put up with anything less. Once you identify the thing that you want then you know exactly what you don’t want and then you can kick that shit to the curb, okay.

Okay I think that pretty much raps up this episode, again I want to say thank you for everyone that listens to this podcast. I really appreciate all of you and if you have any more questions and if you want to see any more pictures and anything you can head to my website and thank you again for listening and I will talk to you guys next week.


Released: January 20, 2017

Recorded: Las Palmas de Gran Canaria, Spain     


Episode 12: Creative Journeys - Transcript

You’re listening to Art of the Unknown, the podcast about traveling inwards, outwards and onwards. 

Hey guys and welcome to episode number twelve.  So one of the topics that has been on my mind lately is the topic of creativity. I have been really trying to not just understand what creativity means but also understand my own creative process and what it means to me and how I go about doing it. So obviously creativity is going to mean different things to different people, yes we get that.  But what I am trying to figure out here is what is that underlining that we need as a human being to be creative.  And I think really what it comes down to is that ultimately, that it is a mode of expression but I think it goes a little bit deeper than that. I think in a way it is taken whatever the fuck is inside of you that whole mess down there. It’staking that and putting it out into the world. It is literally I feel like reachingin you and grabbing all of the shit, grabbing all of the pain, grabbing all of the hurt, grabbing everything that is just a little fucked up about you right and just grabbing that and then puling it out of you.  

You know what- we are all little messed up, each and every single one of us.  We all know that, not a big deal. We are on the same boat here people but our scars and our pains and whatever the fuck is wrong with us is going to be a little bit different, it’s going to be a lot different actually than anyone else. So I think that that is where creativity becomes important and valuable because its taking that unique experience, that is you, that is your life that you have been living and maybe even the life that you have lived in the past whothe hell knows, its taking all of that and just putting it out into the universe. Taking whatever the hell is inside of you and putting it out into the world. It’s all going to look different because everythingthat brought us up into this point in our experiences, and our mindsets and our views are all going to be completely different.  Creativity and expression is going to be needed, it has to be done.  If you can’t fully take everything out of you that is there and expose it to the world or even expose it to yourself, it doesn’t have to be the world okay, it could be you and the drawing board and that is it. It never has to see the light of the day. It’s just you and whatever is coming out of you.  I feel like if you are not fully able to express yourself and let out everything that is inside of you, it’s going to sit inside of you, it’s going to slowlystart to deteriorate and cause a lot more pain and yes you know what sometimes it’s not going to feel comfortable letting it out, it’s notgoing to feel comfortable takingapart all of the pieces that are inside of you and putting them out there but it’s something that has to be done because if not it’s just going to cause more trouble than it actually was. When I think about creativity, I think about my own little creative journey, and it’s definitely been a struggle, it’s nothing that has come easy to be. I feel like I am still on the baby stages like I am still learning how to actually not just recognize the fact that I want to create things but how do I even go about doing it, how do I even begin to ultimately express what the hell is going on inside of me when I don’t even know what the hell is going on in there.  

So expression and creativity, those are needed but why are they, why even go down that part of wanting to express yourself. Like I said if not, then the things that are inside of you are going to not actually come out and they are going to cause you a lot more damage and problems and its going to be taking them out and when I think back about where I felt the most creative and the most inspired, definitely for me that is going to be travel which is kind of, sort of maybe a little bit of the reason why I left.  I know that being out there and seeing the world and having all of these new experiences, that is a source of inspiration and if I want to create, why not go towards the thing that I get the most inspiration from. It’s just kind of make sense. And before leaving, yes there was a few reservations I had about what’s going to happen, what am I going to do, but at the end of the day its more about trusting the fact that inspiration is going to come your way.  You don’t have to worry about it; you don’t have to obsess about it. If youare going to put yourself out there and just go forit and you are in the right spot, the thoughts and the ideas and the creativity is going to come to you and that’s kind of the reason why I wasn’t too afraid because I know that if I am at my best which is I feel like I am at my best when I am traveling and I am just going and I am being free, Ifeel like I can probably solve any problem I wanted to in regards to life or figuring shit out. Whatever people are afraid of that’s going to happen I feel like those problems can be solved. They are going to be solved the best when you are at your best, that just makes sense.  

So it’s not like you have to be afraid going towards the thingsthat gives you the most inspiration because you are going to get what you need when you get there and I feel like that is definitelytraveling. I know that I am not alone on this, there are so many people out there who find inspiration through traveling and for me it just makes sense. For me it just makes sense because when I have these new experiences and I see new places and I see different ways of doing things, I can literally feel my mind expanding. Sometimes I can literally feel my mind expanding and I am not saying thatjust because it’s in a way that I am, how do I explain it, it’s going to get really fucking weird. 

Okay, there is definitely those moments of traveling when I can feel inspiration just completely running through my body, it’s almost as though my body is vibrating on a differentlevel and it’s almost as though my energy is tingling in a way.  Atfirst it was kind of freaked me out I was like what the hell was happening and like is there something wrong with me,  should I go to the doctor but thenit’s started happening and then I connected the dots buts its always felt like a good thing. I never felt scared, I felt like oh shit I might potentially having a stroke. No, but it always felt right, it felt like I said a vibration tingling going throughout my whole entire body and it just felt almost as though,  this is really hard to explain. That is like the ultimate form of knowing that I am being inspired and that I amexactly where I need to be andits everything. 

Its myself, it’s the universe, it’sall becoming alignedand showing me a different route or a different part or a differentoption that I didn’t see before and when I finally see it it’s like like holy fucking shit, yes the answer is yes, the answer is always yes butI think that when you do find that source of inspiration, and you do find what you want to go towards, you do find something that make sense to you already that is the first step and usuallyin my opinion that is kind of the easiest step.  

What comes after well, now is knowing what you want to do but then it’s actually doing it and that is a whole different battle that you have to fight.  Holy hell, I am saying this because at least for me there is a barrier betweenor there is a disconnect between what is inside of me that wantsto come out and then what actually does come out and I feel likehaving to pull it out every singletime is almost painful. It hurts me mentally sometimes. Even when I record this podcast, it takes me like I have to mentally prepare myself, I am likeholy shit, I want to talk and yes sometimes it’s difficult getting it out and it’s going to be difficult. And I think for me the reason that, okay I think the reason is that it is really hard for me to express myself whether it is going to be in the form of acts or even expressing and saying how I feel about something or how I think or anything, basically anything that is inside of me and taking it outside of me and putting it out into the world, that is difficult for me okay I am going to get real now. My (Unheard word) is fucked.  I know this is a little bit close; it’s been close pretty much my whole life. This is nothing new, recently I have just been kind of not even recentlyokay depends, it’s allrelative really what is time, butI have just been thinking about why is it so blocked, what the hell is wrong with me,  I know thatit has to do with the fact that one, it’s difficult to express myself which is going to mean it is difficult to create anythingthat I want to create, but it goes deeper than thatand I really really think or I know what it has to deal with isthere is definitely a lack of self worth involved almost as though what Ifeel and what I think isn’t worthy of fully being expressed andthis is definitely something that I have been working on and trying to understand and its almost as though what I think in my mind, what I think and what I feel don’tnecessarily matter like why would they, there are so many people on this earth why am I special to feel like my soul deserves best in this world. 

