Episode 23: Roadmaps and Relationships

You are listening to Art of the Unknown, the podcast about traveling inwards, outwards and onwards.  

You’re listening to episode number 23 and I’m your host, Sarah Kreuz. In this week’s episode, I want to return a little bit to the topic of traveling. I want to talk about some of the lessons that I have learned while being in Spain. I want to talk about what exactly me being here has basically shown me and some of the lessons I have learned this far while being in Spain and I think now is a good time to start talking about this because I have been in Spain now for about two months. 

So I think it’s a good time to reflect on the lessons I have learned this far. I really have been asking myself the question, why did the universe bring me to Las Canarias. Why I am here and what exactly do I have to learn. By being here the last two months or so I can say the obvious answer to that question is that I came to Spain so that Spain can show me the parts of myself as I relate to other people.  I am saying this is because the reason that I feel like I am here is to show me exactly why I not only withdraw but why I kind of avoid intimacy with people, why I tend to hold back and why I tend to basically avoid not just socializing with people but I really avoid social interactions and I avoid getting close to people. I think part of the reason why I am here is that Spain is showing me the parts of myself that I need to see and some of those parts can only be shownas I interact with other people. I think this is a lesson to be learned not just with other people but it’s a kind of a lesson to be learned while traveling in general because sometimes you can only understand yourself when it is in relationship to another person, another thing or whatever. 

So there are parts of yourself that you can only understand when that part becomes exposed or that part interacts with another person and I think that is part of the duality that is the self. You have your being, you are who you are but sometimes parts of yourself cannot be exposed unless they meet their exact opposite and I think that is the duality we are seeing when we travel but in my case in Spain. That is the duality that I am seeing as I build relationships with other people because, again, there are parts of yourself that you are not going to see alone. You can’t know a part of yourself by just sitting in a room by yourself meditating for years on end. There are parts of yourself that are only going to be exposed when you are with other people or in situations that you have never been before and that is why traveling I think is important because it makes you step out of those walls that you have put yourself in. It makes you in a way you are kind of forced to see the part of yourself that you don’t normally see and that can be uncomfortable. That’s part of the reason why we are forced to grow with other people but also when we travel it is becausewe are seeing parts of ourselves that we have never seen before. Because you have never been inside of that situation before and that’s part of the reasons why I think I came to Spain is so that I can see those parts of myself that I normally don’t see and for me the way that I have been living my life in the past especially when in the past year, I have been kind of avoiding people a little bit, I find that naturally I like to be alone, I like to live in my head which means that I kind of just build my own world inside of my head, inside of my body and theninside of the walls that I physically live in and anything outside of those walls, that for me is the unknown. Every time I step out of my house or wherever I am staying that day the world in itself without even having to travel that is an unknown for me. So realizing that the world and the cage that I put myself in almost all the time, that isn’t exactly the truth. 

That Is not the span of reality that I basically should be living in and okay so bringing it back to Spain, I don’t want to get too weird or too quick. Like I was saying before that relationship that you have with people or your surroundings whatever, when that starts to change, that’s when you are going to see different aspects of yourself. The lesson that Spain has been bringing forth into my consciousness, it’s not even a lesson, it’s just becoming more aware of the way that I actually am. Like I said the way that I actually am is toretreat, is to go back, is to create my own world, my own reality inside of my head andSpain is showing me, that you know what Sarah there is a little bit of something else out there than the way that you think the world is. The way that you think the world is isn’t necessarily how it is exactly. Spain is helping me realize that I can’t believe everything that I think and I can’t live inside of my own head. 

So originally I think if you remember me talking about this before, I want to start off by saying that my initial first impression about being in the Canary Islands and being in Spain is that Spain is a very friendly and social place. People are always gathering, always drinking, always socializing… it seems as though they live their lives outside of their houses.  They are always on the streets conversing, they are at restaurants, at the bar, and they are always doing something. It seems like Spain is always very generally revolves around the people, it revolves around the community and I think that is a large part of the culture. I think that could be seen in for example carnival, it is literally a month long party which of course I didn’t really partake maybe one or two days but you can see the contradiction between who I am naturally and the environment that I am currently in. 

