Episode 12: Creative Journeys - Transcript

You’re listening to Art of the Unknown, the podcast about traveling inwards, outwards and onwards. 

Hey guys and welcome to episode number twelve.  So one of the topics that has been on my mind lately is the topic of creativity. I have been really trying to not just understand what creativity means but also understand my own creative process and what it means to me and how I go about doing it. So obviously creativity is going to mean different things to different people, yes we get that.  But what I am trying to figure out here is what is that underlining that we need as a human being to be creative.  And I think really what it comes down to is that ultimately, that it is a mode of expression but I think it goes a little bit deeper than that. I think in a way it is taken whatever the fuck is inside of you that whole mess down there. It’staking that and putting it out into the world. It is literally I feel like reachingin you and grabbing all of the shit, grabbing all of the pain, grabbing all of the hurt, grabbing everything that is just a little fucked up about you right and just grabbing that and then puling it out of you.  

You know what- we are all little messed up, each and every single one of us.  We all know that, not a big deal. We are on the same boat here people but our scars and our pains and whatever the fuck is wrong with us is going to be a little bit different, it’s going to be a lot different actually than anyone else. So I think that that is where creativity becomes important and valuable because its taking that unique experience, that is you, that is your life that you have been living and maybe even the life that you have lived in the past whothe hell knows, its taking all of that and just putting it out into the universe. Taking whatever the hell is inside of you and putting it out into the world. It’s all going to look different because everythingthat brought us up into this point in our experiences, and our mindsets and our views are all going to be completely different.  Creativity and expression is going to be needed, it has to be done.  If you can’t fully take everything out of you that is there and expose it to the world or even expose it to yourself, it doesn’t have to be the world okay, it could be you and the drawing board and that is it. It never has to see the light of the day. It’s just you and whatever is coming out of you.  I feel like if you are not fully able to express yourself and let out everything that is inside of you, it’s going to sit inside of you, it’s going to slowlystart to deteriorate and cause a lot more pain and yes you know what sometimes it’s not going to feel comfortable letting it out, it’s notgoing to feel comfortable takingapart all of the pieces that are inside of you and putting them out there but it’s something that has to be done because if not it’s just going to cause more trouble than it actually was. When I think about creativity, I think about my own little creative journey, and it’s definitely been a struggle, it’s nothing that has come easy to be. I feel like I am still on the baby stages like I am still learning how to actually not just recognize the fact that I want to create things but how do I even go about doing it, how do I even begin to ultimately express what the hell is going on inside of me when I don’t even know what the hell is going on in there.  

So expression and creativity, those are needed but why are they, why even go down that part of wanting to express yourself. Like I said if not, then the things that are inside of you are going to not actually come out and they are going to cause you a lot more damage and problems and its going to be taking them out and when I think back about where I felt the most creative and the most inspired, definitely for me that is going to be travel which is kind of, sort of maybe a little bit of the reason why I left.  I know that being out there and seeing the world and having all of these new experiences, that is a source of inspiration and if I want to create, why not go towards the thing that I get the most inspiration from. It’s just kind of make sense. And before leaving, yes there was a few reservations I had about what’s going to happen, what am I going to do, but at the end of the day its more about trusting the fact that inspiration is going to come your way.  You don’t have to worry about it; you don’t have to obsess about it. If youare going to put yourself out there and just go forit and you are in the right spot, the thoughts and the ideas and the creativity is going to come to you and that’s kind of the reason why I wasn’t too afraid because I know that if I am at my best which is I feel like I am at my best when I am traveling and I am just going and I am being free, Ifeel like I can probably solve any problem I wanted to in regards to life or figuring shit out. Whatever people are afraid of that’s going to happen I feel like those problems can be solved. They are going to be solved the best when you are at your best, that just makes sense.  

So it’s not like you have to be afraid going towards the thingsthat gives you the most inspiration because you are going to get what you need when you get there and I feel like that is definitelytraveling. I know that I am not alone on this, there are so many people out there who find inspiration through traveling and for me it just makes sense. For me it just makes sense because when I have these new experiences and I see new places and I see different ways of doing things, I can literally feel my mind expanding. Sometimes I can literally feel my mind expanding and I am not saying thatjust because it’s in a way that I am, how do I explain it, it’s going to get really fucking weird. 

Okay, there is definitely those moments of traveling when I can feel inspiration just completely running through my body, it’s almost as though my body is vibrating on a differentlevel and it’s almost as though my energy is tingling in a way.  Atfirst it was kind of freaked me out I was like what the hell was happening and like is there something wrong with me,  should I go to the doctor but thenit’s started happening and then I connected the dots buts its always felt like a good thing. I never felt scared, I felt like oh shit I might potentially having a stroke. No, but it always felt right, it felt like I said a vibration tingling going throughout my whole entire body and it just felt almost as though,  this is really hard to explain. That is like the ultimate form of knowing that I am being inspired and that I amexactly where I need to be andits everything. 