And yes that is unfortunately not the best mindset to have and I am not saying this becausenot trying to get all sad about anything but I am really just sayingit because I think acknowledging it and understanding itthat has to be where I start and right now that is whereI am at. Yes its difficult because its downthere, what is inside of me it wants to come out, I can feel it, I can tell,  there is been definitelytimesin my life that I have been looking for that creative outletand I just can’t find it and it is sad and it is depressing sometimes.  I am not saying that I have it all figured out. I absolutely fucking don’t. I am probably the farthest one at this point I feel thathas anything figured out, I feel like I am a mess butthat’s how it has to be right now. So It’s that lack of feelings of what I want to put out there is worthy and I guess I am trying to understand where that feelings of unworthiness is coming from and I guess it has to do with t he fact that I felt like I have never had the proper space or the proper outlet or the proper platform to just let it out.  From what I can tell and remember, it’s been like that my whole entire life I am not trying to blame anything or anyone, I am just trying to understand it here. from what I can see is that unfortunately if you don’t deal with something,  it is just going to keep up being that way and I amin what, I am twenty six now, I guess it’s timeto like take responsibility for myself.  I guess right, It’s no fun.  So taking responsibility of not just myself , my outside world, how I function andall that, I can do that but taking responsibility for everything that is happeninginside of me like holy shit, I would rather not. I would rather not much put the blame on anything else becausethat’s me butunfortunately no, I got to take responsibility for thisone which is why I am trying to really sit and talk about it because doing so will help me just move on from it.  

So not feeling worthy is definitely going to impact one’s ability to express themselves.  It’s going to keep everything that you have inside of you and that’s not what needs to leave. It can’t leave there, it’s going to destroy you and then I think another issue, since this is my therapy session, let’s just talk about everything that is wrong with me. Let’s just lay it all out on the table because you know what, I already feel like a sacrificial lamb. I know this, I am so hard on myself and more recently it’s been driving me almost fucking crazy. It’s almost as thoughnothing I do is evergood enough for me which means thatit’s never going to beremotelyclose to good enough for somebody else.  I know that is not the mindset that I need to be in, no that is horrible, that is damaging, that is bad. It’s almost as though nothing I do is right.  It’s almostas though allI can see in myself and what Imake and what I produceand what I do and everything, all I can see is what is wrongwith it and yes that means I am really fucking critical about myself but I feel like my vision of the world is horribly screwed right now. I don’t even know how to begin healing that. How do I fucking get rid of that, I don’t even know at this point? It’s sad because whenever you try to makesomething, all I can see is what the hell is wrong with it,  whatI have to show somebody that, that’swhy I am evendoing n this podcast. 

So again okay there is a podcast it’s not just a way for me to help open that shocker a little bit but it’s also a way to just push myself but also to really understand. Because you can’t learn things about yourself unless it’s a new kind of circumstance or a new situation. You are not going to see how you react to something or anybody or in any situation. If it’s not a new situation. So that is why I am doing this whole podcast thing as a form of not just expression but personal exploration. Seeing what comes up, seeing what comes out, seeing what I do in this situation. And having fun in that and even just listening to the episodes, I am like holy shit,  that’s what I sound like, and then I really have to start, I amreally just starting to let go and be like okay, this is who I am, thisis how I talk, this is what I have to say,  this is how I think and I have to accept that and doing so and just letting it go and letting it out and just releasingthat to the world, it’s in a way teaching me a lot about being okay with not just the outcome but who I am because you are not trying to fit into a box, you are just trying to be you and if you can’t do that, if you can’t freely express who you are in some way and just   beandnot try to criticize andnottrying to change,  I believe if you can just do thatand be that,  that is so freaking liberating.  

I am trying to do who I really am; it’s not coming easy especially when it’s something I have never done before. I am personally just want to make everything just fucking perfect and just no mistakes, no mistakes at all. Okay but there is going to be mistakes, I am going to fall short in places and it’s going to be fine. There is alwaysexperience teaching me thatit’s okay even if I record something or I don’t sound like I feel like what I said,  I could have said it better or I could have done it a different way or I could take it out. I feellike if I just leave it sometimes and just let it go, its way more liberating than trying to fucking please myself because that’s ultimately never going to happen. You can keep on trying to perfect whatever you are making but at the end of the day you can keep on doing that properly forever and youjust have to accept that it is what it is. You have to love it for what it is, because you made it like that and that is you, that is part of you, that is your sole right of being exposed to the world. You can’t fucking Photoshop that shit okay.  

That is who you are and that is where you are right now and in a way when Ifeel like I am not able to ultimately express myself, it’s almost as though I am trapped inside of my own fucking body. Inside of my ownfucking mind and being trapped like that and not being able to let everything out its driving me fucking crazy sometimes and it’s like how can you expect to be free in the world when there is not even that sense of freedom within yourself and that is also something that I am realizing I need to fix okay is that sense of freedom, I feel that it is almost missing inside of me, I try so hard to. I feel like I try to project my own feelings offreedom and my own sense of freedom addingto the world and I will cut ties, I will do that very easily, I will cut offpeople, I will pack up and leave on dial notice just because I thinkthat is a form of me just being free and I really do value freedom and then I was starting torealize I am not even free inside of myself. 

I don’t even feel like I have the freedom to express myself fully and honestly so if there is that inner turmoil of not just functioning but if that is what is inside of me right now, it’s not feeling like I am free, morose feeling like I am trapped within my own mind, within my own thoughts then how the fuck am I suppose to be actually be free and I am thinking that maybe am not. Yes I can appear to be on the outside but inside hell no. I feel like I am a prisoner of my own fucking mind and I think that is one of the reasons we need creativity and expressions because it is a healing process, that is how we heal ourselves. Whatever the fuck is wrong with us, whatever the hell is going on inside there, when we are able to express and expose that darkness and show it some light that is when the demons start to disappear?  I feel like even right now just by talking about this, whatever the hell I feel is wrong with me is justbeginning to feel a little bit lighter and yes this is me talking right now it’s almost like a therapy session because it is. It’s just letting it out and yes I am letting it out to the world in words but it’s still taking out whatever is inside of me.  

You know what, I am still learning, I am still learning how to be opened and honest and I think one of the main reasons I am not is because I am not opened and honest with myself. I intend to deny things, I intend to lie to myself, I intend to trickmyself, I intend to avoid issues, I definitely like to avoid things. As you can tell again my thoughts are all over the place and I hope something, anything that I am saying makes sense. Someday I am on point, other days I am not and sometimes I like to structure what I am going to say and other days I just want to let it flow. Today was a day to let it flow because we are talking about creativity and inspiration kind of and ultimately expression. Expression is so freaky important and I see it in my mind but it’s very hard for it to get out because it is just a little bit blocked and working on it as we speak okay.  

So like I talked about earlier, I said that traveling is probably one of my greatest forms of inspiration which is whyI am very excited because I am going to be leaving turkey tomorrow . A few episodes ago, I talked about how intuition, I talked about how It wasn’t important just because it helps guide you away from circumstances or situations that you do not belong in buthow it also how it helps guide you towards things that are calling to you and where you need to be. In the past months or so Israel has just been calling my name very loudly and very clearly so I just had to buy a plane ticket and see what the deal was, so I will be leaving tomorrow. I will be gone for a week and I am going to go there by myself so I am a little nervous but also really excited again it’s all about just going in the direction that feels right. So right now if I have to pick anywhere in the world to be, Israel will be the place so I am really excited and next week it’s going to be about my trip and it’s a very spiritual place. It’s the holy land. It’s the holy land of holy lands so I am just going to go into it with an open mind and say okay in case you all lean on me and watching what you got, what you want, what you need ok because I am here to learn. Because I want all of it so I guess we will see what happens, I will be talking about my trip in next week episode and if you have any questions or if you want to see some pictures, I added some on my website you could always go check those out. 