I feel like that is a good exampleof the resistancethat exist naturally and that’s part of the reasons why I am here is that I need my opposite, I need the thing that I am not to be able to see the part of myself that I normally don’t see whenI am on my own.  Anyways yes Spain is a very social place, it’s rooted in the community and I can definitely see the need of connectionand the need to bring otherpeople and I think that’s why I get the impression that Spain is just a veryover all friendlyplace it’s because it revolves around the people here andwith that being said, it’s very ironic that I showed up toSpain because my initial intention for this block of time that I am into right now was to be alone, I have mentioned it before that after leaving Turkey, my original plan was to go to Croatia and literally the way that I envisioned it is that I am going to be sitting somewhere on an island, surrounded by nature not really in a love cabin but in my mind that would have worked too but the originalplan was to be alone. To be alone with myself, to be alone with my thoughts, to be alone completely. I think that is funny that I ended up in Spain which is a very social place because I guess even though I was thinking that’s what I wanted, it was the universe telling me this is not what you need. You do not need to be alone, you do not need to be in your head, you do not need to live your life that way right now because there are lessons you need to learn and you cannot learn while you are doing that. That’s all fun and dandy you can go on your little solo excursion any time but right here and now you are in Spain and you are going to have to learn this lessons and you know what I get it. I feel it, I feel the vibes. 

Okay, ever since I arrived in Spain, Ihave been I want to say I have probably been socializing more in the past two months that I have been here than the whole entire year that I lived in Portland. Portland for me was a very, it felt like a solo adventure and being in Spain I can definitely feel and see the contradiction and I think that one of the great lessons that Spain is teaching me right now is that no matter how much I try to resist and no matter how much I try to act like I can do it all myself, I think the lesson here is that I really do need other people.  I naturally not just strive to be independent but I feel likethere are timeswhen I think to myself I do not needanybody, I do not need any one to help I can do this on my own and I will do it on my own. I think that sort of attitude although it’s definitely part of my personalitytype and kind of whatI usually strive for, I think that kind of attitude isn’t necessarily always the healthiest and I think that being in Spain is really showing me that I can’t dothis thing alone. Life is hard, life is difficult. you can’t do everything one hundred percent by yourself because it’s not going to be an easy ride ifthat’s the part you are going to take and Spain has definitely been showing me that I need other people and that I can’t do it alone.  It’s definitely true. Since I have been here, like I said I have been meeting a lot of people, I have been actually going out and socializing and I know weird right?  I mean I definitely do socialize, I just prefer usually to just be alone, I might be sounding a bit dramatic. If I go out one day a week I am good, that is all I need the rest of the time I am happy just being on my own. Spain here is telling me that you know what Sarah, its okay to let other people in. it is okay to depend on other people and that is one of the things that I really happen to have a hard time with. I have a hard time depending on other people, it’s not just with people I am friends with or people I am dating, I just feel like the human race as a whole, I feel like it’s hard for me to depend on anyone which is why I would rather just solely depend on myself and I think I am learning that it’s okay. You don’t have to act like you are so tough; you don’t have to act like you can do this shit on your own. You can rely on other people and doing so does not make you weak and I feel like in a way that by not being able to do it completely on my own, my authority, mymind, my everything. I feel like if I have to ask for help then in some way, shape or form, then I am not good enough on my own and that’s not true. I mentally know that’s not true but inside how I feel about it, it feels as if I am letting myself down in a way and again that is just not true. I feel like I have been living that way for way too long. I have been living that wayand just really pushing people away from me becauseI figureI am cool on my own, I don’t need anyone, I don’t need anything, I got this, I am good, okay, bye. 

That’s honestly not how I want to live my life. I want to be able to depend and trust, okay that’s a big one too trust other people which is very difficult, we all know this. Over all, with all of that being said, currently Spain has been acting as my mirror. It has been showing me that personal relationships for me are very difficult, which is why I have been feeling that friction here but it also kind of why I have been kind of brought here and when I say that personal relationships are difficult for me, again going down this part of personal discovery since you are freaking left in rye damn it doesn’t end, it just doesn’t end. Sopart of the reason that I think that I find relationships with people, people in general, it could be anybody, people just people okay, the reason I find relationships difficult is because Ihave a harder time connecting with people on an emotional leveland for me emotions are confusing, they don’t make any sense whichiswhy it is difficult to connect with other people becausepeople okay are made up of emotions, they are made up of more, they are very complicated and part of that has to do with emotions and intentions and all of that and I don’t understand it so when I am interacting with somebody whether they are like a random personor a friend or whoever and emotions start getting involved I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think, I don’t even know what to feel and that is difficult for me and I realize this. 

