Episode 22: Self Love & Lack Thereof - Transcript

    Hey guys and welcome back to the show. You’re listening to episode 22 and I’m your host Sarah Kreuz. 

    So in this week’s episode we are going to get a little personal. I’m actually a little bit afraid to go into this direction of the unknown because it not somewhere that I want to go. And to be honest, it’s somewhere that I have been, not trying to avoid, but trying to subconsciously distract myself so that I didn’t have to face this particular aspect of me. So I’m going to start by saying that sometimes we leave a place, a situation, or even a person and we think that once have left whatever we left behind, we also assume a part of ourselves is left behind with them or it. And thats exactly what I’ve been doing ever since I left the country back in October. I’ve simply just been assuming that the parts of me that I didn’t want to face, or the parts of me that were difficult to comprehend or understand.. I was assuming that just because they haven’t been coming up for me as often as they have in the past, I had just assumed they were gone. I assumed that since I left the country, I also left a part of me behind and that part of me was something that I didn’t like or want to associate with. 

    So in episode 4, i talked about how this trip wasn’t about me running away from something like I’ve done in the past. But instead this trip was more so about running towards something and if you want to go back and listen to that episode, its number 4 and its called “Runaway”. But since I’ve recorded that episode back in October, I think a little bit has changed. And i think that without realizing it consciously, I was actually trying to run away from a part of myself that I didn’t like. And that part has to do with self love, or in my case, the lack of it. 

    Before I left the states, I was very aware of the fact that I need to improve the way that i felt about myself and I really needed to improve how I related to the parts of myself that I was insure about. Since I’ve left, nothing has been coming up for me, which is why I assumed that I had fixed the problems that were so deeply rooted inside of me. But that is not the case. Recently within the past week or so, it has really been coming back up for me. And its showing me that, while I have healed a little bit, I still have the fundamental feeling of unworthiness… and I don’t want to say self hate, but a server lack of self love. So this is very difficult for me to talk about and its not difficult because I am speaking it into a microphone or I am broadcasting it on my podcast. But its difficult to talk about because it is something that I avoid confronting within me and its difficult for me to accept and face were I am at on an emotional level. And its something that, at the end of the day, I don’t want to do and I would rather it not be a problem. But because it is coming back up I know I have to talk about it and I know that I have to face it. I can’t keep avoiding the issues that are basically there. Because I have been doing that. I have been assuming that some of my internal problems were fixed because they haven’t been coming up. I know thats not the case, and I feel like I’m avoiding the issues once again so I’m just going to start by talking about it. 

    I know that I have a lack of self love because of the state that I was in before I left the country. When I was living in Portland, Oregon. I could barely be alone with myself. Confronting who I was and looking myself in the mirror and just trying to see where I was at and who I was: I couldn’t do it.  I would look in the mirror and literally start crying. I could not face who I was because I didn’t like who I was. And it wasn’t because I did something wrong or because i thought that i was a horrible person. I just didn’t have that love and appreciation for myself like I did for other people. It was almost as though I would look at myself and ask the universe: Why have I been given this body? Why have I been given this personality? Why have I been given this soul? There’s nothing about myself that I like. It was a struggle to look myself in the mirror or to even acknowledge one thing about myself that I liked. I know that this was clearly a sign that there was a lack of self love and respect for myself. It was almost as though, if you were to strip away everything that I was,  everything that I had done, and just everything about me: the way I look, the way I act, the way I feel… If you can strip all of that down. I still did not like what was life. And you can see why this is a little bit difficult to talk about because it is one of the core issues that I have. And it is why I really believe that this whole thing that I am going: traveling and the podcast - I am really trying to step away from who I was and really try to change. I feel like I am doing it as a way for me to heal myself. And the foundation and the root of that healing is needed because of the way I feel about myself. And the way that I think about myself and the way that I ultimately do not love myself. And this trip has turned into a healing a journey because that is the very thing that I need. I need to heal the parts of myself that I’ve over time destroyed. I have rejected, I have put down. I have in some way shape or form have told myself that I am not enough… I am not worthy of love and I am not lovable which is why I have not been giving myself the love that I need to myself. 

    So what I think I am dealing with here is the core belief that I am not enough. The way that i show up to the world is not enough: The way that I look, the way that I act and the way that I show up to the world as I am without having to do anything or try or pretend like I know whats going on… I feel like the way that I ultimately and purely andauthentically show up is not enough. Which is why I believe that I maintain the belief that if I were to do something or achieve something or if I were just different in any particular way then I would be worthy of the love that I think that I want and think that I deserve. And then only once I cross over to the other side of who I think i should be and who I think i need to be, then I will get that love. And I think that is the problem that I am dealing with because I am ultimately trying to obtain something else. I am tying to change in a certain way and I am trying to be something other than where I am at before I can give myself any love. And before I can just appreciate and find gratitude and love who I am in the exact place and in the exact way that I am. 