If you are looking to hear more about creativity, inspiration and creative passions, you should check out the podcast on creative push, it talks about all things creative. I was actually on that podcast a few episodes ago if you want to go check that out too. Episode 175 and I hope you guys like what I had to say today and yes I guess I will catch you on the flip side. Peace 

Released: December 7, 2016 

Recorded: Istanbul, Turkey 

Episode 9: Spiritual Awareness, Intuition and Traveling Pt. - Transcript

You're listening to Art Of The Unknown - the podcast about traveling, inwards, outwards, and onwards.

    Hey guys and welcome back to the show. In this week's episode, I want to talk about spiritual awareness, intuition and how they both relate to traveling. So, what is spiritual awareness? That is the question that I have been grappling with for about the past week. The term awareness, I feel, is something that should be kinda of self-explanatory but I'm not exactly positive how it could relate to spirituality. In my mind, the word awareness is just what it says: you're aware of something. You have it in your consciousness and you acknowledge its existence in a way. So, basically my question is: what are you becoming aware of spiritually that you weren't aware of before? And this is going to mean different things to different people but I guess one way we can define it is that you are back to your soul. Becoming spiritually aware means being able to connect back into the part of you that maybe becomes blurred or becomes drowned out by different thoughts or everyday life or just different things that are happening around you. Or maybe it can mean having an increased perception of what's going on around you in the non- physical realm. Meaning that you are able to pick up and understand and feel the things around you that aren't necessarily perceived by your five senses. Becoming spiritually aware means going beyond the five senses. Or maybe becoming spiritually aware just means that you're changing the way you think and it's expanding not just towards you but also the world around you. Either way, I kind of get the idea that spiritual awareness is going to mean connecting or communicating with something that isn't just of a different dimension but is going to be of a higher power. 

    So, it's going to be about connecting with your own higher self and your own inner wisdom. Those are going to be great places to start but I also believe that part of this process includes being able to connect to with people, with nature and ultimately your surroundings. Becoming spiritually aware and understanding and evolving through that process is going to be a different journey for different people. That's going to mean that maybe certain people are going to be able to do things and pick up things differently or maybe easier or maybe more naturally than other people. For example: maybe you're the kind of person that's able to pick up vibrations from other people or maybe, you’re more in tune with what your body is telling you like your wants and your needs. Or maybe you’re sensitive to the vibrations of the earth. No matter what it is, I think that all of this is a type of awareness of something that isn't necessarily physical but it's an awareness of something metaphysical. Everyone's experience here is going to evolve differently. We are all becoming aware of different things, at different times and at different rates. Everyone's awareness is as unique as the experiences that brought them to the point that they are right now. So, I'm not really trying to generalize or speak for anyone else, what I'm doing is I simply just want to talk about what I know and talk about my experiences and hopefully by doing so, it might maybe help someone realize or maybe even understand their own experiences or maybe their own spiritually awakening process. 

    I think the term “spiritually aware” means being able to connect with parts of this reality that are outside of the five senses and outside of the experiences that we are conditioned to believe are “it” - are the absolute. So, being spiritually aware means, at least I think it means, is having an increased perception of reality.  And in order for us to connect with that reality, I think that the tool that we already possess in order to do so is going to be our intuition. Our intuition is what's going to allow us to pick up the frequencies and the vibrations in the energy that already exist around us without us necessarily being aware of it. It's using those signals from ourselves and those signs and those feelings and that kind of unexplainable experience that you have - it's going to be using all of those as a way to understand what's going on around us, even if we can't necessarily put those into words. This information that we're picking up through whatever realm you want to call it - this information that we can gather with our intuition - it's going to help us not just survive on this planet but it's also going to help us thrive here. It's going to help us be able to live and experience this life and this reality in this world that we are in and it helps us experience it fully and deeply and on a different realm than I think what we're used to. 

    Maybe becoming spiritually aware means tapping into the universal intelligence or eternal wisdom. I don't know but whatever you want to call it. Whatever that thing is that exists both within us and outside of us, it's here so that we can access it. So that we can tune into it and be guided by it. We can trust it. We know that wherever our intuition or whatever these spiritual experiences are coming from, we know that we're able to go in that direction because we know that the information we are receiving is needed. It's something that we can trust and go towards and ultimately believe that we're going to get and do and be where we need to be, because there's something that we don't understand. We can't necessarily pinpoint it or put our minds on it, but we can feel it. And however anybody feels it or relates to it, that is their business all day long. I'm just trying to tell you how I kind of see that aspect of our reality. 

    So, the question is: how does spiritual awareness and intuition relate to traveling? Wherever you are and whatever you are doing, you are affected by your surroundings whether or not you are consciously aware of it or recognize it. So, with that being said, I one hundred percent truly believe there's more going on around here than meets the eye. I think it's important to recognize that and use what we are already have in order to be able to, not just move around the world, but to have the best experience that we can while we're here. By traveling, and going out and seeing the world, you're able to pick up and understand and feel things in different areas and in different cultures that you weren't necessarily aware of before. I really think that by using your awareness and using your intuition, you're able to understand the world as a whole not just by feeling it by but by traveling. By going there and by doing so, you're just going to be able to ground yourself more and understand the world better and ultimately be able to move around and experience life as freely and as blissfully as possible. 

    I think traveling is a great way, not only to practice and use your intuition, but to see where you're at in regards to how well you're connecting with yourself.  I don't know if you're traveling with other people or whatever the situation is… but it’s ultimately you walking this earth and you have to be responsible, for not just your safety, but to able to find your way and maneuver through this world that we all exist in. Because you know what? No one else is going to do it for you. No one's going to be able to understand the world for you and find your way through the world for you. We're all responsible for the path that we walk but also the direction that we go. So, I think by using your intuition and becoming more spiritually aware of yourself and your surroundings - it's going to make that walk just a little bit easier and I really think it's going to lead you to where you also really want to go and where you need to go. 

    So, I've done a little bit of traveling in my day and whenever somebody asks me what they should do or where they should go or if it is safe… the advice that I always give people is that you can pretty much almost walk anywhere safely around this earth as long as you have two things: you are able to use your common sense and your intuition. End of story. I 100% truly and completely believe that those are the two thing that you need in order to make your way, not just safely through this earth but happily and have a good time doing so. And truth be told, common sense isn't as common as you would think. There's going to be people out there (and I know some and I'm sure you know some) who jus really don't have a grasp on what this whole commonsense thing is and I know there's a few people thatif they were to tell me they were going to leave the country by themselves, I would fear for their lives, okay. So not everyone has common sense, unfortunately, but I think, or at least I hope I think, that everyone could tap into their intuition and be able to use that as a way to guide them through this earth. So, yes, trusting your intuition and trusting your common sense, are imperative while traveling, no doubt about it. The world is not as scary as people make it out to be. This is a fact but you still need to be cautious and careful because at the end of the day, you are in a foreign country, maybe by yourself, maybe not, either way, you're in an unknown place, you're in an unknown surrounding and ultimately, you are the only person there that you can trust. So with that being said, you have to install and maintain that sense of confidence within yourself in order for you to move forward. Common sense and your intuition: those are going to be the key things that you need in order to make it through this lifetime. 