I realize that it’s hard and it’s also exhausting. That is the thing too. I am definitely an introvert and so when it comes to being around a lot of people all the time I just feel as though everything is just expelled. I don’t have any energy. At that point that’s when I crave my alone time. That’s when I crave to be alone and not just see anyone, not talk to anyone and just do my own thing and then when I am ready to go back into the world, I shall be born again but until then I just need to play low and be alone. Back to one of my original point, Is that the reason it’s so hard to deal with people is not because of the emotion thing but little bit because of that but because of my personality type. At least I think. I am not trying to put myself on a box but I think understanding which box you are in can help you get out of that box. And for me that box is seeing that I am the kind of person that strives to be alone and that dealing with people is difficult for me and I think that part of that reason is because of my personality type which is on the Myer-Briggs, I am an INTP which means that the way that I gather my information is I have to make sense of the inside world first before I can make sense of the outside world. So when I don’t understand what is happening inside of me in relationship to another person, I can’t begin to even understand what is happening inside of them. Next I am a type 5 on the Enneagram type. They are basically saying I live inside of my head and that I am not driven by my thoughts, but the way that I make sense of the world is through thoughts so you can’t really make sense of another person’s emotions through thinking usually it is something you have to feel which is why I think it’s difficult for me to understand them. 

Anyways, all of these reflections are just coming through for me right about now. It’s definitely showing me that aspect of my personality which is trying to basically just live in the world that I am making in my own head. It’s showing me here that I can’t necessarily do that and there is a world outside of that which is always obviously been true. I think that the reason now that it is coming forward is because the last time that I talked about how I feel this lack of self worth for myself and that hasn’tresurfaced until recently. 

Well, my anxiety also resurfaced which I’m almost sure that if they are coming up at the same time I am guessing they are related anyways. Recently my anxiety has been coming back and again it’s just been showing me that I am way in too much inside of my head and I need to expand my thoughts and how I relate to the world and not just in the things that I think. And that I put myself in a box and I keep myself in a box and yes I am traveling, I am going to see in the world. I have definitely done this before but just because you leave doesn’t mean that you necessarily can see some things that you haven’t seen before.  Right now I am seeing that my anxiety, I am producing my own anxiety through my thoughts which is probably very obvious to some people but me living inside my own body is almost as though the world is producing the fear and I am just reacting on it as opposed to the fear coming internally from me and then my anxiety being that response to that fear. 

Anyways yes it’s showing me that anxiety that I am feeling is self-generated and it doesn’t have anything to do with the world outside of me. I am the source, I am the cause and I am the whatever of my own anxiety. If I can kind of take a step back and see my brain and how it works and why it’s doing that maybe I can hopefully then take a step back from the anxiety because I am telling you that livingI will say the last two weeks, my anxiety levels have been like eighty percent. I am just like eighty percent anxious pretty much all the time which does not feel good.  Its way more than your mind is going and going. You can also feel it in your body. Your body cannot relax, your body is always on edge and I am sorry to say that those are being created inside of my own head. Again bringing this whole back to Spain is that this purge of anxiety also when I was in a group of people, I just got social anxiety, I get a little bit but ever since then it hasn’t stopped so I definitely think there is a relationship with also how I relate with other people too. If I am in a group and that is causing me anxiety there I something going on within me. There is something going on with either the way that I think about myself or expect things from people or maybe I think that they expect things from me and I can’t necessarily give it to them and that’s when I get anxious and that’s when I want to leave and justgo backinto my little cave. Again I am not exactly sure why but this is kind of starting again, I am really trying to figure it out again living inside of my own head.  

