Episode 19: Self Doubt 101 - Transcript

You are listening to Art of the Unknown, the podcast about traveling inwards, outwards and onwards.

Hey guys welcome back to the podcast, you are listening to episode number 19 and I am your host Sarah Kreuz. Another week, another podcast, another moment of self reflection and asking myself what the hell am I doing with my life. People, I don’t know and will I ever know? Again how can you know when you don’t know? Anyways, in this episode I want to dive into the topic of the thing I don’t want to dive into but I know I have to. And it is the topic of self doubt and how it relates to traveling. So I guess am just going to start off by saying to be honest and to be fair, I feel like I live in a world ofself doubt. I doubt myself constantly, I question my abilities, I question my thoughts, I question everything not just about myself but also what I want. And that’s why I think maybe I am kind of ready to talk about this topic but I am also a little bit afraid to talk about this topic, the irony persists… it always does. 

I am just going to start off by saying that self doubt is going to live inside each and every single one of us. I’m talking about it as though it is a psychological or even a philosophical concept but I am honestly experiencing self doubt right now. Every time before I start recording, my brain goes off into a state of self doubt and anxiety. I question whether or not this is what I want to be doing, I question if I can do it, I question if anyone even gives a crap about what I have to say, I question if I even give a fuck about what I have to say. Yes, I live in self doubt okay, but I think one of the things I really try to do is I try to understand what is coming up and hopefully try to not let it control me and that’s definitely easier said than done. There are probably more times that I am aware of that I let self doubt stop me from doing something or even entertaining a certain thought. I guess it’s time to talk about this maybe because I have been experiencing a lot of self doubt when it comes to what I want, not just out of this podcast but also what I wantout of life. 

I think that traveling is a way for, not just myself, but for anyone else who pushes themselves farther than they think they can go. I think that traveling in a way really helps you kind of look at yourself and kind of takes that self doubt and puts it right in front of you where you can see it. So we are going to back it up for just a minute. There were a lot of reasons that I wanted to start this podcast. One of them being is that I wanted a platform to speak about my two favorite topics which are obviously traveling and spirituality. I know this podcast ventures a little bit more towards the spirituality type. But, when you are on it you are on it, that’s just what has been coming out lately. Maybe that’s a sign for me that’s the direction I am ultimately going to go but anyways enough about that. I will say spirituality number one, traveling number two if I had to get real. When it comes to traveling, I talk to my friends about traveling, I talkto strangers about traveling, I talk to whoever, anyone that want to talk about it. Yes we talk about some travels like where are you going, where are you coming from, what sup with you, where have you been and whats up over there. 

When it comes to traveling, I know that there is definitely a fear when it comes to actually taking the step and leaving the country or booking a ticket or going on a trip that you really really want but you are afraid to kind of let go and shake up your life a little bit. To let go of the things that took you forever to build or you think that you need, or you think that you want. So this podcast is obviously about stepping into the unknown and embracing territories of the world, of yourself, of your mind, I mean who knows but part of that means actually stepping out from where you are to where you have never been and I feel like there is going to be two different things that is going to hold you back. There is going to be a fear of the outside world, fear of what is physically around you, fear of what is out there and fear of what could happen or fear of what you are leaving behind just anything, any fear that is of the external world.  On the flip side, there is going to be fear that lives within us, which is going to be self doubt. That is the feeling or feelings that you are not capable, that you are not enough, that you don’t physically have what it takes to do what you want to do. So basically self doubt is going to be a lack of confidence in your own ability, in your own thoughts, your own strengths basically you are questioning not just your potential but your fucking greatness. You are questioning whether or not you have the ability or you have anything. You are questioning whether or not you can do it alone. Or are able and capable of doing and having what you want. And that’s because you don’t have confidence in yourself… you don’t have confidence in maybe your psychological state, maybe your emotional state, whatever it is, you don’t just have the confidence there. 