    Common sense definitely comes easier to me than trusting my intuition. Honestly, I am not a really that great at it. I am definitely still learning, okay, I am still learning how to not just recognize my intuition, but also to trust it. But looking back over the past, I would say like five years or so, I've definitely increased my ability to understand myself but it's not coming easy and it's really only going to increase by one wanting to have that desire, to open up that part of you, in that realm and its ability to kind of perceive things on a different level but it's also going to come to you only through experience, you're going to have to do things that you shouldn't, in order to learn that you shouldn't do them again, honestly, that's how sometimes it needs to happen. 

    There's going to be a list of things that, you know, that you shouldn't do while you're traveling that are just going to be common sense to a lot of people. Like…Oh, don't go to sketchy areas at night or maybe, you know, don't get drunk when you're in a foreign country. Stuff like that, which I think are things that are obvious but not so obvious to other people. I guess that could be a base but you're going to have to build on that by using your intuition. Because there's going to be things and situations that you're going to have to get out of that aren't going to make sense to you and they're sure as hell not going to make sense to other people. Maybe you're in a situation that you feel, for some reason that can't explain, but you just feel that it isn't right and you want to get the hell out of there. So, you know what? You're going to have to leave or there's going to be times when you think you want to do something but there's also something pulling you back because, maybe you’re not quite there yet or maybe, it's not the right time. 

    Being able to decipher between your intuition and your mind is not easy, okay, let me tell you that right now. The mind is going to talk at a thousand miles per hour. It is going to bombard you with the reasons why you should or you shouldn't do something and how are you supposed to know that what you're doing is something that you should be doing and that is right for you and that is a direction that you should be going? Or what if it's just paranoia. Maybe it's your mind just running off with reasons why it's a bad idea when it's actually fine. When you're just kind of being a little bit crazy and that is definitely what happens to me. Sometimes I just feel crazy, like I'm so sick of hearing myself think, I just want it to shut the hell up. I am freaking out over it but anyways… so understanding your intuition is going to have to come by eliminating those thoughts. It's going to have to come by letting go of what the mind thinks, what the mind wants, and what the mind is trying to convince you is true or logical. Or maybe just simply just make sense. When I talk about connecting to your intuition and increasing your spiritual awareness, I'm not just talking about it as a way to survive in an area or get through something or make a decision, it's also a way to help you experience the surroundings and the country that you're in and the culture that you're in on a deeper level. Because they're going to be things you can't necessarily pick up by looking and by feeling with your five senses. There's going to be things that you're just going to have to feel. That you're just going to have to experience internally. It's not going to make sense and it doesn't have to. 

    Using your intuition and becoming spiritually aware is only going to benefit you in the long run. It's going to help you understand the place and the environment that you're in on a deeper level. I think you can really learn things, about not just the culture, but also about yourself by being open to more than what meets the eyes. So… how does one increase their ability to listen to their intuition? This is a very difficult question because it's something that I have a hard time with and only more recently have I been trying to listen to myself and my intuition. It’s still coming along and it's still taking some work. It's not the easiest thing but different things come harder or easier to different people and listening to myself is just one of those things I'm still learning to do. So… how do we communicate and open up that channel? I would say the first part would be actually believing that you can and this is because you're going to have to acknowledge that there is a non-physical part of you that knows things and has a wisdom that you can't really identify. Because you’re in your mind and you're going to need to understand that there is something else, you can call it whatever you want, but just acknowledging that there is something else out there - that can give you what you're looking for.  There is energy and vibration and knowledge and intelligence outside of you. Sometimes it can only be felt and not a logically or mentally understood. So, once you have that acknowledgement of that something greater out there, I think the second thing is: you're going to need to want to communicate. You're going to want to have that desire to connect with your inner being and not just live in the mind all the time because that is going to drive you crazy. Having that desire to connect with your inner being, that is where you're going to have to remove yourself from the mind. The mind is a very, very cluttered place and with all of those thoughts and everything racing around at light-year speeds… that is going to drown out and create so much noise. You can't listen to the subtle voice that exists within you that is trying to be heard and trying to speak.

         To connect with that voice, you’re going to need to want to leave the mind and just accept that there are parts of you that have to be felt and not understood with the reasoning and thought. A great way to do this is to check in with yourself. You're going to have to understand how you feel and be completely honest with what comes up. The mind is going to make up reasons to why you think you feel a certain way, when that's not actually the case and sometimes, your intuition is going to tell you something that you're not going to want to hear. You're not going to want to listen to it because that doesn't match the expectations that you have or the wants that you have. So, being honest with what comes up and acknowledging that that is the truth, whether or not you want to believe it, is going to be very important.  I think a way to do this is by asking yourself a question and focus on how that question or that response makes you feel, because again, it's going to be about moving from the mind to how the body reacts and listening to that as opposed to listening to the fear that is in your mind. 

    Okay, so far I went over or spiritual awareness, what it is and also kind of, sort of how it relates to intuition. So for today I'm going to end here and next week is going to be part two of this episode. In that episode I want to go more specifically and into depth about how to use your intuition while traveling, why it is important and basically, some life lessons involved in learning and traveling and living. Tune in next week for all of that!

Released: November 16, 2016

Recorded: Istanbul, Turkey

Episode 4: Runaway - Transcript

You’re listening to Art of the Unknown, the podcast about traveling inwards, outwards and onwards. 

Hi and welcome to episode number 4. In this episode I want to talk about the idea of running away. So when I talk about running away, I don't mean running away from anything physical, I mean running away from ourselves. So often i the past, I have used travel as a means of running away physically but also in terms of running away from myself. I can say that I have definitely used travel as an escape and not just as a means of exploration. And I feel like the reason I did this was because I thought if it changed my environment on a grand scale, then I could the way that i related to the world and then ultimately I would change myself. I wouldn’t just change how I feel but I would be able to change the way that I am. I thought that I could so easily and quickly become the person that I wanted to be just by leaving or by surrounding myself in a completely new environment. Or realistically, I thought that I could become who I wanted to be by diving into an environment or a society where I was surrounded by people that didn't know me. SO i thought that was the opportunity to become a new person. That was maybe the quick fix I was hoping for. But..ha.. no. Its not really that simple 

So back in 2013, I had my heart broken. It wasn't just broken, it was shattered into a million little baby pieces by someone who I was completely in love with. It broke me in so many different way, I can’t even keep track. I just felt completely destroyed. At that point in my life, I had reach, what I still considered, an ultimate low. I was in a place of depression and pretty thought that I wouldn't get out of it. I didn't think that I would ever heal from this experience. And looking back, I can say that I was sadly chained to that experience. I was chained to the hurt that I experienced due to the break up. So i needed some change and I needed it real quick, okay. After a few months had passed, nothing had improved that much.. only a little bit. So good old Sarah, since I wasn't healing as quickly, the only decision I thought I had was to leave. I thought my solution was to get the fuck out of California.  I hated feeling the way that I felt constantly and I was so sure that the change I needed was physical. I was going crazy working in the same places, the same job, seeing the same people every day. SO for me, the only solution was to leave… but I guess that is just what I do sometimes. I considered moving out of state but for some reason…nope! Got to go balls to the walls. Moving out of state was definitely not drastic enough for me!