Okay so going back to relationships and what exactly what Spain is showing me, besides the fact that it is showing me that I need people in my life that I can’t do this all alone, I get it. It’s also been showing me I want to go a little bit deeper than that and reflect a little bit on the way on the way that I attach to other people. I have talked about this briefly in the past episode; I was really starting to understand my attachment style. We all have one and there are certain ways that we all attach to other people that is how we build connections and trust. That is basically how we form connections with anyone outside of ourselves of ourself. Being here in Spain is physically showing me that I do have a bit of a, I want to say that I definitely have a avoiding attachment style which makes sense, you can see that if I am clearly avoiding people, I am clearly avoiding social contact, I avoid a lot of people clearly and trying to live life on my own and I have the belief that I don’t need anybody, that is definitely a symptom of my attachment style which is to avoid intimacy and to avoid connection.  

So that is definitely a different rabbit hole in itself andI want to go into that a lot further in a different episode, but for now I am just going to keep to relationships in general and I want to save me talking about my it’s probably going to be a two part about my horrible type of men. There is some shit we are going to uncover and that is not for this episode.  We are going to save all of that for another day. But what I am saying is the heart. Speaking generally about just attachment in general, I avoid attachments, attachments scares me, Iguess you would put me under that category, I don’t know what they call people that I guess if you are afraid to commit, that is me, I am afraid to commit to people. I am actually afraid to be in a relationship, I am afraid of getting close to people, I am afraid of people leaving and abandoning me and I guess why I don’t want to get close is that I automatically assume that they are going to leave and I automatically assume that if I did anything wrong, if I were to rock the boat in any way even the slightest, it will automatically just drive them to leave. That has to deal with my fear of attaching to people.  Because it doesn’t make any sense because like if I get close to someone and they are ultimately just going to leave then why even bother getting close.  It doesn’t make any sense to me and this far by being here I haven’t, it’s not like how I am attaching to people is changing, it’s just that I am being able to see it clearly, like the friends that I have made, the people that I have met, I am finding that I can definitely see them myself because I really like the people that I am becoming friends with but I am just afraid of them just one day and them being like I am done. I don’t know why, I have that fear. I have that fear of getting close to someone and then doing something that they don’t like and them just being like ok, we are done it’s over, we are not friends anymore and I see myself becoming a little triggered with some of these things. Like if I text someone and they don’t text me back, my first response is like oh they don’t want to be my friend anymore. I am like this is over I should never text them again which doesn’t make any sense.  If you text someone and they don’t text you back so what? I don’t text people back all the time. If I lived by my own rules and my own standard, that will mean that none of the people that I have never texted back, that will mean that I don’t like them and I don’t ever want to talk to them again, that is completely not true. I am finding that this kind of detachment that I have towards people in general, I am seeing that it is coming out a lot here because everyone here at least and a little community of I want maybe a little like what you call experts in that community, people are very nice, they want to talk to you, they want to get to know you, they want to talk to you, they want to socialize and do things. I am finding that I am the kind of person that just kind of sits back and watch and wait for other people to come to me. I don’t ever usually actively go after friendships unless like I really like that person. Like okay I want to be your friend and that’s just another example of me seeing me for how I am and am not saying that what I am doing should be bad or wrong or should be changed, I am just saying that the way that I am is being shown to me very clearly here and it is due to the fact that I am surrounded by other people and I am almost in a way kind of force people to socialize a little bit because right now I am currently at a co-working and a co-living space.  