    And I’m not saying that I hate myself… no. I definitely do not but before I left I would say that I did. Since then, I have come a long way. Although I am not where I want to be, I have made improvements which is why I believe I am going in the right direction. And which is why I believe that I really need to talk about whats been going on. Getting this honest, not just with whoever is listening, but also with myself is very difficult and scary. It’s something that I don’t want to talk about and its something that I would rather just avoid. But I know that if my purpose here is to heal myself, I know that i have to go down this path in order to so so. I can’t avoid the parts of myself that I don’t like because they are never going to change or heal unless I am able to bring them up to light. Unless I’m able to expose them to myself and really understand what they are and where they come from. Unless I can acknowledge then, then I’m not going to be able to heal it and they’re not going to change. I really think that by talking about stuff like this, it’s bringing it to light and once its exposed that is when it begins to dissipate. That’s when whatever issues or problems that you have with yourself internally…that is when you are able to bring them to light and stop pushing them down. That is when they can be released and ultimately begin to heal. I really think that’s whats been happening since i left. I think what has been happening is that by doing this podcast and actually talking about whats been going on, where I am at, whats been happening inside of me, and the unknown parts of myself that I have been trying to avoid.. I think that is where the healing is happening. 

    Yeah you can look and see that I am traveling to these different places, but I really think that the places are being shown to me because of the changes that I am making internally. I really believe that the changes are happening first and then the outside world is being reflected because of those changes. And that another why I want to share whats been going on and why doing this podcast is really important for me because I feel like if I can explain how I am trying to process everything that is going on and everything that is coming up and what i think about about it and how I am realizing it… I really hope that by doing so it will show somebody that if I can do it then you can do it. If I can really turn the attention inwards and go in that direction, then I think that is completely possible for anybody. Because that, ultimately, is who we are and I think that we spend so much time trying to avoid going inwards and trying to avoid the issues that we know we have. I think that we spend too much time focusing externally that we end up living a life unhealed. This is because we don’t take the time nor put in the energy that it takes to put attention internally as opposed to externally. For me, the attention isn’t mostly external but it is definitely a lot. Its a lot easier to point to how the world around needs to fixed or changed that it is to point what inside of us needs to change. And I’m shining a light in there right now and looking around with the intention of healing it, fixing it, and ultimately moving on from it. Because I do not want to harbor this pain. I do not want to harbor any negative emotions about myself or other people. I do not want to harbor any form of negativity in my body, in my mind, in my soul, in my food, in my home, in my life.. in whatever! I do not want any of that. If theres something living inside of me that I know is negative, or something that I am afraid of and I am trying to avoid… then I know that is exactly where I need to go. That right there people, is the unknown that lives within all of us and that is the unknown that we do not want to go to but despite how desperately you do not wan tot go there and how much you try to avoid that place that is the place you need to go. That is the place inside of you that is calling for you attention and to ultimately heal it. I know what is wrong with me, I can feel it, I can hear it.. but that is what I try to avoid. 

    I know that I am not the only one that does that. You know what you need to do and you know where you need to go. But you resist going there because you hope that the place that is calling for you attention is going to change. It’s like you can ask yourself the same question over and over again but you are expecting to get a different answer. You’re expecting and hoping that one day the answer is going to change because you do not like the answer. You do not like your intuition or your higher self or whatever you want to call it pointing you to where you need to go internally. I do it too, I hope that the answer is going to change. I hop that I can ignore the problem long enough that it is just going to go away. And yo know what? I have been ignoring this problem for far too long which is why I need to talk about it. 

    And I think talking about it is helping. I know that unless I can confidently say that I 100% love myself as I am and as I show up to the world then I know that it won’t matter what anyone else says, does, or thinks… I am going to see the lack of self love and I am only going to feel that as a response to anything that I do, say, or think. That is going to remain there until I have the desire and the motivation to change it. Which will take time and dedication, but I think that wanting too and knowing that it is possible, I think those are the things that you need in order to make a positive change within yourself. And I guess that is where we need to being, right? And I also think it starts by tearing down all of the layers. Because it is so easy to keep them up. its so so easy distract yourself with people, food, alcohol, with whatever.. its so easy to distract yourself and place the attention on anything other than where you’re at internally and I think that something that I have been doing of far too long, which is why I really think it is important to know how to be alone with yourself and listen to what you are telling you because it is what you need to hear. And like I said how I would just sit in my room and cry in Portland, that was clearly myself telling me what was wrong with me. It was telling me that I don’t love myself and it was telling me that you need to be a little bit nicer to yourself. You need to stop being your own worst enemy because look at what you are doing to yourself: you are destroying not just your body but your internal being too. All this stress and these negative thoughts, they are having an impact on your health, they are having an impact on your well being, your mental state…don’t even get me started with the anxiety. Yes, there are negative repercussions to basically being a bully to yourself all of the time. So that’s what I’m saying, listen to what you are saying because you are saying it so very clearly and its tearing down he layers that are preventing you from listening and actually hearing what you are saying. 