Slowly but surely it became clear that, at that point in my life, the only solution for me was to leave the country. Right? I was DEFINITELY not running away from my problems at that point. So once I had that idea in my mind, there was no stopping me. I was convinced: the solution was simple. I had to buy a one way ticket to South America. Yep. That was the only way that I was going to get over my heart break. That was the only way that my life was going to change and that was the only way that I was going to heal myself. I had never set foot on that side of the world before. I’ve never even been to a Spanish speaking county but you know what? I was like fuck it. I can either stay in California miserable or I can make a drastic change in my life in order to help me heal and move on and travel. So yeah. Had to do it. Just not even for my own desire, but I felt like I had to do it for my own personal sanity. So yes, anyways, back to the story: booking the one way ticket to South America. The trip helped, I mean it did but only for so long. About two months into it I was having the same issues, the same fears, the same pains. I mean nothing had really changed. It changed a little bit but everything started coming back up again.  At this point I was traveling through South America, I was having a great time. I was happy, I was doing things. But I was thinking: why the hell am I still crying over my ex. This doesn’t make any sense. No! This trip was suppose to help me! It was suppose to make me happy, dammit! I was suppose to heal me. Why am I still upset? Nope. Wrong. Not even close Sarah. Nope. 

I mean, yes, travel in a way can be very healing. And no doubt it can change you. But the way I was using travel… I was using travel as an escape. I was using travel as a distraction. I was using travel as a shield. This was a coping mechanism I was using to distract myself from the real reasons and the pains that I was actually feeling. I thought if I left the country and I put the focus completely on the outside world, then didn't have to look within and deal with the things that were really bothering me. And I wasn’t dealing with why I was so hurt to being with. So in a way, I was definitely using that trip as a way to mask the pain. I was using it as a way to cover it up. To hopefully distract myself for long enough that eventually time and healing would take its natural course and by the time got back from my trip I would just magically be healed from all the wombs that were ripped into me. But looking back I learned that the pain that I felt was there the whole time. Yeah, there were moment when I was traveling and I was like “OMG I’m so happy, I feel so free, this is where I need to be” Yes. Which was very true . BUT the pain that I felt, which was the catalyst for the trip, that pain was still lingering. You going to see the top of Machu Picchu and pet llamas.. that ain’t going to heal no fucking heartbreak. Yeah, its nice and fun and you get all worldly and shit. But that ain’t going to heal no fucking heart break.  That is not going to take away the deeply rooted pains that you have. 

So yes, the pain was lingering and it was waiting for another change to expose itself to the world. Because unless you confront your pains, unless you look you pains in the eye they’re not going to go anywhere. They’re going to stay there. You may not see them for a while, but they’re there. And the reason that that pain was still around was because I had never dealt with it. I was never questioning or examining myself enough. Or wonder why was so I hurt to begin with? Where did that come from? And I eventually realized that the pain that was cut so incredibly deep inside of me had nothing to do with another person or man or a broken heart or relationship. Yes, the breakup was a trigger to the pain. That was a way for the pain to expose itself. But that wasn't the reason for the pain as a whole. It was merely a catalyst for that pain to be brought to life. So when it happened, it hurt because it felt like all of the love inside of my body and inside of the universe had been completely stripped away and all that was left was, not even a heart anymore, it was emptiness. It was sorrow. I don't even know how to explain it but I did not like it. 

Slowly but surely, I began to realize that the reason it hurt so and and why that love was stripped away at that point was because I was relying on love from an outside source. I was relying on my ex to supply me with the love that I thought I needed. And then guess what happens when he gone? So is the love. And then I was left confusing this breakup and this end of a relationship for a lack of love. But it wasn't the love from him, I realized. What was missing was the love that I needed for myself independently of another person. Because once that love is there, once that solid foundation and self love and self worth and self respect is there.. that cannot be messed with by any other person. Once you have that in you, no one else can take that away. Yeah, relationships can end, things can happen, shit can go down… but its not going to take away whats already there. And you know what, I didn't have that to begin with. I did not. So one of the greatest things that I learned from this is that needed to love myself. And I saw myself so horrible broken and stripped away… it was an emotional rock bottom. Enough about that! The main point that I am trying to make is that you can see that it was the fact that I was trying to run. I was trying to escape. I was trying to keep on moving in order to avoid looking at myself and deal with my problems. So yes, I was running away from myself. I was trying to run away from my problems and I learned that I can’t really do that. I tried! I gave it a good shot but nope! Close but no cigar. It’s fine. Sometimes you can only learn not to do things by doing them. Such is life. But this time around, I can honestly say that I am not leaving the country out of desperation. I am not trying to run from myself. I am not trying to leave anything behind. Any part of myself behind. I cam completely going into this trip 100% ready and 100% with myself. I feel like I am becoming whole. I am becoming a whole person. I feel like I alone am giving myself everything that I need. So, this trip isn't looking for me to fulfill anything. This isn't going to be me trying to hide anything or trying to receive anything or get anything. I’m not even looking for anything. I feel like this time around… this trip is purely an expression of how I am. 

And I can say that I am not running from myself and that feels good. Because at this point of my life, I refuse to run any longer. I refuse to quit facing myself. I refuse to quit denying the person that I am. I want to bewho I am in this lifetime and I want to be it 100% and fully and completely and honestly. I don’t need to hide anything any more. There no point in hiding. Why are we trying to hide ourselves. Why are we trying to resist the way that we feel. What is so scary about just being who we are? And I’m over it. I’m over living in fear of who I am because there is no reason to. I want to live and be who I am. And I feel like a reason people run is because they are afraid of pain. They are afraid of rejection, they are afraid of being vulnerable. They are afraid of exposing themselves because they think that exposing themselves is somehow going to bite them in the ass or just cause them some sort of damage. 

But pain is going to happen. You can’t avoid pain. With the pleasure of this life there is going to come pain. You can’t have good without the bad. So you’re going to have the beauty things in life and then you’re going to have to experience the things that hurt. And yeah you’re going to hurt. You’ve hurt in the past and guess what you’re going to hurt in the fucking future too. Doesn’t mean that you’re going to stop living. I think another thing is to learn how to hurt. Is to learn how to be in pain. To learn how to be compassionate with yourself and understand that you’re in pain and do what you need to accept it, to grieve it, and then ultimately let that shit go. Because you do not want to hold onto your pain. I’m sure, even with myself and anyone else who is listening. If you dare just look inside yourself and ask yourself “what pain am I harboring”. Bring it on. Let me see it. I want to know what pain I am harboring because I am curious because I don’t know. I don’t see it everyday but I know that it effects me and I want it to stop. So just being aware that there is pain there and guess what, shit is going to come back up. It did for me. I really just sat with myself for a little bit and said “Okay, I am ready to face the pain. I am ready to cry. Let me have the pain so that I can get rid of it. I am done caring that around.” And then of course pain came up from a while ago, pain came up from recently.. all this pain was coming up. And I cried. I cried through it. And then after the fact, It left like I can release it at that point. It’s not meant to be there forever baby. It’s not. It just take effort to see it and release it and let it go and then move the fuck on. Understanding your pain and learning from it is such a huge part of life. Its understanding yourself, its understanding the triggers that come up, and its understanding how you are and where you came from and where you’re going. And this is scary because it involves people going deep down in themselves, places they have never been i.e. parts of you that are unknown. Which is completely fine! It is 100% completely fine. Yeah… it’s a lot. Running away from yourself is running away from the parts of you that are unknown. Because once you face them and once you see them in the light and look at them as they are… they become less scary. And then they become known and then they can leave. It’s embracing the unknown that is within. 