So obviously when you are co-working and co-living with people, you are going to be surrounded by people. Which is fine for now, it’s been like a month but anyway showing me that these parts of my personality they are coming out and you know what they shouldn't be coming out. I need to be aware of this. I need to understand what is going on because recently, not even recently all of my life I haven’t been aware of this. I have always thought that there was something wrong with me. I have always thought that I was just a little bit different and I that I didn’t actually belong with people and that’s not true. I am realizing that the way that I show up and the way that I understand the world and the way that I understand myself that is who I am. I just have different needs. I just have different wants and if I prefer to be alone then that’s completely fine.  I am not the kind of person that’s going to go out and be like Oh God, honestly I have to pep talk myself before going to like a social event or going somewhere I don’t know anybody and sometimes I have to pep talk myself to leave the house and that’s fine. I am not saying this is bad, I am saying there is part of myself that I am just learning to accept that’s the way that I am and that is not anything bad. I am really glad that I came because I needed to see this part of myself. I needed to become aware of who I was and that wasn’t going to happen unless I was thrown to the situation. If I had ended up in Croatia and was alone in my little locked haven for three months straight, I would not have realized maybe I have some attachment issues.  Maybe I am a little bit too much of a recluse sometimes. Maybe I can sometimes step into that unknown which is with people. Going towards people is an unknown for most other people but there is definitely going to be some of us on this earth and that is an unknown. Yes, for me that am a little bit scary and going in that direction is not anywhere that I have ever gone before. Opening up myself up to people completely and really letting people in and trying to be part of that community and really depending on other people and asking for help, that’s not something that I normally do.  For me this is taking effort, this is taking me pushing forward a little bit but again it’ some place that I need to go it’s someplace that I have never been. Honestly I can’t even remember the last time that I really try to just be open with people will completely and just let people in and try to be part of that community.  It’s funny that my current roomy will come home and when we are all there and he is like the family is together and for some reasons when he says that, it just kind of bothers me a little bit and it’s nothing about him, it is not what he is saying, it is completely my own issues and I need that, I need these things to be shown to me completely and be okay and I think that’s part of the reason why I am here. It’s because I need to learn about myself. I need to see myself. I need to be exposed to myself because in a way I haven’t been. I have been living inside of my own mind and I have been creating a story inside of my head about the way that I am and who I am and I am finding that is not necessarily true. 

It’s good to feel that friction with other people because it lets you know what is going on inside of you.  Like I just said when he says oh the whole family is here and that bothers me a little bit. Why does that bother you, what is going on and like why would that. I guess it would bother me but why does the fact that people are together and are happy and in a home together, why does that bother me a little bit. I don’t know, I am just asking, I don’t know the answer to that question. I think one day it will come out maybe you know, whoever I listening is like you know and you are like saying oh this bitch here she goes again, well if you know tell me because is don’t know what it is. It can go on forever can’t it? I can always dive a little bit deeper we can always go somewhere else; I guess that is part of the journey.  We are here to learn and if you are hold up that and you are ready to go dive deeper than yourself you are going to learn some shit.  I just think that it’s good to step into that place that you have never been before because that is where you are going to start learning things and that is where you need to go because if you have never been there before guess what you are going to have to go there eventually. We are not leaving any rocks unturned because I am in a deep; there is no turning back now. The only way out is in and I am heading inward. It’s been arresting and it’s definitely is. It’s an arresting to go back and listen to this episode I don’t know when I am like in my 60’s and I will look back and be like oh bitch please.  You want to learn something about yourself oh girl let me tell you a thing or two. 

Anyways I think that I am one with this episode, I hope it kind of made sense because I feel like I was rambling a little bit too much. Again it’s a little bit difficult to accurately describe all of the things that are going on internally right now because theyare quite a lot. A lot Is happening and the world is changing which is good and that’s why we are here people to learn and to grow. You know what I feel it sometimes its hurt. It hurts a little bit not as much as freaking Bulgaria, that was a painful trip and I think that … this wraps up episode numero 23 and I want to say thank you again to everybody that is listening to this podcast I really appreciate it. I really do and I want to say thank you to everyone that left me a review on I tunes I absolutely appreciate that as well, thank you, thank you. Like I said in my last episode, I am going to be doing a forty day, I don’t know what you want to call it, a forty day spiritualpractice challenge and I am going to start with the book, I have the audio book actually. It is called May Cause Miracles and it is basically going to be a forty day spiritual practice challenge. I think every day is between five to ten minutes worth of spiritual practices and yes anyone is welcome to join me. If you like I have a link to the free audio through audible on my website, you can get the audio book for free when you sign up audible and again you can cancel within thirty days, they don’t charge you and that way you get the book and you can join me if you like and it’s going to be for forty days and I have never done anything for that long before so we will see how it goes, if you have any questions please email me questions, comments. I don’t care whatever. My email address is artoftheunknownpodcast@gmail.com and if you want to check on my website I have some episodes transcribed, I am working on it and it’s definitely a process but if you want the transcription, you can go there, I have pictures, I also have a small blog, I am working on it but yes if you want to check on my website, you can go to actsoftheunknownpodcast.com. Thank you and thank you again for listening and I am out.

Recorded: Las Palmas, Spain

Released: March 10, 2017