For a lot of people, the unknown they want to step into is going to be in regards to traveling and when you are stepping out into that unknown, whether it’s being in a new country for the first time or it could maybe a solo backpacking trip… or it can banything. So when it comes to the time to step into that unknown, there are two different fears that you are going to have to face: you are going to face the fear of the external world which is pretty self explanatory like what is out there, what will I do when I come back from traveling, what’s going to happen to I don’t know my job situation and blah blah blah, all of that stuff. These are fears that you are going to have to face externally and I talk about what it actually means stepping into the unknown, if you want to go back to that episode, its episode number two and it also talked about some thoughts before I left for this trip and exactly like what kind of fears were running through my head and all of that. So that’s episode number three. What I am trying to say here is that yesthere is going to be fears that you are going to have to face externally but when you kind of look a little bit deeper, there is going to be things that you going to have to face internally as well. I think the greatest one of the things that prevents us from actually doing what we want is going to to be that self doubt. I think that there is a lot of self doubt when it comes to travel. It’s because traveling is always a new experience. It’s something that even if you have gone to that country before, it’s something that you haven’t done. Every time that you step out into the worldno matter where you are or what country or what trip or anything,  it’s always in your experience because thisworld that we are living is for ever changing and shifting. I am sure that you can imagine wanting to go to a place or doing something but you don’t have the confidence in yourself. You don’t feel like you can do it because you have never done it. You don’t have any memories to convince yourself that you can do it or to back up any belief that you have. So the default that we go to is going to be our self doubt. It’s automatically going to be the part of us that tells us that we can’t do it, that it’s not possible, that it’s not something that we are capable of. That’s going to be ear popping again. Like I mentioned before is to keep us safe, to keep us where we are and to keep us from moving forward because the unknown, you will think it’s a scary place. I mean sometimes it can be a scary place but it’s just a place you are not familiar with, it’s just a place you have never been so why automatically label it as something scary. So when you can identify something that you want in your life whether it is in terms of traveling or career or anything, right, so you can see where you are and you can imagine where you want to be. I am going to keep on using the example of traveling, I don’t know if you are afraid to leave the country for the first time or if you are hesitating about taking a solo backpacking trip or if you are maybe a little reserved about I don’t know, quitting your job and maybe trying to work the garage for six months.  Whatever it may be, there is something that you want and you can see it and you know it exist in this world but there is also that divide, there is a disconnect between where you are right now and who you are and the life that you envisioned or something that you want or something that you want to do or want to possess. 

The disconnect between where you are and where you want to be is self doubt. It’s like you can see the life that you want, you can see what you want to do, you can see what you want to have and for some reasons you believe that who you are is not capable of it. I can look at myself exactly where I am right now and I can also imagine where I want to be and I can identify what I want but there is a gap between who I am and what I want and where I want to go and for some reason I don’t believe that the person I am is capable of having the things that I want. I don’t believe that, not only can I get the life that I want, can I even sustain it. It’s almost as though there is a vibration ofdifference between who I amright now and the person who is capable of leaving that life. I’m sure I am not the only one who thinks this. I am sure we can imagine or we can think of someone who is leavingor doing whateversomething that we want and we look at themas if they possess a different quality or they possess somethingcompletely different or anything that we don’t have and I let myself be controlled by it way too often . I am constantly living in the state of anxiety; I am constantly living in the state of fear. Yes I know I am traveling andam doing this podcast but it doesn’t mean that it’s easy for meand I think what’s going to be important here is being able to decide between what you truly and actually wan,t and the lies in your head that are telling you that you can’t have it. That’s difficult. I get very confused sometime too. I tend to believe my thoughts, crazy right?  But it actually is because some of the thoughts that I think are a little bit crazy and if am going to fill my head with thoughts like I can’t do it, I am not good enough, someone else can do it way even better so why even botheror anything. So yes you are going to have to decide between what is something you don’t have to believe and then also between what you honestly believe it’s true. So here again it’s going to be the mind which is going to convince youotherwise and your intuition which is going to know exactly what you want and what you are capable of.  Unfortunately, sometimes you wouldn’t even know the difference. It’s by actually doing the things that you want. So for example, I know I have talked about this before but it’s a good example of some serious self doubts. So I knew that I really and honestly wanted to go to South America, I was going to buy my tickets.  But the whole time leading up to me actually departing from the trip, I was so scared. I was doubting myself, I was doubting my ability to actually be able to survive, to actually backpack by myself. I didn’t believe that I could do it and looking back of course I can do it, I did do it and I think I did it successfully as well.  