So I guess tying this together, there’s a lot. But I can say that I refuse to run anymore and more importantly I refuse to run from myself. I refuse to run from the unknown parts of me that I am sometimes afraid to face but you know what? The struggle is only making us strong. So the more you face those dark and hidden parts of you, the more you can face future parts with more confidence. So yeah I am definitely trying not to run but to run towards the unknown that is within me. Woo! I think I am done for today people! Peace out! 

Released: October 18, 2016

Recorded: Oxnard, CA 

Episode 3: Pre-Departure Thoughts - Transcript

You’re listening to Art of the Unknown, a podcast about traveling inwards, outwards and onwards.

Hello and welcome to episode numero tres of the podcast. In this episode I’m going to be talking about some pre departure thoughts what that means and kinda what it feels like. So in this episode I’m going to be talking about traveling but I’m kinda talking about long term traveling meaning that you depart in a way that you need to make some kind of change some kind of sacrifice or some kind of adjustment in your life in order to accommodate your trip. so when we talk about stepping into the unknown, I think that traveling and stepping out into the world physically is a great example of just fully embracing yourself in the unknown and kinda just throwing yourself out into the universe and just kinda letting the universe be your guide. so sometimes the hardest part about traveling no matter for how long or to where or for whatever other reason sometimes the hardest part about traveling is making the actual decision to leave. It’s not actually packing your bags or walking onto a plane the hardest part can be making the decision in your mind to go. it’s making the choice to step out completely into the unknown and be okay with it. Making that decision to leave means that you are giving up your life as it currently is. You’re giving up the life that you have right now no matter how long it took you to build. And its deciding not to focus on what you’re leaving behind or giving up or changing or sacrificing it’s instead having the ability to focus on where you’re going but also being able to focus on kind of who you want to be in a sense. Traveling is the perfect example of stepping out into the unknown because it is a physical manifestation of uncertainty. Getting off a plane somewhere not having any idea where anything is you don’t even speak the language you have no clue maybe sometimes where you are, I mean hopefully you will because you’ll be looking at a map but either way it’s as if everything around you has changed and everything around you you just it’s new it’s exciting I mean it’s unknown but it’s exhilarating which is why you wanna travel in the first place. 

So making that decision, yes it’s difficult but it’s not that hard because you already have the desire to go you already know what you want you already know that where you are right now isn’t it’s not the end of the story, you know that there is more out there for you. so knowing that and having the desire to go and travel what is keeping you from doing it. Why wouldn’t you make that step? why wouldn’t you take that leap? And why wouldn’t you just go into the direction of what feels right and the simple answer to that question unfortunately is fear. and it’s not just fear sometimesit’s maybe a little bit of I don’t wanna say ignorance or hmm lack of confidence I wanna say that sometimes we cloud our minds with reasons why we shouldn’t do something but also worse we cloud our minds with reasons why we cannot do something. so it’s basically our mind or whatever aspect of the mind you think that is the ego whatever I don’t care whatever it is it is convincing you to not go, to stay safe, to not do things that scare you for whatever reason. I don’t even know why, but all I do know is that you can’t always believe everything you think. Okay, the mind isn’t always right, the mind will definitely lie to you. The mind will tell you things to keep you still to keep you stagnant to keep you from moving forward. Why I don’t know I just know that is what it does sometimes. so I can I can say that we’ve established that the desire to travel is there but the hard part is going to be acting on it. it’s going to be deciding that you are going to do it and with that decision you are not going to let anything or anyone else stop you from doing what you want to do, including, including yourself. Yes, it sounds simple but it is not easy. The desire the desire is there is no question but so are the fears so are the reasons why you can’t do it and then so are even other people around you convincing you that its scary the places you wanna go are not safe or that you shouldn’t go or you shouldn’t do it or maybe you should do it later but at the end of the day it ultimately doesn’t matter if you wanna do something you need to fucking do it there’s, if you don’t do it its just not gonna happen right and yes, I’m not saying it’s so easy to be like okay well I wanna go travel I’m gonna go travel. No, absolutely not it’s hard that’s what I’m saying this, this part right here before you leave that is the hardest part that is a part that once you recognize why it’s hard then maybe you can remove the barriers which prevent you from doing so. 

So in regards to this trip I would say it took me a little bit longer than it should have to actually want to get up and do it. I could honestly say that I did procrastinate just a little bit in terms of this trip. I had the desire to really go and I really considered it about a year ago but I honestly just kept on putting it off. I convinced myself that it wasn’t the right time that maybe I should wait or you know what its honestly like it’s just too much work and it’s yeah. It’s just to much work to get all the way to Athens Greece. Athens is pretty far, you know Sarah, that’s like you do a lot in order to get there it’s not that simple. So of course I’m listening to myself and eventually a year kinda just creeps on by and it’s like oh well I haven’t left yet and if I keep giving into these habits of thought and of action of compliance it can go on forever it can go on to the fact that Ihave never leave the country again just because I’m giving into these thoughts that I’m having that don’t really serve me any purpose. Ultimately they’re not doing me any favors they’re just keeping me still they’re keeping me in a place that I guess the mind thinks is physically safe. and that the ind thinks is a good place for me. I could see that because being where you are you are there so you are pretty sure that where you are right now is in fact safe. Like me, right now I am recording this inside of a closet and I’m pretty sure that I feel safe but when I think about maybe say the fact that I’m going to be going to you know turkey in a month, that kinda, that kinda scares me a little bit. that scares me in a sense that I don’t know whats in Turkey I don’t know what’s going on there I don’t know how I’m gonna get from point a to point b. I don’t know who’s gonna be around me and I don’t know if I’m gonna be safe and I mean these are practical very practical and real world concerns that I’m having but at the same time its its still uncertain it’s still the unknown. you can create as many horrible situations as you want and by focusing on those then yeah then maybe you’re gonna convince yourself not to go there but then yo can also focus on the hundreds of millions of situations no matter where in the world you are that have always worked out and that have been fine but like no body has talked about because they’re just kinda normal right so it is depending it does it depend depend on where you wanna place your mind but regardless it it is a scary thing to wanna take the comfort of your own home and totally wipe that clean and just put yourself out into the world and step into the world alone and by yourself and just try to work your way through it. it’s not easy its really not. 