    There are layers that are in the physical world but there are also layers that are also within you as well. Like the mind. The mind will distract you, it will tell you things, it will try lead you astray. It is way easier to distract yourself in the moment than it is to really dive deep within yourself and understand what is going on and to really feel that pain. That is the thing: this is painful. You are going to need to feel the pain of where you are at because guess what? It hurts. It hurts for me right now too. I knew that this was also something that I had to confront because I felt it coming. I felt an emotional purge coming. I didn’t know why, but I felt that there were feelings that were going to come upand I wasn’t going to like them but I knew that I had to feel them or else they were going to live inside of me and ultimately destroy me from the inside out…to be real. I am learning how to feel these feelings.  Okay, I am not going to cry on this episode, haha, don’t worry guys, I already got that out before I started recording. But what I am saying is that you are going to have to feel these feelings. So what I kinda did was I just sat with myself and I felt all of the feelings that I did not want to feel. I sat there and it was uncomfortable, it still is a little uncomfortable okay I’m not saying that it’s over with, there are still things in there that I haven’t let of. But I think the important thing is to feel them as they are and as they come up and not try to label them. Because for me, and my mind, and who I am: I need to understand things mentally in order for them to make sense on any level of my being. Which is why emotion are difficult for me because when I feel somethingI automatically want to label, put it into a box and put it into a category in order for my mind to understand it. And part of my evolution of understanding myself is that I can t necessarily do that. Emotions are something that you are not going to be able to put into a box because that is not what they belong. That is something on a different playing field. So for me what I needed to do and am still doing is to feel the emotions as they are without trying to label them. Because if they are coming up, that means that they are there and they are going to be there until they are felt. For me, the feeling of not being loved and the feeling of unworthiness and the feeling of not being enough, those have been living inside of me for far too long. But i have been pushing those emotions down. I have been trying to avoid them and I have been distracting myself from them. I have basically then acting like the don’t exist within me, but they are there and they are something that I need to feel in order to move past them. It won’t feel good, it hasn’t been feeling good but I know that is what needs to happen. And I think that if you can understand what is happening, like for me, if I can look at the situation right now and understand that it is only temporary and that this is going to pass, then I can go through this temporary discomfort in order to move on from these emotions and ultimately heal from them. If it makes sense to me, then I can understand it, then I know that it is something that I can do. This is going to be different for everyone, but I’m just explaining the process behind what I am trying to do to heal myself of the feeling of ultimate unworthiness…of that feeling of not being enough and of just not loving myself. 

    I would consider where I am at battle. I would consider this a battle of self love. With that being said, I think that what I am feeling and what I am experiencing is the root of a lot of issues and a lot of anxieties that I have, not regarding myself but also how I relate to this world. And this podcast is definitely a way for me to help heal a lot of those feeling of unworthiness and those feelings of lack of self love. So I want to go a step further which is why I am going to be doing a 40 day.. not meditation challenge.. but a 40 day challenge filled with spiritual exercises. I don’t know if you’ve read the book “May Cause Miracles” but it’s basically a 40 day guide book to help you become more in tune with yourself and more in alignment with the universe. it is written by Gabriele Bernstein who wrote the book “The Universe Has Your Back”, anyways, if you want to join me in this little spiritual adventure, you’re more than welcome too.

        Im going to have a link to the audio book in the show notes. You can get it for free off of audible. So if you want to join me you can. You can go to my website www.artoftheunknownpodcast.com and click on the link that says podcast, scroll down to episode 22 and there you will find that the show notes with the link to the audio book. If you want to join me, you are more than welcome too. My intention going into it is going to be, hopefully, reconnecting back to myself and hopefully opening myself up to the love that I know exists within me and also exists within the universe as a whole. I haven’t started the intro or anything.  But I know that basically everyday is a different spiritual exercise that you do to help increase that feeling of love and acceptance in yourself and in the universe. I think one maybe takes 5 minutes, so its nothing huge, nothing drastic… its basically just a consecutive 40 days practice filled with tiny shifts that you’re going to be making. And I would really like it if anyone wanted to join me, that would be great. And other than that, I want to say thank you again to everyone that listens to this podcast… you inspire me and keep me going. Because there are days when I don’t want to record, I don’t think that I am doing it right and I don’t feel like I am in the right spot. But when I hear feedback from you guys, that lets me know that I am doing the right thing despite how scary or how uncomfortable it feels and I wanted to say thank you. And if you like the show, I would really appreciate a review on Itunes just so I can know what you think and what you want to hear and yes. So thank you again for listening, this basically wraps up episode number 22 and I am out!

Released: March 2, 2017 

Recorded: Las Palmas de Gran Canaria, Spain