Those self doubts are going to live inside your head I mean if you want to self doubt and you want to go swimming in yourself doubt, just buy a one way ticket to anywhere and that will make you question everything you think you knew. Sometimes you have to get through whatever you doubt in order to see that the things in your head weren’t true. I think that you can point and be like am I actually capable of doing this, am I actually capable of this life that I want, this trip that I want to take, thiswhatever it is, can I actually do it and I think by doing that, itwill lead to the question do I actuallydeserve this. Am I the kind of person that can have this, am I the person that is worthy of it? I think that is the part of ourselves that we are questioning because yes what you want is possible but for some reason it is as though the mind is saying - Oh yes, its definitely possible the other people could have it but there is something about you that is incapable. There is something about you that is unworthy, there is something about you that doesn’t deserve what they want and when you dig a little bit deeper, you are really going to have to ask yourself why don’t I think that I am worthy? What about me? I s it able to express myself freely on this planet and to live the life that I want to live. That feeling of unworthiness is definitely going to be rooted in some kind of comparison where I don’t think that I am good enough, I don’t think that I have what it takes because I think that there is someone else out there who can do it better and who ultimately is better so therefore why should I even bother trying. 

I still live in a state of self doubt. I still don’t know if I am even capable of what I am doing right now. Yes, I have been traveling now for four months, I am in Las Palmas, Spain and everythingis going well. I am on week eighteen; I am on episode eighteen on the podcast and doing my job. I am balancing work and traveling and I am here, I have a place to stay. I have been doing it and for some reasons there is still a part of me that doubts myself. There is still a part of me that fear that in any second it’s all going to come crumbling down and there is no one else’s fault but my own. So even if I am doing what I want, there is still that doubt that lives inside of me and I know that even after this whole thing is over and I look back on my life and I am yea I did it, there is still part of me that is going to doubt if I actually did it well enough.  There is going to be part of me that questions my ability to do it even before I do it, doing it and after. if you can see that no matter what state you are in or what phase you are in, ifthat self doubtleaves, it has nothing to do with what you are actually doing, it has nothing to do with the outside world. It is completely rooted within yourself and it is yourself that is stopping you from moving forward. Self doubt, it may always be there. It may not, again, I don’t know because I have only experienced it. I have never experienced my head without self doubts. I can’t say if it goes away or not but assuming that it doesn’t. Assuming that we are going to be living the life or living in this minds for the rest of our lives, it’s going to mean that we are going to learn how to deal with our self doubts. We are going to have to learn how to live and thrive and get what we want out of life even though it exists. It’s going to be there and we are going to accept it yet be able to move on from it because if thatself doubt is going to be an underlining constant that we carry along with us, we are going to have to learn how to freaking deal with it. I am not saying that I know how to deal with my self doubt but I am saying at this point I am questioning why is it even there and where it’s coming from and how I can move on knowing that it exist and it’s difficult. 

Like I said even before I begin recording, I am always super anxious and I know for a fact that is myself doubt in my ability even before the podcast begin, because again I don’t feel like I have anything to say and I know it in my mind that is a self doubt trying to keep me from doing what I want and yet I keep on coming back on every episode and recording because I know what I want is more than what I am choosing to believe that I can have. I am just hoping for the day when I can do this and not feeling anxious, I know it’s going to come, I just got to keep on and keep it on. I guess the question I want to ask is why we more are willing to believe the doubts that are inside of our heads than we are to actually to question its accuracy or its validity. Why is it that we tend to just accept and pretty much give over power to the thoughts in our head than to actually question if they are true. I don’t know, I feel as though in a way that we are brainwashing ourselves to believe thoughts that we don’t even want to believe because we repeat them over and over and over again.  

Sometimes what I think I do, is that I use my self doubt to kind of as a way to keep me from moving forward simply because it is easier for me to believe what I am thinking than it is for me to actually prove myself wrong and take the steps that I need to take in order to do so.  I think that when we live inside that place of self doubt, we are giving away the power that we could possibly have. We are giving away the ability for us to actually do the things that we know that we can do and trust me self doubt is a freaking rabbit hole and it pops up a lot. It pops up in every single aspect of our lives. I know a lot of artists struggling with self doubts as well. I know it takes a lot of love for somebody to create something and let themselves actually fully let go and expose the parts of themselves that they know exist and let someone else see it that is a very very scary thing.  It could also be say quitting a joband then having to tell someone about it or having to admit something thatyou are going to do because in a way it’s like lookingat somebody in the face and telling them that you areprettymuchgoing to let them down andwhen those things happen and you are pretty much doing what you want basically but what you are doing is going to have to disappoint somebody, that’s when the only thing that wehave to go back on and really stand on is our own self confidence that we are making the right decision and living in self doubt can pretty much destroy that. 