Its myself, it’s the universe, it’sall becoming alignedand showing me a different route or a different part or a differentoption that I didn’t see before and when I finally see it it’s like like holy fucking shit, yes the answer is yes, the answer is always yes butI think that when you do find that source of inspiration, and you do find what you want to go towards, you do find something that make sense to you already that is the first step and usuallyin my opinion that is kind of the easiest step.  

What comes after well, now is knowing what you want to do but then it’s actually doing it and that is a whole different battle that you have to fight.  Holy hell, I am saying this because at least for me there is a barrier betweenor there is a disconnect between what is inside of me that wantsto come out and then what actually does come out and I feel likehaving to pull it out every singletime is almost painful. It hurts me mentally sometimes. Even when I record this podcast, it takes me like I have to mentally prepare myself, I am likeholy shit, I want to talk and yes sometimes it’s difficult getting it out and it’s going to be difficult. And I think for me the reason that, okay I think the reason is that it is really hard for me to express myself whether it is going to be in the form of acts or even expressing and saying how I feel about something or how I think or anything, basically anything that is inside of me and taking it outside of me and putting it out into the world, that is difficult for me okay I am going to get real now. My (Unheard word) is fucked.  I know this is a little bit close; it’s been close pretty much my whole life. This is nothing new, recently I have just been kind of not even recentlyokay depends, it’s allrelative really what is time, butI have just been thinking about why is it so blocked, what the hell is wrong with me,  I know thatit has to do with the fact that one, it’s difficult to express myself which is going to mean it is difficult to create anythingthat I want to create, but it goes deeper than thatand I really really think or I know what it has to deal with isthere is definitely a lack of self worth involved almost as though what Ifeel and what I think isn’t worthy of fully being expressed andthis is definitely something that I have been working on and trying to understand and its almost as though what I think in my mind, what I think and what I feel don’tnecessarily matter like why would they, there are so many people on this earth why am I special to feel like my soul deserves best in this world. 

And yes that is unfortunately not the best mindset to have and I am not saying this becausenot trying to get all sad about anything but I am really just sayingit because I think acknowledging it and understanding itthat has to be where I start and right now that is whereI am at. Yes its difficult because its downthere, what is inside of me it wants to come out, I can feel it, I can tell,  there is been definitelytimesin my life that I have been looking for that creative outletand I just can’t find it and it is sad and it is depressing sometimes.  I am not saying that I have it all figured out. I absolutely fucking don’t. I am probably the farthest one at this point I feel thathas anything figured out, I feel like I am a mess butthat’s how it has to be right now. So It’s that lack of feelings of what I want to put out there is worthy and I guess I am trying to understand where that feelings of unworthiness is coming from and I guess it has to do with t he fact that I felt like I have never had the proper space or the proper outlet or the proper platform to just let it out.  From what I can tell and remember, it’s been like that my whole entire life I am not trying to blame anything or anyone, I am just trying to understand it here. from what I can see is that unfortunately if you don’t deal with something,  it is just going to keep up being that way and I amin what, I am twenty six now, I guess it’s timeto like take responsibility for myself.  I guess right, It’s no fun.  So taking responsibility of not just myself , my outside world, how I function andall that, I can do that but taking responsibility for everything that is happeninginside of me like holy shit, I would rather not. I would rather not much put the blame on anything else becausethat’s me butunfortunately no, I got to take responsibility for thisone which is why I am trying to really sit and talk about it because doing so will help me just move on from it.  

So not feeling worthy is definitely going to impact one’s ability to express themselves.  It’s going to keep everything that you have inside of you and that’s not what needs to leave. It can’t leave there, it’s going to destroy you and then I think another issue, since this is my therapy session, let’s just talk about everything that is wrong with me. Let’s just lay it all out on the table because you know what, I already feel like a sacrificial lamb. I know this, I am so hard on myself and more recently it’s been driving me almost fucking crazy. It’s almost as thoughnothing I do is evergood enough for me which means thatit’s never going to beremotelyclose to good enough for somebody else.  I know that is not the mindset that I need to be in, no that is horrible, that is damaging, that is bad. It’s almost as though nothing I do is right.  It’s almostas though allI can see in myself and what Imake and what I produceand what I do and everything, all I can see is what is wrongwith it and yes that means I am really fucking critical about myself but I feel like my vision of the world is horribly screwed right now. I don’t even know how to begin healing that. How do I fucking get rid of that, I don’t even know at this point? It’s sad because whenever you try to makesomething, all I can see is what the hell is wrong with it,  whatI have to show somebody that, that’swhy I am evendoing n this podcast. 

So again okay there is a podcast it’s not just a way for me to help open that shocker a little bit but it’s also a way to just push myself but also to really understand. Because you can’t learn things about yourself unless it’s a new kind of circumstance or a new situation. You are not going to see how you react to something or anybody or in any situation. If it’s not a new situation. So that is why I am doing this whole podcast thing as a form of not just expression but personal exploration. Seeing what comes up, seeing what comes out, seeing what I do in this situation. And having fun in that and even just listening to the episodes, I am like holy shit,  that’s what I sound like, and then I really have to start, I amreally just starting to let go and be like okay, this is who I am, thisis how I talk, this is what I have to say,  this is how I think and I have to accept that and doing so and just letting it go and letting it out and just releasingthat to the world, it’s in a way teaching me a lot about being okay with not just the outcome but who I am because you are not trying to fit into a box, you are just trying to be you and if you can’t do that, if you can’t freely express who you are in some way and just   beandnot try to criticize andnottrying to change,  I believe if you can just do thatand be that,  that is so freaking liberating.  