My last little backpacking adventure I left for south America for I wanna say five months. I was going by myself I booked a one way ticket from LAX to Lima ,Peru and I can tell you straight up the week before I left I was having a straight up panic attack, like a week long panic attack. It was horrible I was like Sarah you’re crazy what’re you doing you’re gonna get robbed you’re gonna get killed like you should not be doing this you’re going to a foreign country you have no idea where you’re where you’re what you’re gonna do even what direction you are gonna head once you get there. you know absolutely nobody in that country and you know what, yes I freaked the fuck out before, the week before, the week before. I even considered canceling my trip but of course my ego was like no Sarah you can’t, you can’t quit your job and then walk back in a week later after everyone was like oh my god bye have fun and then come back a week later and be like I’m not going I chickened out. absolutely not so no just because I’m stubborn and I guess my ego is too, there was no fucking way I was going to do that, the only option I had was to get on that plane no matter how scared I was no matter how much I didn’t wanna do it but in those moments of fear it didn’t even matter because ultimately deep down I knew that this is what I wanted and even deeper further deepdown I knew that if Im so much afraid I’m so terrified of this, it means in a way that it’s something that I need to do. I’ve known people that have gone backpacking alone in South America, I’ve known people that go backpacking all over the world alone. its nothing new it was new for me that’s why i was fucking scared but but it it wasn’t anything that wasn’t done before so that kinda just reminded me that Sarah you can do this you can definitely do this. it’s okay to have that fear but it is not okay to act on that fear it is not okay to live in that place of fear and it is definitely not okay to revolve your life around avoiding fear. Absolutely not. 


Being afraid, being afraid is not the problem being afraid is completely normal excuse me like you are leaving the country you are going to a fucking separate part of the world where you know absolutely no one. Like of course that’s scary, that is completely one hundred percent that is completely fine you need you should be scared. If you’re not scared then maybe you’re just a little bit crazy so fear fear fear my darling fear is not the problem. The problem is letting the fear control you. The problem is letting the fear make the decision for you and the problem is wanting so deeply to do something but then letting fear stop you. That is the problem, it’s not the fear itself, it’s the fact that its stopping you from doing and having and being what you want and what you know you can be. So everything I kind of consider you know uh should I do this should I do that should I take a backpacking trip that is totally how I think to myself um haha I am always reminded of Tracy Chapmans song “Fast cCar” where she say s leave tonight or live and die this way. I think that hit me very deeply because its so incredibly true. either you are gonna do what you want and you are gonna fucking leave and you’re gonna do it fucking right here, right now no waiting no excused if not now when right either you’re gonna do it or you’re not and you’re gonna live and die this way you’re gonna live and die in the exact same spot because you cause you made the decision not to change and not to push yourself and not to leave and not to grow. I found this to be so inspirational because to me it meant you are okay with the way that things are and if so then you need to be okay with the possibility of them staying that way forever or if you’re not okay with the way things are then you need to leave you need to change you need to make that decision and start taking action right fucking now. Make that decision and move the fuck on okay, okay? Because if you’re not gonna do it now then when whenever you feel like getting around to it whenever the opportunity just so beautifully presents itself to you which could happen but at the same time it’s up to you to make the effort to move and make that decision to go. so if you’re not gonna go not gonna do it how much longer are you going to put it off for? months year lifetimes I mean who knows that why when it says leave tonight or live and die this way usually if you’re not gonna make the decision now because the now is like all the little hippies say now is all we have, which I guess is true because you’re only in the now so if you’re not gonna make that decision now then you’re not ever gonna make it even after you make that decision to go here comes the ego and fear again they come creeping back in and try to just keep you from moving forward. 

Hmm because that all too common question comes up what will I do when I come back? and this is a question that unfortunately is very is a very practical question but I feel like can lead down some very constricting roads so personally there was a little internal battle of what I should do what will I do when I come back and the question wasn’t um when do I leave? The question soon became how do I leave how many ties do I actually cut how many ties are needed for the price of freedom so the questions that I was kinda grappling with was well do I move out of my place do I keep it where am I gonna live when I come back am I gonna have a job when I come back. there are just so many different questions that needed to be answered or do I just say fuck it. I know its not just me but there’s other questions that other people have to face when they are trying to leave like oh do I quit my job do I end this relationship do I get rid of all my stuff do I sell my car do I move here do I move there so yes these are all very practical questions and they are questions that need to be answered but I’m gonna tell you how I got through my questions and I did so because I had the intention of really, I really wanted to answer these questions without making the decision based on fear. I wanted to answer these questions without playing it safe because let’s say I’m afraid to let go of something so yes I get it you can be scared you can question yourself but that is part of the process. So instead of focusing on the worst case scenario or circumstance that hasn’t even happened yet instead focus on the self confidence and the strength that you already possess because you know that’s there. Everything else you don’t even know that’s there or what’s gonna happen, it’s all different questions, so as long as you have that stability within yourself baby it’s gonna be reflected out into the world because everything within is reflected back out I guess the question is by deciding not to go by deciding not to travel I guess is that what you are doing are you letting fear hold you back.

That is the question you need to answer and if so are you okay with it because that that is the question and that is what you are going to have to live with. Are you okay with the fact that you prevented, only you, are you okay with the fact that you prevented yourself from doing something you wanted because you were afraid. That is the question and the answer is something you have to live with. so yes sacrifices have to be made, things will be lost things, will change but you are getting so much more in return by doing so, everything must end, especially what lies within those uncomfortable walls you have built. the question is how long do you wanna live inside those walls, and I’m telling you I’m fucking over living inside that shit right now I kinda just wanna leave so yeah I am in a place where I’m getting ready to leave on this journey this backpacking adventure but I’m just saying that you know what it’s scary it’s emotional so pre-departure thoughts stepping into the unknown physically. But baby you’re gonna figure it out, you’re gonna cross that bridge so well when you get there.

Released: October 10, 2016

Recorded: Oxnard, California

Episode 2: Into the Unknown - Transcript

Welcome to episode number two!  In this episode, I’m going to be going over what the unknown is and why it is important. So here we go… 

    As the introduction went over, I am doing this podcast as a way to document my own personal journey into the unknown physically, spiritually, and mentally. So I’ve been really thinking about the unknown is as a whole and I have really been trying to change my perception of it and my understanding. I’m trying to not view it as a thing that needs to be feared or something that is scary or potential harmful to me. Instead, I’m really trying to see the unknown of every aspect of my life as something that is basically a place of beauty. Because there are so many different aspects of yourself that you are constantly discovering about yourself and finding and i think that if you focus internally with intention then you can go into unknown parts of yourself that you have even seen before. 

    I know we all hear cliches all the time about stepping outside of your comfort zone blah blah blah .. but its a thing and I’m telling you right now people, that I am outside of mine! And not just in terms of doing the whole traveling thing, but also starting this podcast because… i don’t know…  its kinda scary to talk to people or to let people know what I’m doing and what I’m thinking and what I’m feeling about things that I normally don’t share with a lot of people so openly or so quickly. 

    Okay, so besides that whole stepping outside of your comfort zone business and doing things that challenge you.. I think a lot about embracing the unknown means letting go of control and letting go of expectations and simply letting thing happen as they will and when they will and not trying to control or force the things in your life. I personally find that I try to control situations, I try to make things happen how I want them to happen, or I just kind of wrap my mind around the idea of how things are currently unfolding instead of just letting it go and letting it happen. 

    I think accepting unknown and living in that place of uncertainly is important because it is simply admitting that you don’t know. That you don’t have everything figured out and you know what? That is perfectly okay because sometimes that is exactly where you need to be in the moment. So often we hear the old cliche - “its not about the journey, man, its about the destination”. But what happens when part of the journey means being lost. What happens when difficult part become accepting the fact that maybe you don’t even have a destination in mind. Or even a hint of a general direction. 