It’s going to make you question what you are doing and its going to make you question if you are doing the right thing and I think it comes down to making a decision if you are going to let the thought control you or if you are going to really going to try to sink in to who you are and what you want and have confidence in it. So I know self doubt lives inside a lot of people when it comes to traveling because I think you canimagine where you want to go and where you want to be butyou don’tnecessarily believe that you are the kind of person that can do it. You are the kind of person that can have what they want or even you are the kind of personthat is physically capable or you are the kind of person that possess the characteristicsto travel where you want to go or to leave that part of your life behind or whatever the reason. But what I want to say is that, yes, even though I am traveling here right now and I am abroad, that self doubt doesn’t go away because I am sitting here looking back on the life that that I use to have and the stuff that I gave up and I am over here questioning whether or not I am doing the right thing. I am sitting here questioning should I go back to the states, should I go back to what I had and start building another life somewhere else that is more stable. Because yes, I am traveling butthere is also that fear of if I am doing the right thing. Looking back there is parts of me that want what people back home have. Part of me wants that stability, part of me wants to have to have that weekly routine of going to the gym and meal prepping and doing all that and part of me also want to have apartment overlooking a Seattle sky land if you want to get specific. So sitting here, self doubts are starting to creep up. I am aware I am supposed to be. Yes I am traveling, but parts of me feels like maybe I am wasting time,  maybe I should be getting my career reset, working on different things or doing something more different fromwhat I am currently doing.  I want to say that no matter where you are, no matter what you are doing, that self doubt is going to be there.  

You are going to have to not just identify it but be able to live past it because it’s going to follow you around. It’s not going to go away honestly until you do something about it. It’s going to control you if you keep on letting it and like I said before I feel like a part of me still lets self doubt control me because I still feel like I am using it as a way to prevent myself from moving forward and I don’t know what the hell am doing, I still question everything. I am not exactly sure if this is normal, if it’s just a normal part of life or if it’s somethingdeeper that is going on inside of me that I am giving in to and let it live. 

I guess I wanted to just talk about this because I feel like it’s something that we all go through. Here I am just blabbing on about self doubt and I am doing it because I am just letting you guys know that I live in that place too sometimes and I guess we are all at the end of the day fighting the same battle. Well recently mine has been overcoming myself doubt and I feel like more recently it’s becoming crippling and   I am really trying to not let it stop me from doing what I want and I think the best way to kind of hopefully move past that is by talking about it and that is exactly what I am doing and it’s a scary place. It definitely a scary place to livebut I think unfortunately feelingthose feelings of unworthiness like you are not enough and you can’t have what have what you want, I think by only feeling thosecan you reallyunderstand what it feels like to not feel them and then fromthere you can decide where you want to live andI feel like I felt those feelings enough that I am wantingso desperately to move past them and I thinthat by even just making that choice to want to move past whatever feelings you are tired ofhaving isgoing to help you to take the steps in doing so and even just talking about it right now, I feel way betterabout myself. 

Thank you guys for listening. Anyways, I still question if I have anything to say right now. I don’t even know what I am talking about, I am not giving myself the credit and this is me doubting myself and yes I am just throwing my fucking insecurities and everything on the table because that is what I am here for people. I am here to let you know how fucked up I am and hopefully that will make youfeel better about yourselves and see yourselves for who you are. I don’t know, I am just spillingmy guts out every timeand it’s a little scary, I know, but I am doing it. If I can do this, you can do it too. Okay am just blabbering on. I feel like I have definitely talked enough about this topic for today. I what to say thank you to everyone that listens to the podcast, I really appreciate it. I will be back next week with a new episode. Again thank you, thank you and much gratitude to everyone that listens. If you want to check out my website you can do so. It is www.artoftheunknownpodcast.com let me know if you have any questions, any ideas about anything, if you want to get philosophical, you can always email me and yes thank you again for listening. I will be back next week.