I am trying to do who I really am; it’s not coming easy especially when it’s something I have never done before. I am personally just want to make everything just fucking perfect and just no mistakes, no mistakes at all. Okay but there is going to be mistakes, I am going to fall short in places and it’s going to be fine. There is alwaysexperience teaching me thatit’s okay even if I record something or I don’t sound like I feel like what I said,  I could have said it better or I could have done it a different way or I could take it out. I feellike if I just leave it sometimes and just let it go, its way more liberating than trying to fucking please myself because that’s ultimately never going to happen. You can keep on trying to perfect whatever you are making but at the end of the day you can keep on doing that properly forever and youjust have to accept that it is what it is. You have to love it for what it is, because you made it like that and that is you, that is part of you, that is your sole right of being exposed to the world. You can’t fucking Photoshop that shit okay.  

That is who you are and that is where you are right now and in a way when Ifeel like I am not able to ultimately express myself, it’s almost as though I am trapped inside of my own fucking body. Inside of my ownfucking mind and being trapped like that and not being able to let everything out its driving me fucking crazy sometimes and it’s like how can you expect to be free in the world when there is not even that sense of freedom within yourself and that is also something that I am realizing I need to fix okay is that sense of freedom, I feel that it is almost missing inside of me, I try so hard to. I feel like I try to project my own feelings offreedom and my own sense of freedom addingto the world and I will cut ties, I will do that very easily, I will cut offpeople, I will pack up and leave on dial notice just because I thinkthat is a form of me just being free and I really do value freedom and then I was starting torealize I am not even free inside of myself. 

I don’t even feel like I have the freedom to express myself fully and honestly so if there is that inner turmoil of not just functioning but if that is what is inside of me right now, it’s not feeling like I am free, morose feeling like I am trapped within my own mind, within my own thoughts then how the fuck am I suppose to be actually be free and I am thinking that maybe am not. Yes I can appear to be on the outside but inside hell no. I feel like I am a prisoner of my own fucking mind and I think that is one of the reasons we need creativity and expressions because it is a healing process, that is how we heal ourselves. Whatever the fuck is wrong with us, whatever the hell is going on inside there, when we are able to express and expose that darkness and show it some light that is when the demons start to disappear?  I feel like even right now just by talking about this, whatever the hell I feel is wrong with me is justbeginning to feel a little bit lighter and yes this is me talking right now it’s almost like a therapy session because it is. It’s just letting it out and yes I am letting it out to the world in words but it’s still taking out whatever is inside of me.  

You know what, I am still learning, I am still learning how to be opened and honest and I think one of the main reasons I am not is because I am not opened and honest with myself. I intend to deny things, I intend to lie to myself, I intend to trickmyself, I intend to avoid issues, I definitely like to avoid things. As you can tell again my thoughts are all over the place and I hope something, anything that I am saying makes sense. Someday I am on point, other days I am not and sometimes I like to structure what I am going to say and other days I just want to let it flow. Today was a day to let it flow because we are talking about creativity and inspiration kind of and ultimately expression. Expression is so freaky important and I see it in my mind but it’s very hard for it to get out because it is just a little bit blocked and working on it as we speak okay.  

So like I talked about earlier, I said that traveling is probably one of my greatest forms of inspiration which is whyI am very excited because I am going to be leaving turkey tomorrow . A few episodes ago, I talked about how intuition, I talked about how It wasn’t important just because it helps guide you away from circumstances or situations that you do not belong in buthow it also how it helps guide you towards things that are calling to you and where you need to be. In the past months or so Israel has just been calling my name very loudly and very clearly so I just had to buy a plane ticket and see what the deal was, so I will be leaving tomorrow. I will be gone for a week and I am going to go there by myself so I am a little nervous but also really excited again it’s all about just going in the direction that feels right. So right now if I have to pick anywhere in the world to be, Israel will be the place so I am really excited and next week it’s going to be about my trip and it’s a very spiritual place. It’s the holy land. It’s the holy land of holy lands so I am just going to go into it with an open mind and say okay in case you all lean on me and watching what you got, what you want, what you need ok because I am here to learn. Because I want all of it so I guess we will see what happens, I will be talking about my trip in next week episode and if you have any questions or if you want to see some pictures, I added some on my website you could always go check those out. 

If you are looking to hear more about creativity, inspiration and creative passions, you should check out the podcast on creative push, it talks about all things creative. I was actually on that podcast a few episodes ago if you want to go check that out too. Episode 175 and I hope you guys like what I had to say today and yes I guess I will catch you on the flip side. Peace 

Released: December 7, 2016 

Recorded: Istanbul, Turkey