    So if part of the journey means being lost it could also mean that maybe you need to be there for a while. And just because you don’t know where you’re going, that should not prevent you from moving forward. And moving forward EVEN when you can’t see where you’re going. I know, it sounds scary. it sounds ridiculous, I know but there is no other option… you can’t NOT move forward. Regardless of how much you resist, everything around you changes. Everything has to change and guess what, everything is going to change weather you like it or not. So either you are going to keep moving or you’re going to try to resist, and guess what? It’s going to be way more painful than any step forward you can ever take. 

    So in the end, moving forward needs to happen whether or not you know where you’re going. But the important factor is simply trusting that you will get to where you need to go. Its trusting that being lost, right now where you are, is just part of the picture and not the picture as whole. It’s moving forward despite how scary or unwelcoming or dark the unknown or the next step appears to be. And by doing so, its allowing things to uncomfortable for the soul reason that they uncertain. Its recognizingthat despite all of that.. despite how things feel or how things look or how things appear to be, or even how lost you feel, its recognizing that no matter what, you are in a very unique place right now and its a place of growth and opportunity. 

    So admitting that I don’t know and just accepting it..thats all fine and dandy. I feel like that is something that we can all do. But I think that we can all go a step further and learn how to not just accept that place of uncertainty, but also how to live in it - how to like being in it - and also, how to simply just grow from it. Its embracing the aspects of life as they are even if they appear to be incomplete. It’s letting go of the way that you think things should be as a whole. It’s letting go of the way your mind painted that picture of how things are and its basically letting go of the way that your mind tries to construct reality instead of just letting it play out as it will. So being lost and being 100% okay with it is completely fine because ultimately that is where you need to be. it is the starting point of any journey. Its where you being questioning…its where you being wondering. It where you being to have that desire to take the next step forward because you know that there is something else out there. Its taking that step forward future exploration and ultimately towards moving forward. 

    The unknown as a whole, I guess you can say, can be a little overwhelming. Especially if you are going from one aspect of your life to another and things are completely changing and completely shifting and everything is starting over anew. That can be very overwhelming.. I know. And it can be very tempting to want to leave or resist it from happening. But I think another important part of accepting the unknown is trying not to leave it. Its accepting that its not going to feel great all the time. But that place of the unknown where you just sit and you accept things how they are, I think that is a beautiful starting point. And that is where you have to start, there is no other option. If that is where you are, then you can’t start from anywhere else. Because if you try, guess what, you’re not going to get too far because you are going to be pulled back to the exact same stop you were before until you lear how to accept it and move forward from there. So, yes, aligning with the unknown can be scary but i think its scarier if you resist it and fight it because I would rather be going with the unknown, going with change, as oppose to fighting it. Because guess what? Change is going to win. That is a battle that you are 100% going to lose. But it’s also a battle that should not even try to be fought. Because I really think that when you are in the unknown and you are surrounded by all these new things and new opportunities, I really belief that is the birthplace of creativity and change. And it’s where so many beautiful unseen opportunities can be missed because you are deciding to focus on the wrong things. You’re either deciding to focus on what you are losing, where you’re going, or just how it feels, as oppose to focusing on where you are and making the most of it. 

    So many times, when things are uncertain, the mind wants to explain things and put them into a box and doesn’t want to leave things open. It doesn’t want to leave things open to interpretation. it doesn’t want to leave things unresolved or unconcluded. And I think that sometimes, the unknown as it is, is a problem for the mind to solve. It’s something that the mind wants to find and doesn’t just want to leave it as it is. Which, I think can be a problem because the unknown as a whole is a huge thing. Its bigger than you, it’s bigger than this world, it’s bigger than the universe. It bigger than everything. Everything besides what you think you know, is unknown. You can’t know what you don’t know, and you can’t know everything so theres no way for your little mind to not just comprehend everything thats out there, but put it into a box. There’s just no way.. it’s too big of a task. It’s something that’s so different than anything else we experience, so there’s nothing else to do in that state besides to learn from it and grow from it and just embrace it. Its a place where you ultimately become revealed to yourself because you are put in situations that you’ve never been before so you are going to see parts of yourself that you have never been shown before because you have never had the opportunity. So in a way, its testing your character in order to make you change and move forward. In that place, in that point in time, and in those parts of the unknown, its where old parts of you are allow to die so that a new way of being and a new aspect of yourself can come into life and occupy that space. That’s it. That is where the unknown, not happens, but that is where the shift inside of you takes place by being thrown into that new environment. So embracing the unknown mean being able to sit in those uncertain moments, no matter how big they are, no matter small they are, not matter how uncomfortable they are.. its being able to sit in those moment and find beauty in it, to learn from it, and to ultimately enjoy it. Its choosing to start where you are and letting unknown be your guide and then just sitting peacefully in it and find beauty in the things that where unseen before. Because I think that sometimes the most beautiful things we come across are the things we have never seen before and how else are you suppose to find them unless you go to places you have never been before.

    So yes, stepping int the unknown is scary. It’s scary business, I know. But you know what? Sometimes you just gotta say fuck it and sometimes you just gotta do it. Stepping into the unknown is scary, but I feel like it’s connecting with parts of yourself that you have never connected with before or even understanding parts of yourself that you have never taken the time to inspect. Or it’s even reacting in a different way that you have never reacted in before. And then when it comes to the mental aspect of your life… this, the podcast, is a prime example of me stepping into the unknown mentally because, yes, physically, its not hard to sit here with a microphone and talk. The hardest part is convincing yourself mentally that you can do it. It’s pushing forward and doing it despite everything else in my mind that is saying don’t do it. And it’s not listening to the mind, but doing something different which would be going against your initial thoughts. So by taking a step into the unknown, I really truly believe that you are choosing to exist in that place of uncertainty but you’re also having the faith your working towards something greater than what currently is. And it’s knowing that things are unfolding exactly how they need to be. But it’s also trusting that ultimately you will get to where you want to go and where you need to go in due time.

    So that little rants concludes episode number two! Next week I am going to be talking about actually stepping out into the unknown physically: I.E. travel. Catch you later peeps!

Released: October 10, 2016 

Recorded: Oxnard, California 


Episode 1: Introduction - Transcript

Episode 1: Introduction     

    Hello, and welcome to episode number one! In this episode, I want to go over what the podcast is, where it came from, and ultimately where I hope to go with it. So, as the title may suggest, this is a podcast about stepping out into the unknown, not just physically but also spiritually and mentally. Im going to be using this podcast as a way to document my own journey into the unknown by sharing my experiences in terms of travel and personal growth. 

    So a little bit background about myself: I am 26 years old, from Dana Point, California and have a B.A. in philosophy and sociology from University of California, Santa Barbara. The first time left the country was back in 2011 and since then i have been backpacking in Western Europe and South America, I studied and lived in Thailand, and I also did a road trip from California to the East coast and back. So as of right now I have a one way ticket and a job that I can do from anywhere. So at this point in my life, I think its time to give that whole digital nomad lifestyle thing a shot and not just travel but this time around i want to travel more so with a purpose. 

    I’m honestly not the most prepared for this trip. Originally this trip was suppose to be for two months, but one thing lead to another and as of right now I’m just going to be going with the flow and seeing what happens. So for this podcast, I’m not just going to be talking about being in a state of the unknown abstractly, but also as I try to find my way through it because I am currently living in a state of uncertainty right now on so many different aspects and levels of my life.

    Overall, this podcast is a way for me to document my own personal journey into the unknown. I’m going to be releasing new episodes once a week. I hope you stay tuned peeps! 


Released: October 7, 2016

Recorded: Portland, Oregon